What do they call this issue?

BTW,

When I joined this site it asked what my condition is. I'm not even sure at this point. Largely I feel like "possessed" from darkness is maybe the main issue and doctors are foolish focusing on brain chemistry.

In the industry though, what do you call it when someone is tormented every hour by self-sabotaging absurd opposite of intentional thoughts? In addition for me thoughts come way too easily. So much of it seems surely spiritual in a very interesting way I don't understand. Like I might try as hard as possible to think of the idea of holding my favorite girl and carrying her as romantically + sweetly as possible, but then I feel an impulse to do a back breaker. Then I might go get a burrito at a taco shop, go to the salsa bar, and while trying to get salsa feel an impulse to spit in the containers which I battle by then thinking of spit like coming from further back and just onto my head. Then like at the gym I might see a person walking by or running on the treadmill next to me and intentionally try to think positive things to myself like "wonderful people", but then I have an impulse like to stick my foot out and trip them. These are the complete opposite of what I would intentionally want or do and I'm not at risk of doing them physically, but I'm tormented on the inside so much.

I think my case is a perfect one to illustrate how interesting it is thinking philosophically about how spiritual health and mental health relate. I think only a fool would expect a brain chemical imbalance would cause my issues. Maybe a brain chemical could bias things like slowing down thoughts and give some symptom improvement or support healing, but I expect the core area of disease is more spiritual and best corrected by getting my daily lifestyle tuned far towards ideal as possible. Psychiatrists caused me hell by thinking small dose 2mg type Risperidall was reasonable as a primary means to treat me.

Hello H8Moisture: Thanks for sharing your thoughts...

I have OCD plus things common with the condition.

I always get impulses. They are there basically all the time. The more I don't need them the more they are there. Like if I am sitting on the passenger seat in my friend's car and holding my own phone I don't get so many impulses but if she handles me hers, which is not mine and also expensive, then I get more impulses. Basically I want to just throw it out the window. I can sort of see myself doing it time after time. We're going full speed down the highway with the windows down.

This is just my brain messing with me. I actually totally refuse to take moral responsibility for these impulses. I already had psychodynamic therapy telling me "I" am lying to myself and the impulses is the REAL me and all the horrible things I have impulses to do, that is my real wants.... Yea well, dear therapy, that is simply incorrect! That is just a way of trying to break my spirits.

I can tell my true morals the way my impulses are, the worse an impulse is, the more my morals say the opposite is right. It is like my brain tries to tease me to best it can.