Am I crazy and wrong as a person? Help.

This issue is really concerning me at the moment. I need opinions, views, maybe even own experiences?
My head is one big mess and there is chaos everywhere- Its difficult to pinpoint specific things and think about them without having them mix in with others, and there are so many I just can't sometimes.

Anyway, this specific thought has been occupying my mind for a long long while, and I honestly don't know what to feel or think about it. In order to not make this post insanely long, I'm not going to get into too much detail and background information, but in short, I have been having problems for a long time- pretty much mainly emotional issues (I think).
I sometimes think about the times when I was little, and I have become the opposite tbh. I was totally always energetic, happy, silly, always being funny and joking around. Now I'm moody, grumpy, irritated, angry, miserable, isolated, sad, upset, empty etc. (You get the idea). I have no idea why this change happened- though I do think that it was actually really sudden. It wasn't a slow process that got worse. It just hit me one day, and it was instant and drastic. (Of course now it gets worse with time, but I mean the change itself, how it all happened)

Now, here is the point. The part I'm scared makes me wrong. It's really difficult to explain. I am aware that I am always negative (sad/angry/etc.) and I understand what that means; I just have a problem with negative feelings and thoughts. Normal people see that as a problem right? It needs to be fixed.

However, despite what that negativity is, for some strange reason I find comfort in it. Enjoyment and comfort aren't the right words but i feel like those are the closest existing words I could associate with my feelings. It feels like all that negativity is all that I have, all that I am. Not just a part of me.
I search for feelings of intense sadness.
Despite normally being miserable anyway, I listen to depressing music, watch depressing things, think about depressing things, just to make myself as depressed as humanly possible and to just cry and cry.
Like it usually happens when I go to bed. I lie there awake, and think in detail about death, my own death, my family member’s death, suffering, loneliness, and various philosophical questions. etc.
I mean, now it’s at the point where my mind automatically just goes straight to dark thoughts, and I can’t control it if I wanted to. However it’s not like I would want to and try to, anyway.

I get a weird feeling of comfort (???) and enjoyment (???) when I have those intense, negative emotions. It’s just impossible to describe in words.
Maybe it could be described as some sort of mental 'self-harm' or 'self-abuse' or something, but i don't want to put it in those words because it just sounds wrong and makes me feel awful.

And I thought about it just being ‘catharsis’, but it’s not. I feel like it’s what I have become and it’s what I am. It’s like I have embraced it and accepted it into my personality. That’s just me and it kind of defines me. It feels like the most significant feature of my personality and who I am as a person.

It’s so ironic because negativity itself is meant to feel awful, you’re meant to dislike it and avoid it. And yes of course, it is awful and painful, it’s complete darkness, but somehow at the same time it just feels so right.
And because if this, I don’t want to lose it, I don’t want to change away from this, because then I would feel wrong. I would not feel like myself, I just wouldn’t be able to cope. I wouldn’t be able to cope without ‘not coping’. See how wrong that sounds? But to me it’s so right, for some reason!! I don’t know why!!! I feel the need to be unstable in order to feel stable! Sounds insane!

So obviously, all this is basically like me saying “I don’t want help.” Doesn’t that make me sound wrong, and bad? It just doesn’t make sense! But it’s somehow right???

As you can see I am in a completely ****** state and I just want… I don’t know. Someone to discuss it with me, I guess. People to give me their opinions about this so maybe I can figure this **** out.



Anything. Please.

Hello, Would you consider summarizing (about 3-5 lines ot less) what the problem is and what you hope to accomplish (get out of) being here?

I too tend to write lengthy posts because
I want people to understand and I don't want to be misunderstood.

I've almost exceeded my suggested 3 lines, so I must close.

But before ending, I need/want you to know, I care and am also interested +concerned,

Idk if anything I say or do will help you...
But I do know that the solution for most problems,
(Whether it be clinical mental health issues or actual life situations
= Force yourself to feel joy!

1 minute, 1 day or years
without joy (little or big) life has no meaning or purpose.

FORCE it into your life (whether you want to or not)
and you likely will be surprised when your problems or state of mind start improving.

Personal experience time: This sounds like my mom. She lived with it for so long that the thought of being anything else scared the **** out of her. She learned out to cope with it, then live with it, then it became a part of her and (according to her) now it just is her.

My understanding time: Weird right? Wrong. It's not weird, it's not wrong and it's not something that you should feel insane over (though I'd be a hypocrite if I told you to change your train of thought about you're situation). You deal with severe depression long enough, this is what happens. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't be here typing this right now. It's survival. Your brain adapted to it's new "environment" and is now conditioned inside it.
You could realign, you could alter it, you could change it; but as you said: You don't want to. Does a polar bear want to take a trip to the Caribbean?

