have the house to yourself for the first Friday night since you've lived "at home" and your first thought is...oh who can I invite over to have sex with or drink with. Then you remember you're not 16 anymore and could do that any other day if you wanted..just not here.

But..the music WILL still be louder than usual.

Seriously though- My life hasn't changed. It changed for a short period of time and when I lost everything I kept going more and more backwards..hence why my first reaction is what it would've been when I was 16. What can I get away with tonight. In reality, I'll probably be giving the dog a bath.

MochaFrapPlz, Sounds like you are making progress. Good luck.

lol not really. But thanks.

I relate.

The last time I needed to move back in with my mother, I was in my late 30's. And even at that age, I was subject to "my house, my rules." It meant being told what time to go to bed, being awakened in the morning when she called for me, eating only what she cooked, listening only to the music she liked, watching the television shows she wanted to see, and having to do the chores she assigned to me. (Not that I mind doing my share of the housework, but I'd rather have been given an area of responsibility and then left to do it my way, on my own terms, rather than with her standing over me supervising like I was 10 freaking years old.)

Complicate the matter with the fact that I cannot see well enough to drive, and she lives in a rural area. No public transportation. Which meant that I went only to places that she was willing to take me. Since she doesn't go to church, then, I wasn't allowed to go. Couldn't have someone else come and pick me up. She was afraid that having a church van come to her door would make her neighbors think she was "needy," and her image to the neighbors was more important than my happiness.

And when I confronted her on it, she scolded me for talking back, just as if I was still a child.

The next time I found myself without a place to go, I went to a doggone homeless shelter. I had more freedom there.

Wow..that's even more insane.

Know what you mean about a homeless shelter though. If my dog wasn't my life, I would've stayed at one...I actually was talking to a guy that one time I went and he was telling me I was better off there too and how much he enjoyed it there because he hated his control freak of a mother.

Originally Posted by MochaFrapPlz

Wow..that's even more insane.

Know what you mean about a homeless shelter though. If my dog wasn't my life, I would've stayed at one...I actually was talking to a guy that one time I went and he was telling me I was better off there too and how much he enjoyed it there because he hated his control freak of a mother.

It happens. Too bad you can't leave the dog with mom, and then go to a shelter. If your mother is that much of a control freak (and I don't know, since I don't remember seeing other posts on it) you might not want to suffer through that either.

One thing that really gets under my skin is when parents are still controlling their adult children, whether or not they live "at home." The worst case of it I've ever seen was when a woman I knew was telling me her new baby's name was Tamara, pronouncing it ta-MARE-ah, mare like a female horse. Her mother glared at her and snapped, "ta-MARR-ah!!!" She said it as mar, rhymes with car. This grown woman who was *not* living under her mother's roof wasn't even allowed to pronounce her own baby's name the way she wanted to.

Gaaah. Just makes me sick. I wanted to yell, "Look, woman, it's her baby," but it wasn't my place to do that. I hope little Ta-MARE-ah and her mom soon booted that overbearing old granny right out of their lives. That's what I ended up having to do. I moved 3,000 miles to get away from my family and start a new life with my husband.

[susan888]

At least she took you in, gave you shelter, fed you.....some people don't even have that option.

JMO...the time I had to move back home at age 36...I felt bad to put my Mom in that position. She uprooted her house for me and my 16 year old daughter until we could get back on our feet. I will always be grateful for her support. Even though I had to give up my adult freedom (because I was an adult and should have been able to stand on my own). I respected her household and her wishes because that was just the right thing to do since we were intruding on her space.

I don't want to get in a fight about it, especially on a thread someone else started, but I can't let it ride completely. I must state that I refuse to feel any "after all your mother has done for you, you should be grateful" guilt. Please don't try to tell me my mother was some kind of saint for helping me out. I was on SSI at the time and was paying rent to my mother, so it's not like I was creating any big hardship. She may have given me food and shelter, but she also pretty much held me prisoner and verbally abused me. Thank God she can't legally hit me anymore, or she might have done that too. I didn't move out so much as escape.

My mother would like nothing more than to have all four of her children still living with her, under her roof, under her control. She welcomes us in so that she CAN still play the mother role and be telling us what to do. Not out of the goodness of her heart, but for the power trip. It's not just me saying this. She has the general reputation.

As it so happens, my own daughter (age 24, and pregnant with her second child) is going to move back in with me starting tomorrow, until she can find suitable housing for herself and her children. Sure we have household rules that would apply to any guest, but danged if I'm going to even come close to treating her the way I was treated by my mother. As long as she doesn't disturb me, I don't care what time she goes to bed, gets up, etc. And she can sure come and go as she pleases.

I think "guest" is the key word here. When you're over age, you're a guest in the home. Yes, you respect the space. But you shouldn't have to revert to being a child again.

And I still say, not letting me go to church was over the line.

[susan888]

OK...My Mom wasn't abusive at all..she was my best friend..and..my daughter had to move in with my with her 3 year old last year. She is on her own now. I will say I'm very, very sorry to you that you would rather be in a shelter than with your Mom. No bad feelings meant. I was simply grateful that we had a safety net. Not every one has that....

