[Junerain]

I have noticed a recurring theme in my life: people lashing out at me for any little difference I show in temperament, being flat-out cruel, ruthless, and overly aggressive at me. The thing that is most puzzling is that I am very childlike, sweet, caring, thoughtful, empathetic, and I have never raised my voice in my life, I simply 'take it,' and then, I find, since I cannot think of a defense and anger is something I think about instead of act upon, I simply smile back meekly, with no quick one-liner back at the rude comment, simply take it, at that point the aggressor becomes more hostile when they see I do not have a reaction, that I mulling it over, holding it in.

This happens when I was a student, an employee, a friend, a family member, when I return a library DVD, when I show sympathy and understanding of deeper issues, this happens to me literally over and over and over.

I really have lost all faith in the goodness of humankind at this point in my life.

I am trying to be more assertive, and I am succeeding, yet, cruelty of character keeps getting aimed at me regardless.

I am schizoaffective and that's got to play a part of course, the fact that I am different, that I have more energy, more things going on socially, amidst those that choose to accept me as I am.

What are other people's findings? Vulnerability leads to ruthless attacks on your character? I am asking people to respond who wear their heart on their sleeve, have a lot of emotionality, have childlike qualities.

Thank you for helping me figure this out, once and for all. I look forward to hearing other points of view.

Hi (((((Junerain))))--I love playing in the Games forum with you! You are so free spirited and honest. I love those qualities in others.

I have often thought being who I am has been a rough road. It really has.

The world is as it is. Honesty, and those very qualities you have are rare in a "real" person. It is too hard to be honest. To be open. Others are often frightened by it
because they have found, as you have, that these are the very things that leave you vulnerable to unkindness. They hide.

I love your signature. Despite the cruelty of a majority, I like being who I am. I wouldn't forsake myself for the benefit of others insecurities in the face of my genuiness. Please, don't you allow it to stop you either?!!!!!

"It ain't easy being green"--It ain't easy being who you really are. It's lonely, and it hurts.

LOL--It hurts alot...alot of times, but it is the only way I can be, and be at peace with myself and God.

((((((((((((((((Junerain))))))))))))))--don't give up on mankind!! Don't give up on the beauty and realness within you?!! You go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are beautiful!!! hugs-------theo

[StrawberryFieldsss]

junerain, i'm curious about what your reaction is when people are like this with you. if they cry act weak and are vulnerable.

[Junerain]

My reaction is quietness and passivity.

[Rohag]

I wish it weren't so, but I in general find that "weakness invites attack."

Junerain, many have cruelly treated you, even those who ostensibly follow a higher path. I'm sorry.

((((junerain)))) I am like you and have had the same problem encountering cruelty my entire life. I am currently undergoing counseling to become more assertive. I really don't want to change my personality but I have no choice. Hang in there and all the best to you.

[Okami]

It is ever so unfortunate but as many have stated before me this type of personality does tend to attract those that will find ways to take advantage or be cruel. Its sad to say but in today's society its very much so eat or be eaten and people will do what they believe is necessary to state on top even at the expense of others.

Its just people who tend to be more passive and sweet are excellent targets. I used to be this way, but I've really come a long way when it comes to being a bit more aggressive myself. There really doesn't seem to be another way. Its easy to sit there and think you can just ignore others or smile them to death but you hit a point where you just won't progress in the world and that is just down right frustrating and depressing.

To keep a balance, I generally remain easy going and passive around those I've established a safe relationship with and when I'm doing things like work, I tend to step it up a bit. It takes quite a bit of practice. It doesn't come over night. But in order for this to get better I firmly believe you have to train yourself to be a bit more confrontational and assertive when people start crap with you.

[Ygrec23]

Dear Junerain,

I've pondered over your question for quite a while. This isn't the first day I've seen it. It rings bells with me, but in a way that's hard for me to identify, to put my finger on. I'm going to share with you what I've come up with, but it's not my final, definitive word on the issue. It's just an issue-in-progress.

What I'm going to say may hurt you. It's not intended or desired to do that. You've asked a legitimate question and I'm giving you a legitimate (though tentative) answer. I have no desire or need or intention to hurt you. You do, however, deserve an honest answer. That's what I'm trying to give you.