Conclusion: It's not weird and it's not wrong. It's your way of life. That isn't wrong or right unless you say it is.

Hello...

Hey, thank you people for replying. Sorry I forgot to check my replies.
Anyway, as what you asked pppp3, if I had to summarize my problem and what I want to accomplish in 3-5 lines...

I am having problem with my emotions and feelings, mainly a lot of negativity. It's always there in my head and I'm thinking about it and trying to figure out why I seem to 'like' those negative feelings when I experience them. I guess what I hope to accomplish is to share this, and get opinions and discussions on it, to help me figure it out and understand myself.

Hope this helped.

Depression is hard

JustMeMyself&I

I can relate to your horrible issues` a lot, as I too am going through the same thing!

You say that you get a weird feeling of comfort and enjoyment with your intense negative feelings`! That to me sounds` like a coping mechanism!!
As I too have this overwhelming , in my head all the time about my childhood and deaths' Guilt, shame un-loved etc. My way of giving me a breather from this is by my child-hood fetish! (Like a bitter sweet thing, contentment and feeling safe!) `BUT` then that doesn't last much, as I think to myself is this normal! (Back to square one again) For me this is a never ending cycle, like I am re-living what happened too me in the past is happening too me again now! `And I don't` know why`

My advice would be to go and see your doctor about how you are feeling. (As I did) He may refer you to a therapist of some kind, who then maybe give you the answers` and help that you seek!!!!!

Good luck and take care..................

Regards`

May i ask how long you have been feeling this way? Since "the sudden change"

This is a LONG reply, but i've experienced a similar thing, in a way, and i would like to share with you.

When i was younger (like in my childhood up to about age 13, i am 23 now) i was the complete opposite of how i am now. I was happy and bubbly and care free and didn't give 2 toots about what anyone thought about me. I suddenly started progressing pretty fast into depression and what seems to me every other related disorder under the sun and it has plagued me since. BUT, in the darkest point of my experience so far, before i got help, i experienced the same perverted pleasure from my negativity. I had very dark thoughts, and i thrived off my own negativity. I would push friends away in such a way that they saw me in the end as a complete nutjob...just to be absolutely miserable and feel like i have effed up, and ultimately enjoy it. Id think of morbid things and write morbid things and ....and somewhat enjoyed it. I would also dwell on things that hurt me, or heartbreak, and make effort to NOT get over it. I wanted to be in pain and have something to feel sorry for myself about. This went on for quite a while.

I eventually started getting into trying to figure out why i was that way, my ultimate theory was that it was some warped self destructive behavior. For me, personally, it made sense. I realised i actually liked myself and the way i was, but i also hated myself. There was this heavy ying and yang thing going on. . Now this sounds INSANE, i know. Almost sounds like i had 2 sides of me fighting each other for their reign over my mind and existence? Right?

I had a breakdown eventually, went insane and got checked into a clinic when i was about 17 where i had to see a psychologist everyday. She introduced me to the pretty simple theories of Carl Jung and how we all have our dark side and our light side, and typically the 2 should balance themselves out. Despite this dark issue i had with psychological and emotional "self destruction", i had always still had my better, lighter traits that would show face every now and again...In brief, we concluded that what i was experiencing was likely an insane clashing force between my light side and my dark side. I had major mood swings (still do). They were fighting for control over my mind. And the dark side used to often have more control over me. It sounds a bit like a split personality, but it isn't really.

I was told to recognize and split myself into my dark and my light, and give them each a name. I called my lighter side Shann and my darker side Shannon, and i was told to become aware of Shann and Shannon and how they were fighting one another to create an awareness and understanding.

This idea in my head and understanding has caused me to become better over time and learn to control my sides a bit better and make some peace between them to become more...neutral. I no longer have the same problem to that extent...but i still desire having the same problem just as bad as it was before. So the tension between my dark and light is still there, but i wont let them fight anymore. I do slip up and go through episodes, but I have somehow found a balance for the most part, for the better for myself and mostly for the people close to me

I hope that gives you something to think about and i hope you can relate in some way as i have related to you. Understanding is the first step to any cure (even if you dont want the cure )

Wow, thank you so much for sharing. That sounds very interesting, and it is a relief to hear that this is a 'real thing' that some people have, and it might not be as crazy as it sounds at first.
I'm sorry to hear some of the more extreme things you went through, and it's good t know you were able to get support. I'm also glad that you weren't judged on it, and in fact got advice on how to manage this. I guess that the whole light side and dark side does make sense.

And I totally agree that understanding is important. Since currently I am now going to be having some sessions with a therapist, I think about it more than ever. And I have concluded that, yes, I don't want to change myself, however all I want and need is for someone to listen and understand, which is what I hope I will achieve from my sessions.
Thanks again, and thanks everyone else for sharing too.