[Mind Tales]

Can the symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder be inflamed by the choice of partner? If a BPD woman takes up with a strongly narcissistic man, will her symptoms likely be aggravated and more prominent, than if she took up with more balanced man? More to the point, could BPD symptoms be strong and powerful with one partner, and all but non existent with another?

[~Christina]

Yes , absolutely

[reb569]

I agree, absolutely.

[Mind Tales]

Thank you Christina and Reb569. Do you know of any printed research on the interweb that might deal with this? I see “Environmental Causes” as contributors to BPD, but they mostly deal with childhood issues.

The reason I ask is that my daughter was diagnosed with BPD about six years ago, in her late teens. In discussing this, my wife of 37 years now, told me that she had self diagnosed herself as having BPD. My wife currently shows no signs of BPD, and except for at the start of our marriage, never has. None.

But she said that before we were married, she had all these same issues as our daughter. What I know is that when she and I first met through a relative, we corresponded for a couple of months, and then I relocated 1500 miles to where she lived. Upon getting there, I found out that she was only three months removed from a two year relationship with a guy who I had met before, and with whom I was friendly, though not a close friend. My wife and I dated for about six months, and as we were getting serious, her old boyfriend decided to get back in her life, and she let him, telling me she just couldn’t make up her mind between us. We all did this silly dance, where she dated us both for about six weeks, till I realized I had been badly used and played for a complete fool. She had just used me to make an old boyfriend jealous. It worked. Good for her! I gave my new job a two week notice, during which my wife and I never communicated in any way, and I split for home, never intending to return.

Four months later the two of them were broken up again, and I started to receive letters. I just threw them away unopened. That chapter was over for me. Neither of us have any idea what she said. The following year, I went with some friends on another trip around the country to see the 1776 Revolutionary War sights which were still up from the 1976 200 year celebration, and I wanted to take a couple of months to visit them. I was going to meet up with some friends in Detroit, from where we would pick up a girl from England (one of their relatives they were trying to set me up with) in New York and go on our trip. My wife somehow learned of our getting together in Detroit, flew up, and was there waiting for me when I arrived.

She said she wanted to get back to the way we were in Houston, which I bluntly declined. But we had a good weekend together in Detroit, and I promised to go through Houston before going home to California. When I got to Houston, she continued to want me to move to Houston and pick up our romance. After a couple of weeks there, I told her if she wanted, I’d marry her the next week, and take her to California with me. I didn’t think she would do such a thing, (run off 1500 miles from home with a guy with no job, and little money) but she agreed, and a marriage I thought at the time might last a wild year or two, is now 37 years old with four grown kids and five grand kids.

Her old boyfriend can be read about on every paper written about narcissism. We still see him at weddings and funerals, as we have a lot of mutual friends. He is a moderately successful business man, very charming in person. Very smart. He’s had two divorces since my wife dated him, and had one before she got involved with him. He is currently living with a girl 30 years younger, and she has already tried to run over him once, breaking some bones, for him cheating on her.

My wife blames our old problems and her choices on BPD, but all these years I just thought she found him more exciting, and liked him better. I’ve always accepted that I was her second choice, she married me on the rebound, and decided things were OK, so stayed. I figured the BPD excuse was to make me feel better about the past, and I’m not opposed to feeling better, but I hate to lie to myself about reality. That is why I was wondering about the effects of a partner on BPD.

[Trippin2.0]

My ex brought out theeeee worst symptoms in me. Mostly toward the end of our relationship. Like the really volatile shyt.

In my current relationship, I struggled in the beginning, but that was mostly a mix of residual trauma caused by my ex and the subsequent fear of trusting my bf.

Another example would be that, only certain friends, family members or coworkers manage to trigger me, while others don't at all.

DBT helped me to learn how to manage my distorted thought patterns.

In short, I don't doubt what your wife said.

[pegasus]

Have you tried the main site... https://psychcentral.com/
You can search for what you need and there is plenty information on narcissism right now.

[Mind Tales]

Thank you for your input, Trippin2.0, and thank you Pegasus. No, I had not checked the main page. I think I reached this forum by a link, so I’m not sure I noticed the main page before. Yes, it had a lot of what I was looking for. Plus it gave me some ideas on how to search for what I think I might be looking for. So, again, thank you.

[Mind Tales]

OK. So environmental causes can aggravate the condition. Now, my wife had three serious relationships, counting me. In her first one, as she describes it to me, she seemed not to show any symptoms of BPD, except perhaps a fear of being alone. But it didn’t seem to be the fear of abandonment described in BPD, as most of that relationship took place with her boyfriend in Viet Nam. She was quite content to have a boyfriend, at first in Viet Nam, and after he got out, 1000 miles away. But she did seem to fear, and talk about her concerns in not having a boyfriend at all.

In her second relationship, she seems to show all the symptoms of BPD. The only qualifier that I (a completely untrained observer) might note, was that she said she felt a lot of rage, but always internalized it. But if you look at the symptoms in any BPD article, she seemed to have them all.

Then in our relationship, she never showed any symptoms of BPD towards me. In our breakup, her behavior (especially with her ex) was quite hurtful towards me, but she never verbalized any complaints, beyond a brief mention of a few fears of what “might” happen in the future, and a similarly brief mention that I was “immature.” She became withdrawn, sullen, and disinterested around me, where before we had fun, easy communications, and a generally pleasant relationship. She didn’t break up with me. She just made me miserable enough that I left. I tell her that she made me feel like gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe, an irritant, but not important enough to take the time to scrape off. She just knew that over time, it would wear off.

So my question is, (and I realize I’m asking for a guess, not a diagnosis) is this likely a person suffering from BPD, or is it more likely a person whose infatuation with another led them to violate all the norms that they had grown up with, and otherwise lived their life by?

[Sunflower123]

I hope you found the information you sought. Interesting how your wife's BPD's intensity changed with the different relationships. It makes sense though.

[eskielover]

Not BPD but I know I personally had problems getting along with my parents & my H (ex now after tolerating it for 33 years). I got along with everyone else in my life without any problems.

It was just in the last few years trying to analyze & process what was wrong in my marriage for therapy that I found that both my H & dad had the same issues & symptoms & my mom.....well just total lack of self esteem or confidence but that was why she tolerated my dad & I didn't....nor my H....so yes, people can definitely have a serious effect on one's personality & how they get along basically with those people without it showing up with others.

I would imagine this is common in many more situations than we even could imagine....BPD included.