The adjectives you use to describe yourself seem more appropriate to the definition of a child than to an adult. When they're used to describe an adult (to the exclusion of other, more adult adjectives) it's possible that the image conveyed by such a person is not the positive one he or she may think it would be. You may be "very childlike, sweet, caring, thoughtful [and] empathetic," but that very image may convey to others a passive-aggressive, false and unsympathetically childlike person who is not the adult she should be.

None of us really have the right to be or pretend to be childlike or special when we're no longer children. People around you may feel put upon, imposed on, taken advantage of when they're impliedly asked to treat you as a child (or as a somehow "special" person). As adults we have responsibilities, not only to our own families, but to all other adults, to be serious, responsible people able to cooperate and interact with others on an adult plane .

If one adopts childlike characteristics as an adult one may be seen or experienced as someone who is asking for the kind of preferential treatment given to a child. And that may well be resented by some. Not all, but some. They may feel that you're trying to in some way manipulate them and obtain from them treatment you don't necessarily deserve.

Rather than in some manner feeling yourself to be hard done by, I would suggest that you seek to understand your situation very much as something created and controlled by yourself rather than by others who may in some manner (to your way of thinking) be seeking unjustifiedly to punish or maltreat you. Most of us, as adults, do in reality control and create our own situations. Even if we have mental problems of some sort.

Take care!

I am trying to be more assertive, and I am succeeding, yet, cruelty of character keeps getting aimed at me regardless.

Hello, Junerain. It is very unfortunate you have to deal with what you describe. You are to be commended for becoming more assertive. To cavaliarly posit people are mean and you are an easy target is akin to saying get over it.

That said, I hope you continue to find your voice and learn better to protect yourself from scoundrels who thrive on being bullies and miscreants.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.” ~John Greenleaf Whittier

If, of all words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are, "It might have been,"
More sad are these we daily see:
"It is, but hadn't ought to be."
~ Bret Harte

Hi again Junerain

As a small child I taught myself how to conform to many of the rules of our society. I also realized at a young age that I, and I alone was/am accountable for all my words and deeds. I took responsibility at a very early age.

I also taught myself (using others as examples) through the years how to be assertive; and to discern which arguments were worth my energy to argue.

When others are unkind to me; I take an inventory of the situation. Does this person have any qualities which I admire and respect? If not; I dismiss them as they are not worth my time, or energy (how could they hurt me if they are not the sort of people I want to have in my life; or want to model myself after? My grandpa had a saying: "No well mannered, kind, honest.....man/woman will insult me, no other can.")

Beyond that, it is my belief that all humans, no matter their age; are unique, special, and prayerfully still have the sense of wonder, the joy, the precious
imagination of a child. I believe in the Individuality of every human.

I have learned to embrace the child in me; she is a part of who I am.

I am humbled by the stars, by the ocean, by the beauty of our world, and all mankind on a daily basis. If I ever lose my sense of wonder, I hope I won't have to live much longer!! What a bore!!!!!!!!!

Not a day of my life is spent without laughter, wonder, and the joy of learning something new.

I reassert my first reply. Be who you are, be more, grow daily, ne'er cease to amaze yourself with all the wonderful things you can incorporate as part of YOU.

Dare to be the Individual you were meant to be. Learn all you can to protect yourself from those who'd have you be just another sheep in the fold.

There's a song over in Pods I posted after I answered you, it was for you:
"You Gotta Make Your Own Kinda Music"--dunno how to post it here--there's another song I love pertaining to the same way of truly living "I Hope You Dance"

For me, it is worth it. Nothing worth having is ever easy.----------------Pax--theo

[venusss]

okay, I was not sure I want to reply to this....


but in a way it seems that being assertive on the outside does not help that much... I mean... I have a rep of bad girl around here... around everywhere and yet I encountered attacks. I can put people in their place.... when it reaches certain point, but I don't enjoy it. I guess people can sense it "looky, a pacifist, let's attack". I will defend myself, but it I get hurt in the process too. I hate to use play dirty, even if resort to it if there is no other way.

I guess the goal is to learn to let go, learn to put on defense shield and not to open up to everybody immediatelly. Of course it will not make you non-attackable... but it will eliminate some of it... You can be caring and great person (from what I've seen of you, you are such person) and not be overly sweet to everybody you just met.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Good luck friend.

[garden]

Hi Junerain, I have these qualities but assertive. What I find most astonishing is the number of people who believe they have a right to behave as they do. I do not believe we invite any of this for, looking at myself, this isn't what I send out. For instance, I was verbally attacked today, sitting in my cubicle for "interferring in a social clique's atmosphere". "I don't know why you are over here anyway." Sitting at my desk I could hardly see how I was in their way. What I wanted to do was say a string of foul words. I just told the person that they would need to speak with my boss. They left.

