Being A Loser

Have you ever feel like you're wasting your life? Like you're nothing, but a deliberate loser?

I've been feeling like this for a long time. I'm the most ****ing useless piece of **** out of all human beings because of extremely dumb mistakes I've made. I remember how this **** started. I was going through extreme self-consciousnesses and anxiety that began to ruin my grades, my relationships and my identity. I tried to cope with it, but pretty much failed every day ( I knew I should have ignored all the ****** thoughts, accepted myself and stopped being selfish, so I had the right way...) Now, there's no more of that ********, but I know I'm a total zero. My potential is being just thrown out of the window and my brain literally hurts because it just hasn't been challenged for so long. I'm not even communicating with my friends anymore and my grades are screwed. I feel like doing nothing and I'm wasting whole days being on the internet and doing things I don't even enjoy. The most horrifying thing is that I'm totally ok with wasting all this time, despite the consequences. That's pretty dumb... I totally don't care about anything, even my basic needs and being kind of a self-destructive 0. Have any of you been in that crap? Did you get out and become successful later in life?

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. There is much in your own post that points toward methods of recovery from this present circumstance, I believe: accepting yourself, challenging your brain...

Continue on that track to be your best advocate. Sometimes becoming successful isn't a matter of what happens "later in life;" it is a matter of making it through today better than we did yesterday. Losing one's way does not a loser make.

Being a loser, We lose everything.. Our confidence, our emotions

I'm sorry you're feeling this way..

I've felt that way several times. I've made tons of mistakes over the years, but I've survived and have done ok. I often think about how things could have been different if I had made different decisions, about how professionally I could be in a much better place than I am. For the most part I try try to accept that I am where I am and that it could be worse.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I would highly recommend starting it because you mention anxiety and seem to have low self-esteem. If that isn't financially possible, can you reach out to someone at school (I think, from what you wrote you are in college?) maybe in the counseling area.

Finally, please accept one thing. You are not a loser. Maybe you just aren't into what you are studying, maybe you need to take a look at that and decide on a different area of study. Maybe college (if I'm correct in my assumption) isn't right for you at this point in time. Sometimes the traditional path in life just isn't right for someone.

There certainly have been times in which I have questioned my own capabilities. But earlier on within my own life, I understood something quite simple: For most of my life, I had been merely living upon the expectations of others, unto what they defined as "success". Success or loss, in terms of time efficiency, are merely perceivable, but they lack objectivity. Your success is determined in how you personally acknowledge the resourcefulness of your time. The most destructive failure to one individual may be the grandest success for another.

Thirteen years within traditional schooling -- worthless to me, yet it was mandated by federal law. The most principle of knowledge was bestowed upon me by relatives, and the exceptional knowledge was largely self-taught. I spent quite possibly the first fifteen years of my life convinced of the fate drawn out before me, not of my own accord, but through the expectations of norm. "Make high grades, go to college, find a sufficient occupation, marry, have children, grow old, and die." Of course, I could have chosen this fate. Perhaps certain aspects of it were necessary, such as my entrance into college (but only due to the necessity of college towards engineering knowledge), but honestly, I wasted so much time accepting blind advice from others that I neglected what I myself aspired for. That standard "life" was not my dream, but rather, my nightmare. Children? A predictable schedule? A bland, boring life of waiting? It altered my entire perspective, in the end. Grades, relationships, and minute participation were irrelevant to me after a certain point, aside from their ability to land me scholarships.

College certainly has proven to be quite the scam. Various courses unnecessary to my major are mandated, and they are expensive nonetheless. I suppose it does not help when they attempt to evolve such subjects into ideology courses, which professors really love to do. I have no future intentions other than self-employment and travel, for little else is of interest. The time I spent on the internet, reading, or playing made me realize one thing: What I appreciated more than all else was to learn and explore. My entire life within traditional schooling has been the opposite -- rote memorization but no learning. And to top it off, each adult figure within that system held unequivocal "superiority", or rather authority, over the students. There was no objectivity, nor did there exist room for proper skepticism. Students were punished and ridiculed if they dare question an authority before them. Pair that with thirteen years of the reinforcement of standard norm, and I suppose it was expected that I would be convinced of that norm at some point. It works for some people, no doubt, but I have come to reject the aspects of it which conflict with my own aspirations. And as a result, I can firmly attest that I have never been a suck-up as a result.

Your own success is for you alone to define. No authority nor culture has the capability of defining success for you. So long as you acquire proper independence and sustainability, then your life is for you to live as you choose. If your desire is accomplishment, then ensure that your accomplishments are of your own will and not of someone else's.