[hope82997]

I'm not sure if there's a better thread to put this in but anyways here goes:

In early October, my dad was diagnosed with inoperable late stage esophageal cancer. He opted to get a stent put in to help him eat but other than that, he has opted to not try chemo. At first I thought chemo was worth a try, but multiple doctors told him it wouldn't enhance his quality of life or greatly extend it. He is pretty weak to begin with, so chemo would probably kill him faster. He is in constant pain, usually back pain which is a side effect of the cancer. He can't sit or lay down normally for long periods of time. He doesn't sleep too much (he never has but this has made it worse). He has been eating a lot with the stent and gaining weight so that's a plus but he's still very skinny. The doctors estimated back in October that he probably only had a few months to live. I read on other sites that with a stent people can live up to a year. There are miracle cases supposedly where someone with late stage esophageal cancer can live up to 5 years but that is highly doubtful in this case.

My dad is only 63 years old. He has always been a strong, active person--- he worked right up until diagnosis. He still likes to fix things around the house when he is feeling okay. I come from a loving, supportive, VERY close household--- five of us live in the house including my parents and my 2 younger siblings. I have an older brother also who does not live in the house anymore. We have always been there for each other; we always go on vacation together in the summer. We see each other every day. My dad is always there for me, always helping me with stuff, whether it be my finances or helping fix things on my car. Knowing now that he is not going to be with us much longer is killing me. I try to put on a brave front around him because he is very stoic, and he prefers to see us carrying on with our usual routines as opposed to moping around the house. My siblings and my mom have been taking it much better than me at least externally. I've always worried about the future, but now I'm worried about it to the extreme.

I don't know how he is able to stay so emotionally strong knowing what is going to happen to him. Any thoughts on that? My family is very religious, my mom more-so than my dad, so perhaps God is preparing him for what is ahead. I am struggling with my faith currently but I still want to believe. I've always been an avid churchgoer and believer. My faith helped me to get over the deaths of 3 of my grandparents but they were much older than my dad. My dad's mom is actually still alive at close to 95 and she just found out about my dad's illness and is obviously heartbroken. This is the first real tragedy that my immediate family has ever dealt with.

I am not able to focus on anything but the inevitable. I'm a PhD student in English and I should be working on my dissertation but I have absolutely no creative energy. I've written about 12 out of 200 pages. What sucks is that my dad has always been my biggest believer, and he wants me to finish this program at all costs but I simply don't know if I have it in me--- at least right now I don't. I was able to sleep normally up until a few days ago but the past couple of nights have been very rough. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and was paralyzed with fear and couldn't fall asleep. Every night I go to bed I wonder if I will be waking up to the news I'm dreading.

My girlfriend has been amazingly supportive of me throughout this whole process, which is an immense comfort but as anyone knows who has been through a loss like this, my mind is crippled with fear, sadness and anger 24/7. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life, and I'm only 26.

I would appreciate any advice I can get- has anyone ever been through something like this or know someone who has? Is there any way to stop the constant negative thinking 24/7? I feel so bad for him and I wish I could take away his pain but I know all's I can do is be there for him like he always has been for me. I feel guilty even complaining about my mental struggles with all he has to endure- in some ways, I feel like I'm taking it worse than he is emotionally but I know everyone processes this stuff differently. I feel guilty wondering if I will ever be able to resume a "normal" life. I feel completely, 100 percent empty.

Thank you in advance for any advice!

- Pat

[Thunder Bow]

I think talking it out with a Therapist will help in this case. Best Wishes

[Nammu]

That must be incredibly hard. getting a Therapist to talk with might be a great step.

Have you looked into 'respite' care? This is where for a day or two you can place your loved one at a health facility for the purposes of giving their family caregivers a break.

[hope82997]

Thank you all for the suggestions. I have not heard of respite care but it might be worth looking into; thanks! Any other feedback anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

[pegasus]

I'm so sorry. Your Dad sounds wonderful, try to treasure every moment you have left with him. Can you take a year off from your studies? I would suggest you go see your doctor for sleep aid, you'll be able to cope better if you get enough rest. Also have a look and see if there is a support group for carers of terminally ill in your area. Sharing with others can help.

I used to work with terminally ill patients and I know that with the right medications for your Dad, he can be virtually pain free. Knowing that your Dad is comfortable and not in pain will help the situation further.

[mindwrench]

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I was around your age when my dad battled and lost to cancer. I don't know if I have any good advice, they say hindsight is 20/20. Stay open and close with your family and friends, and talk about it if you are able. During times like these, emotions run high and what would otherwise be temporary riffs can become permanent.

[*Laurie*]

Hi, I am so sorry that you're having to cope with your dad having cancer. My father died from lung cancer, my aunt died from cancer, my uncle died from cancer, my cousin died from cancer (she was only 52), and a year ago my sister died from it.

The illness of a loved one has a far and wide effect upon the entire family.

I strongly encourage you to get into therapy. Don't try to handle this load all on your own, especially when your family is also involved. Also, a support group would probably be very helpful.