Did I invite the attack? No. What caused the attack? Someone else's need to control a situation. My presence was not wanted and the cubicle had been enlarged causing the move of someone else's cubicle. Did that have anything to do with me? No, but this is what they wanted me to believe. Was I floored when I looked at the reason for the attack? Yes, because I knew that it had nothing to do with me. BUT, will I have regular conversations with this group? No even professionally. There's no reason to place myself in this position again. I face my computer screen and my back was always to anyone walking up so they had to get my attention for me to turn around. What I also learned from this recurring theme is that the more you are aware of the real reason for the occurance, the better off you are of knowing yourself, your reaction and the people you meet. It doesn't prevent the attack unless you're the bully, but it does make you more aware of those seeking attention in any manner they can get it.

To add another item, have you noticed that attacks come from people who have banded to ensure someone else has their back and almost always to someone who is a loner, a socializer without the clique or someone new. The very presence of a person who able to work, socialize, have invitation by someone other than them or who is successful despite their efforts scares the &#$%%% out of them.

Sure, it is not easy being in these situations but we are the souls willing to see a different side of a person. The child-like quality is genuine

[garden]

Ygrec, I disagree with your "right" statement though it is something to consider. Pretense is a stage up there with denial. We are born, have the ability to grow and mature. Understand that maturity is relative in that everyone does not age simultaneously along the same path or especially with the same traits. We all have a right . . . to be the best that we can on our journey. I see maturity in the manner in which you write. Yet I write without the eloquence of your depth.

[Junerain]

I work wonderfully with adults, cooperating, interacting with them on an adult plane. I have a wonderful situation in life; I am responisible, not quite 'serious,' but I do not see the need in that quality.

I was trying to describe the quality of genuiness, of honesty, of not wearing a 'mask' when I used the word child. I do wear a mask, but with people that I have grown close with, friends, of course I do not.

To use the words 'false' and 'unsympathetic' to describe me are the very opposite of who I am. I work with kids for a living, I am real with them, I am very sympathetic to their needs, listening intently, empathetically, helping them reach their goals.

Seems you took one word, 'childlike,' and ran with it. The traits of empathy, caring and thoughtful, are very adult-like traits I possess. I never ask for preferential treatment. I have been very, very good to many people over the years, and never once asked for anything in return.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by Junerain

I work wonderfully with adults, cooperating, interacting with them on an adult plane. I have a wonderful situation in life; I am responisible, not quite 'serious,' but I do not see the need in that quality.

I was trying to describe the quality of genuiness, of honesty, of not wearing a 'mask' when I used the word child. I do wear a mask, but with people that I have grown close with, friends, of course I do not.

To use the words 'false' and 'unsympathetic' to describe me are the very opposite of who I am. I work with kids for a living, I am real with them, I am very sympathetic to their needs, listening intently, empathetically, helping them reach their goals.

Seems you took one word, 'childlike,' and ran with it. The traits of empathy, caring and thoughtful, are very adult-like traits I possess. I never ask for preferential treatment. I have been very, very good to many people over the years, and never once asked for anything in return.

Perhaps that is because the only thing that could be considered… annoying, provoking, or irritating in your description of yourself was the word “childlike”. I did not understand what you meant by being “childlike” myself.

To me childlike means the inability to mature, the inability to see the consequences of ones actions, inappropriate behavior and or affect when speaking. I have met people like this but they have been mentally challenged. I can see how it would be annoying for someone to choose to act that way, but obviously that was not your definition. By your definition I would too be considered childlike, but I call it a lack of a filter. I say what is on my mind, I do not lie, in fact I cannot lie. I hate it when someone asks me what I think of their new hair style or clothing because if I do not like it I attempt to evade the question, I cannot look then in the eye and start talking about the weather or something equally mundane. It has caused many hurt feelings in the past. I would not say anything behind your back that I would not say directly to your face.

So given the new information, I may have an answer for you. It has been my experience that people do not like overly direct people. It makes them uncomfortable for some reason. In my own life I try to keep my opinion to myself unless asked directly. Even then I do try to follow the “if you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all.” I try anyway. One of my oldest friends still gets irritated from time to time. She’ll complain about her husband (now ex) and kids and make the mistake of saying “what should I do?” Well I tell her. Then she gets angry and says she knows what she should do, she just wants to vent. Well, then you must make that clear from the beginning. I can say “aw, uh huh, oh my” if that’s what you need to hear, just don’t ask me what I think you should do because it is out of my mouth before my brain has the chance to process it. We are both hearing it for the first time together.

