[kp6712]

Hi Im sorry for this long post,

I'm dating someone with depression and anxiety, we've been together for almost 2 years now. Every winter her mental state gets worse, we call it the dark months, and for the last month she has been telling me that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. She says she still loves me but she is not in love anymore.

On top of that, we've been having a hard time because I had to move an hour away for work, but only for a year. She recently tried to break up because she can see that she is hurting me. When Im not physically with her she doesnt seem to care about me as much, which she has also stated herself.

When we're together in person I can see and feel that she still loves me and that she seems like she still wants this relationship. Its hard to believe her that she actually wants to break up because she is sleeping from 9am-9pm, sometimes more. And because she is sleeping for so long she is also not eating enough.

I don't want to leave her in this tough time because I know we have something special. But I'm also not sure if she really just doesn't want our relationship anymore or if it is because of her mental state. I've been giving her more space but I'm not sure if its the right thing to do or if I should just listen and let the relationship end. What should I do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello kp: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I don't know, of course, if you're simply here seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However should you be planning to continue on, may I suggest you introduce yourself to the general membership over on our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

One forum that may be of particular interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

Another would be the depression forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/depression/

And a third might be the partners & caregivers support forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/part...ivers-support/

There's also a forum dedicated to anxiety:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/anxiety-panic-phobias/

I'm certainly no expert with regard to the impact of depression & anxiety on romantic relationships. But my thinking, with regard to your concern, is that certainly your friend's depression & anxiety could be having a significant impact on how she feels about both you in particular as well as the relationship the two of you have in general. When a person is struggling with depression & anxiety it is so difficult to sustain any kind of interest in, or enthusiasm for, anything at all... including romance. The problem is, at least from my perspective, under the circumstances you describe there's no way to know for certain if you friend's interest in you has simply waned or if this is all just a symptom of her mental health issues.

You didn't mention, in your post, if your friend is receiving any mental health services... if she sees a therapist & / or if she's on antidepressant medication. From what you describe, my personal opinion would be that she may be in serious need of these services just for herself. But in addition, unless & until she gets professional help for her issues, there may be no way for either her or you to really sort out if there is in fact a future for the two of you together. If your friend is denying that she has mental health issues & is refusing to seek treatment, this in-&-of itself may be a sign that this is a relationship you simply cannot sustain no matter how much you may wish to.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help in your efforts to sort out what is happening & what, if anything, you can do:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/depres...hy-in-couples/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-de...at-you-can-do/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-can...hos-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...sed-loved-one/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-thin...hos-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ression/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

My best wishes to you both...

[healingme4me]

I don't believe that depression and anxiety, alone, can cause love to fade.

It is concerning that she's sleeping entire days away. Does she work a 3rd shift? Did she used to sleep during daytime hours when you lived nearby?

Maintaining a long distance relationship isn't for everyone. 1 year may seem like a drop in the bucket, at the same time it can feel like an eternity. Did you have major plans upon returning from your one year assignment?

I see that this is your 1st post. Hope you find the support that you need. Welcome to PC

Being a person with a history of anxiety and depression I feel I can add to this discussion.

When I am as depressed as it sounds your girlfriend it usually is accompanied by a debilitating sense of lack of self-esteem. I feel terrible about myself and worthless. Consequently I feel unworthy of good things happening in my life - including relationships. I have, myself, sabotaged work and relationships on account of my feeling so worthless and undeserving. I think this is what is happening here.

I was able to navigate my way through my last bout of severe depression luckily without ruining the good things in my life. I had a boyfriend extremely understanding and supportive. It was he who ultimately led me through the depression. I wouldn't have gotten the much needed help I required if he hadn't been firm - but gentle - in my doing so. In short, he became my hero.

Does this make any sense. You seem like a really great guy wanting to stand by her. It might require ultimately and intervention.

[Miss P]

I know this is harsh (but, I speak from experience) there does come a time, if you believe you've tried/done all you can, you need to ensure your own needs are met.

Good luck n hope you take this in spirit it is intended

[mote.of.soul]

No, I think love can cut through depression and anxiety, but at the end of the day if she says she's no longer in love with you, then you have to accept it as the truth. Sorry about that, it's painful. I think two years is generally the telling time to see if the love is going to last, as well. But how you guys play your cards from this point on is obviously up to you two.