Originally Posted by susan888

OK...My Mom wasn't abusive at all..she was my best friend..and..my daughter had to move in with my with her 3 year old last year. She is on her own now. I will say I'm very, very sorry to you that you would rather be in a shelter than with your Mom. No bad feelings meant. I was simply grateful that we had a safety net. Not every one has that....

I'm so sorry I snapped at you. No bad feelings anywhere, as long as yours aren't hurt.

[susan888]

No bad feelings...I'm just feeling very, very grateful for my Mom (she died 3 years ago). I realize I was blessed and I'm so sorry that your experience was so different. Good to know that you and your daughter have broken that cycle.

Thank you. My sympathy in the loss of your mother. Since she was your best friend, I'm glad you had her.

It's been hard work to break that cycle. Things didn't go as they should have in my daughter's childhood. I didn't have the resources or the mental health to raise her better, and she spent a good chunk of her time in foster care. At some points, she was even in my mother's custody. As you can imagine, that was a disaster, but I wasn't mentally stable enough to provide a home for her myself. Things have dramatically improved for me in the 3 years (1 1/2 married) that I've been with my husband.

As part of her therapy, when she was 15 my daughter wrote me a letter describing in detail exactly how I had failed her and how angry she was with me. She treasures the fact that my reply started out, "Well, it's about time you said all those things. You have every right." I remember writing a similar letter to my own mother, and her only response was to tell me how hurt she was by it.

My daughter tells me, "The reason I have a relationship with you now is because you own up to your stuff. If you denied everything like Nina does (that's what she calls my mother) I wouldn't have anything to do with you, just like I don't have anything to do with her."

One of the most hurtful things my mother ever said to me was, "I may not have been a good mother, but at least you never went to foster care." I bit my tongue to keep from shooting back, "Well, I should have!" In truth, if the system were as active then as it is now, I would have been removed from my home. And as my *older* daughter (age 26) tells me, "If you had gone to foster care, maybe we wouldn't have had to."

I'm sorry, Mocha. Wasn't this your thread?

[susan888]

Hugs to both of you. Thank you for making me appreciate what I was blessed with so much more!

Thanks LoveBirdsFlying... And its ok..can understand your frustration. I have to say that this comment " At least she took you in, gave you shelter, fed you.....some people don't even have that option. " hit a nerve with me too. It must be great to have that kind of relationship with your mother where you can be grateful but not everyone has that.

It's not helpful at all. You never know what lies beneath the surface. I've heard that "at least she does this and that" all my life because looks are deceiving and nobody really knew what went on at home. My situation is different and it's not so much that she's a control freak.. it's other things not really worth getting into. I've never posted much about my mother. She won't change and I've just accepted that I don't like who she is and but I'm stuck having to deal with her unless something manages to change where I can get away from her. I've posted more about my father.

My father has also offered to take me in after I once asked him out of desperation. Can I use that "At least he's offering to take me in" logic when he's clearly a psycho? I'm still sorting this mess in my head and even though he's paranoid/obsessive/narcistic/whoknowswhatelse.. he's offered me simple things that my mother isn't able to give me..such as being supportive and would put me first even if in his psychotic mind.. he just wants to win me over to get back at my mother for leaving him over 20 years ago. I guess his intentions, strings and mental problems don't matter if he's at least willing to take me in and buy me a car.

Sorry, just venting. No hard feelings.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

...16? Wow... It never ceases to amaze me the ages people have sex at...

Originally Posted by Akuma

...16? Wow... It never ceases to amaze me the ages people have sex at...

Funny.. I keep getting amazed at some of the replies here when it comes to sex.

First the other thread where someone is surprised at the 13yrold having sex in "today's society" and now someone is amazed about having sex at 16.

I think some people just live under rocks and could at least venture out onto the internet more.

[susan888]

As I said before...I apologize...It was not my intent to come off as being unsupportive. To help you understand my perspective...we have uprooted our house for my husband's children and mine many, many times and they just took advantage...so, I guess your post touched a nerve with me as well. We are not control freaks or bad parents. No hard feelings I hope...none meant on this end. I wish you nothing but good and hope your situation improves soon!

Ha, I definitely can relate. Before I met my most current boyfriend, I was not leading the most healthy lifestyle. Granted, I wasn't getting wasted every night or anything, but I definitely would take advantage of my weekend nights and sometimes see how drunk I could get and look up my blood alcohol level online, or other times(quite often) go drinking and smoking(weed) and walking alone at night through my neighborhood. I no longer smoke and of course don't drink excessively because I don't want my boyfriend to see me like that, and have thus promised my boyfriend to never again walk alone at night- a bad habit of mine that I've been trying to break(sober or not) for over ten years now. I remember watching a stand up comedian talk about how as he gets older, he feels like he's getting younger. I can definitely relate to that. Maybe because I never really pushed the boundaries growing up or did any drinking and such until college- never the partying type- the key for me has been to find more fun activities as an outlet(lots of funny websites/games as an example) so that I don't feel compelled to do something risky that puts my life in danger(like get loaded and go out to a bar alone- something I've only done a handful of times, never bringing anyone home, thank god!) =)