Hello again, Junerain. Please do not allow the critics to define who you are. Continue to grow the assertiveness as necessary to stave off harm. You know you are a good person, and that is what counts.

[beta]

Hey, Junerain,

I might disagree with some of the previous posts. It is also my own personal experience that people sometimes react aggressively to character traits that should be in fact liked by them (common sense you say).

I have had the experience to people close to me being in rage and saying hurtful thing to me because they were angry about me being such an idealist and I have had people close to me and strangers acting not so kind when I was depressed.

Now, I think that what people react to a trait in someone else that is not negative in principle, they act out something that is their own and is problematic.

I do believe that some people get annoyed by goodness and kindness and naivete. That might be their reaction to living in a world where competition and stress are the leading components of life. If they, at some point of their life, had learned a lesson that you should not be naive, too good or kind if you want to succeed, then it is very hard for them to watch someone being all those things and showing them off. Why? My theory is because that way you question the rules of the game they are playing - they have given up on kind and naive to become successful and competitive (or simply to fit in), then you go there and start being good and nice to everybody. That might be disturbing because they get confused whether their rules are the right ones. That's just a theory.

But, basically, every time you get a strong negative reaction to something good you've done or said - remember that this is the reaction of the people towards something very painful or touchy withing themselves. People never react to thing too strongly if they don't take them personally. So, sometimes the pain you receive from other people is not really meant to hurt you - it is just a reaction to something that they associate with you and your attitude. Remember - when people are rude, it's not you who are the problem or have a problem - they do have a problem with the way they react to things. Try to learn to set boundaries so you can show people they can't treat you like that try not to let it affect you too much. It might help to talk to them, but if it doesn't just move on. We can very rarely have some limited control over other people's behaviour but we can control how much it will disturb and hurt us.

[gma45]

Originally Posted by Junerain

I have noticed a recurring theme in my life: people lashing out at me for any little difference I show in temperament, being flat-out cruel, ruthless, and overly aggressive at me. The thing that is most puzzling is that I am very childlike, sweet, caring, thoughtful, empathetic, and I have never raised my voice in my life, I simply 'take it,' and then, I find, since I cannot think of a defense and anger is something I think about instead of act upon, I simply smile back meekly, with no quick one-liner back at the rude comment, simply take it, at that point the aggressor becomes more hostile when they see I do not have a reaction, that I mulling it over, holding it in.

This happens when I was a student, an employee, a friend, a family member, when I return a library DVD, when I show sympathy and understanding of deeper issues, this happens to me literally over and over and over.

I really have lost all faith in the goodness of humankind at this point in my life.

I am trying to be more assertive, and I am succeeding, yet, cruelty of character keeps getting aimed at me regardless.

I am schizoaffective and that's got to play a part of course, the fact that I am different, that I have more energy, more things going on socially, amidst those that choose to accept me as I am.

What are other people's findings? Vulnerability leads to ruthless attacks on your character? I am asking people to respond who wear their heart on their sleeve, have a lot of emotionality, have childlike qualities.

Thank you for helping me figure this out, once and for all. I look forward to hearing other points of view.

I have had this happen to me also. It upsets people if they feel they have no control over you. I call it kill em with kindness! and I did it all the time weather it is good or bad. I have had a problem with being assertive also, it takes practice. I also hope the child in me stays with me till the day I die! I don't ever want to grow up! I don't see any fun in that! BORING! Hope everything works out for you. Maybe wear your heart on your sleeve but wear long sleeves! ha! I know I am not as articulate as some others that post on here but I do have other good qualities. Like a sense of humor!

[beta]

Originally Posted by gma45

I have had this happen to me also. It upsets people if they feel they have no control over you. I call it kill em with kindness! and I did it all the time weather it is good or bad. I have had a problem with being assertive also, it takes practice. I also hope the child in me stays with me till the day I die! I don't ever want to grow up! I don't see any fun in that! BORING! Hope everything works out for you. Maybe wear your heart on your sleeve but wear long sleeves! ha! I know I am not as articulate as some others that post on here but I do have other good qualities. Like a sense of humor!

Hehehe, I liked that post!