Good luck. I wish you peace.

[hope82997]

Thank you all for your support and advice, I truly appreciate it. I have not heard of respite care but it sounds worth looking into. I'm trying to live every day as normally as possible but it's nearly impossible. Every day gets harder. I do have a therapy session scheduled for next week at school, so hopefully that will help.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, hope82997, and welcome to Psych Central! I'm sad to hear about your dad. I agree that his religious beliefs are sustaining him. Are you willing to consider accepting his beliefs and taking comfort that he is moving on to a better place? I'm sure he wants you to keep on with your life, and I'm sure he is very proud of you. It's hard to see our parents and others pass away. I just lost my BFF to cancer. She was 72 and I am 62. My dad died years ago.... I miss them but know that they are no longer suffering--from disease and the sadness of this world.

I agree that talking to some one can help. Meanwhile, we are here for you, too.

[MickeyCheeky]

Hi. I mentioned respte care; but, a few other things pop into my mind. My mom had a lengthy bout of her own and dad (in his 60s) at the time became her sole careprovider (I did not live anywhere near their community). It would have been terribly difficult for him and it would have taken a toll both physically and mentally. Dad took advantage of the twice yearly two-night respte he was allowed.

He joined a support group for family care providers and this helped tremendously I am told - especially with guilt but also frustrations.

He took a weeklong course on homecare which provided him not only with information on available resources (like respite he otherwise wouldn't have known of) but a network of acquaintances dealing with similar situations. Sometimes, I understand, they would trade off the occasional day allowing each other the opportunity to get things done or even get away for a chance to treat themselves to a coffee.

Both of these endeavours allowed for opportunity to take a mental health break, to understand they weren't alone, and developed friendships between like minded people. i believe they took a lot of stress and a great deal of guilt off my father's shoulders.

I've been through this multiple times far too recently. My sister and my mother both died as the result of cancer, and just this past week a dear friend did also.

In all three cases, they were very much at peace with their impending deaths. They were ready to go, not because they were in despair, but because they simply knew and accepted that it was their time to go. My mother and my friend chose no further testing or treatment when it was clear that the treatment itself would decrease what remaining quality of life they had. Both were placed in hospice, and both died VERY shortly after being placed in hospice (literally within days). It was like they chose their time to go when they knew there were resources available to assist their families with their passing.

As far as your schooling, etc goes, would it be possible to ask the university for a leave of absence from your work while this is going on? Usually they are fairly accommodating under such circumstances. That might give you some time to deal with the immediate stresses and then return later when things have settled down. Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is to cut back on those areas where you have some control to do so, and simply be kind to yourself while this is going on.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with other posters that suggest you ask for a leave of absence when it comes to your education. You deserve to spend as much quality time with your father while he is still living and be there for him as well. All the other fears you have are normal when facing an impending loss of someone you have been so close with in your life. It sounds like your father has made peace with the fact that he is facing an end to life and that is something that can be more accepted if someone is older and has lived a fairly full life and enjoyed having a loving family. It's always harder when you are younger with your whole life in front of you yet to understand how your father can be accepting that he is nearing the end of his life. Also, when a person is terminally ill, they can develop an acceptance along with how their body is getting weaker in ways a young person simply can't understand.

[Deejay14]

Hi Pat,
My mom died at age 67 as a result of a terminal disease. The last year of her life she and my Dad moved in with my sister and her husband. We were able to have her at home until she died. This was possible because I have a great crew of siblings. Looking back I am grateful for the simple things, holding her hand, conversations on a wide range of topics. That last 6 months was difficult at the time and I cried every nite on my drive home praying that God would end her suffering for her and me. Every nite I thought I couldn't do another day but somehow I did and in the end and to this day I regard that time as a gifted difficult as it was. Make memories, spend as much time as you can with your Dad be cause you wont get the chance for a "do over" and I promise you will never regret it. Above all be extra kind to your siblings for they are having their individual experience with all of this. Talk with God ; be angry atHimif that's how you feel. God can take it and more and loves you just the same.

Look up letter to Rachel written by Ram Dass. It was written to parents who had lost their daughter but parts of it are apropriate for any such loss. It may be of great comfort when needed.

God bless you as you travel this path

Originally Posted by hope82997

I would appreciate any advice I can get- has anyone ever been through something like this or know someone who has? Is there any way to stop the constant negative thinking 24/7?

Yes my mother died of stomach cancer. By the time it was diagnosed it was also esophageal. They were never quite sure where it started. I am not going to have great words for you. From the moment my mother was diagnosed it was just a straight up complete decent to hell. Thought she had radiation (which was much worse in terms of bad side effects) it went from... oh no... to "just hold on;".

I suppose I would say that things could move so fast you just won't have time to think about the negativity?

My best advice is to say to yourself when you start thinking negatively that this doesn't advance the ball. Your dad needs you ever single second especially now and push all your feelings to the back of your mind and just focus on the moment.

I agree that you need a leave of absence from your school. I was working at the time and I didn't take as much time as I should have. I regret it.