[jvklaus]

I've seen some of the responses, and in some ways I agree, and in other ways I do not agree. The problem with depression is that it overtakes your whole life and it makes it very difficult to believe others can love you. Depression makes it difficult for people to show affection and love to others. It doesn't mean people experiencing depression don't love you; it just means that expressing that love is difficult. Imagine trying to express love for others when you have no love of life and all you can feel is hurt, fear, hopelessness, and anxiety. Depression can and does destroy lives. Depression and anxiety may not make people stop loving you, but it most certainly can make it difficult to express such love. In fact, depression makes it difficult to express any emotion.

I don't know if it makes people actually stop loving you, but I do know it can make people stop expressing such love because they don't feel love themselves.

[Wild Coyote]

hello,

Welcome to PC.

I don't have an answer to your current situation. Maybe ask her if she is willing to participate in couples counseling with you?

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.

Wild Coyote

[QueenOfStars]

Hello there,
I am not an expert of psychology but I know a thing or two about depression. Yup, because I have suffered from this and still am but on the way of recovery. Anyway, the problem you are having is really very common with the people who have depression.

When a person have depression, it's like the will to be emotionally invested in something dies within. Nothing can do can make them feel better if they don't want to. She definitely loves you but her state of mind is stooping her from feeling this. She tried to break up with you probably because she wants to be alone. My advise would be, let her be for sometimes. I am not saying you should leave her alone, just stop talking about her situation and asking her how she feel. These are the worst things to say to a depressive person. Instead tell her, "I care for you and no matter how much time you need, if you want to share your problems with me, I'm here."
This phase is like a perfect balance of consolation and also not being pushy. She will know that she has someone to go to when she is ready. I hope this helps. All the best to you and your partner.

[avlady]

I suggest meds although many would not agree. i have been depressed constantly for years with highs and lows. just recently i was put on a new med and can tell the difference so far.show her you care, i know you already do but make sure you are there for her. she needs to get back on a schedule too, that is important. How old is she? good luck

[cool09]

I've been depressed since 13 (now 54) and it has made me detached from my self to the point where I have trouble organizing my thoughts and getting sentences out. Depression can take everything from you.

[avlady]

I also have trouble expressing myself. Usually I will just listen to people and if i try to say something, it comes out all disorganized. Therefore i don't talk much but wish i could, and i have to live knowing i will never be able to talk usually in a group, but i do find that i m a great listener, and can help people one on one is easier to talk to. Sometimes i daydream alot too because i can't concentrate unless it is something i'm really interested in.Could you join any groups around your area, crafts, book clubs , senior center etc?good luck

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by kp6712

Hi Im sorry for this long post,

I'm dating someone with depression and anxiety, we've been together for almost 2 years now. Every winter her mental state gets worse, we call it the dark months, and for the last month she has been telling me that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. She says she still loves me but she is not in love anymore.

On top of that, we've been having a hard time because I had to move an hour away for work, but only for a year. She recently tried to break up because she can see that she is hurting me. When Im not physically with her she doesnt seem to care about me as much, which she has also stated herself.

When we're together in person I can see and feel that she still loves me and that she seems like she still wants this relationship. Its hard to believe her that she actually wants to break up because she is sleeping from 9am-9pm, sometimes more. And because she is sleeping for so long she is also not eating enough.

I don't want to leave her in this tough time because I know we have something special. But I'm also not sure if she really just doesn't want our relationship anymore or if it is because of her mental state. I've been giving her more space but I'm not sure if its the right thing to do or if I should just listen and let the relationship end. What should I do?

I really don't think depression and anxiety causes people to stop loving you and vise versa. It is more of a personal choice I believe.

[Lovethedove]

Love is in the brain so yes, absolutely. When I had depression although only for a month or two, I felt nothing and since love is feeling something, I did not feel love towards anyone or anything.

[eskielover]

From my own personal depression, it got really bad when I ended up trapped in a marriage that really never had live at it's foundation even when "I love you's" were expressed.

Give her her space & see how she does. I thrived & my deoression went away as soon as I left my marriage after 33 years.

If it doesn't improve for her then you know it wasn't the relationship adding to her depression.

I serioualy think there is much more to her lack of live than just her depression.