[healingme4me]

I think the days of the unknown and waiting for the inevitable are utterly grueling. It's an insecurity that's hard to describe unless having experienced it.
So sad reading that you're all going through this.
Sounds like your dad has found peace through this. And I think it's a natural response to lose focus on your creative energies. Not that it can't come and go through all of it. Chunk up the writing goals if you can for the time being. It's hard seeing the forest through the trees. Finishing those 200 pages honors him. Grief is a process.
Sending virtual hugs your way.

My mother passed of pancreatic cancer at the age of 43. I basically fell apart. One thing I did do though was every time I got into bed I said "cancer doesn't exist here" and I really pushed that idea on myself. Bed was somewhere that I gave myself permission to just stop thinking and feeling for a while. It helped a lot. Best wishes for you.

[hope82997]

Thank you all again for amazing advice and virtual support. I will take into consideration everything you've all said. I'm trying to just take things one day at a time for now, and I think I am going to look into taking a leave of absence for school.

[stopdog]

Actually the one use I found for a therapist was it was useful to go in and talk about my partner's cancer, and her illness and all that went with it and her death.

[CalamityJane425]

Originally Posted by hope82997

I'm not sure if there's a better thread to put this in but anyways here goes:

In early October, my dad was diagnosed with inoperable late stage esophageal cancer. He opted to get a stent put in to help him eat but other than that, he has opted to not try chemo. At first I thought chemo was worth a try, but multiple doctors told him it wouldn't enhance his quality of life or greatly extend it. He is pretty weak to begin with, so chemo would probably kill him faster. He is in constant pain, usually back pain which is a side effect of the cancer. He can't sit or lay down normally for long periods of time. He doesn't sleep too much (he never has but this has made it worse). He has been eating a lot with the stent and gaining weight so that's a plus but he's still very skinny. The doctors estimated back in October that he probably only had a few months to live. I read on other sites that with a stent people can live up to a year. There are miracle cases supposedly where someone with late stage esophageal cancer can live up to 5 years but that is highly doubtful in this case.

My dad is only 63 years old. He has always been a strong, active person--- he worked right up until diagnosis. He still likes to fix things around the house when he is feeling okay. I come from a loving, supportive, VERY close household--- five of us live in the house including my parents and my 2 younger siblings. I have an older brother also who does not live in the house anymore. We have always been there for each other; we always go on vacation together in the summer. We see each other every day. My dad is always there for me, always helping me with stuff, whether it be my finances or helping fix things on my car. Knowing now that he is not going to be with us much longer is killing me. I try to put on a brave front around him because he is very stoic, and he prefers to see us carrying on with our usual routines as opposed to moping around the house. My siblings and my mom have been taking it much better than me at least externally. I've always worried about the future, but now I'm worried about it to the extreme.

I don't know how he is able to stay so emotionally strong knowing what is going to happen to him. Any thoughts on that? My family is very religious, my mom more-so than my dad, so perhaps God is preparing him for what is ahead. I am struggling with my faith currently but I still want to believe. I've always been an avid churchgoer and believer. My faith helped me to get over the deaths of 3 of my grandparents but they were much older than my dad. My dad's mom is actually still alive at close to 95 and she just found out about my dad's illness and is obviously heartbroken. This is the first real tragedy that my immediate family has ever dealt with.

I am not able to focus on anything but the inevitable. I'm a PhD student in English and I should be working on my dissertation but I have absolutely no creative energy. I've written about 12 out of 200 pages. What sucks is that my dad has always been my biggest believer, and he wants me to finish this program at all costs but I simply don't know if I have it in me--- at least right now I don't. I was able to sleep normally up until a few days ago but the past couple of nights have been very rough. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and was paralyzed with fear and couldn't fall asleep. Every night I go to bed I wonder if I will be waking up to the news I'm dreading.

My girlfriend has been amazingly supportive of me throughout this whole process, which is an immense comfort but as anyone knows who has been through a loss like this, my mind is crippled with fear, sadness and anger 24/7. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life, and I'm only 26.

I would appreciate any advice I can get- has anyone ever been through something like this or know someone who has? Is there any way to stop the constant negative thinking 24/7? I feel so bad for him and I wish I could take away his pain but I know all's I can do is be there for him like he always has been for me. I feel guilty even complaining about my mental struggles with all he has to endure- in some ways, I feel like I'm taking it worse than he is emotionally but I know everyone processes this stuff differently. I feel guilty wondering if I will ever be able to resume a "normal" life. I feel completely, 100 percent empty.

Thank you in advance for any advice!

- Pat

I lost my Father to the same thing. It's really hard. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer for advice except talk to a therapist. If I were you I might put the Ph.D dissertation on hold, I would go talk with...someone at your University in the dept where your working on you PH.D and tell them what is going on what ever dept .
Once that's done go on a special trip that could be a favorite place out by the ocean or something like that.
Last year I also lost an Aunt & my step cousins took her to a place called Birch Bay here in Washington State.
Your very fortunate to have your girlfriend & family to help you.
I wish you well. It's a difficult time.