[beauflow]

bahumbug! Ok so this year i'm a little better with this birthday deal. I've said it's an awesome day but i've also called it an evil day lol.
In the past i've been quite depressed but i'm starting to think that isn't mine maybe my mom's like i wrote about in the depression forum i enjoyed the two that posted in it our conversation on it cause it got me to thinking on stuff more but today i still feel empty at times, geez i have to admit something some where, cause it's bothering me. My boyfriend tried to suprise me w/ what he was going to get me today. We lost our cat last may & i've been upset about that for a bit & miss the cat, my bf was going to get a kitten from the shelter today. I first told him no- i don't want to lose another cat it hurts so bad i'm sorry if that sounds childish. But he looked at me & explained he knows i want one i miss our last one & this kitty will stay inside & it'll be ok. We have an anxiety dog which i love too but he's a handful at times. Anywho i mention dog for That's why i had to stay home, my bf wanted to me to go with him though. So my bf leaves i'm all in time like in my head trying to sabotage this plan of getting a cat, idk why either. It doesn't make me feel good cuz i love cats & i this i do think is so sweet of my boyfriend to do but i did find something. We never told the apt ppl we lost our last cat & my boyfriend can't just get a cat- there's a process to getting a cat from a shelter. My boyfriend called me oddly & i mention it all of we need to tell apt ppl & your not going to walk out with a cat today. He agreed after remembering one we adopted before our last cat but had to give back cuz of a big issue i couldn't deal with. pee on bed. My boyfriend said ok marrow we'll both go & meet the kitties & fill out paper work & he came back home. I went to the office with our dog & explained to the lady i always go to talk to she understood & said ok just to let her know when the new kitty comes. Idk i just feel odd. I am glad logic helped me today but idk

[beauflow]

Sorry i ran out of room too. I'm on a little phone that cuts me off for some reason. But i know i wrote a lot up their but there is more to it than that. I feel fake again at times which tears me apart at times, i'm trying to be ok and shrug it off but That's what i always do. I have tried best to be happy for birthday rather than trying to balance why i was born or still around. I think That's an improvement but still i feel i guess what some call a void with in. It's not like i expect anything and my boyfriend tries but he just has a bad memory and some times is too quick to get something i appreciate him so much to be honest i'd be good just hanging with him all day but we have to work this month last month we had a mini lay off, so i understand i keep remembering my 21st birthday lol i sat with my bong smoking all day by myself Lmao i laugh cause how sad. This is my 25th my insurance for car should be cheaper right lol. Sigh i also realized today i've always hid my birthday from my buds when i use to hang with some. I feel like a jerk to me. sorry there's too much and i wonder off on other things. Well thanks all for just allowing for me to post hope ya all have a wonderfull day.

[eskielover]

Wow, it's a bit late in the day.....but want to wish you a very
HAPPY BIRTHDAY & hope it was really a nice day that you could enjoy & have some good memories from.

I bet you would really enjoy having another kitten. There are so many that need a wonderful loving home. Know it's hard after loosing a pet to want to have another, but I know for me, the LOVE in my heart for animals just cries out to be surrounded by them. They also give us a lot to take our mind off ourselves & our own troubles when we are laughing at all the funny thing they do.

Hope the rest of your Birthday is enjoyable.....

[Open Eyes]

Oh happy birthday((((( beauflow)))))
I can understand your holding back on getting another kitty. Whenever we loose something it takes time to get over the loss. But if you get another kitty eskielover is right, there are so many that need loving homes just waiting for someone to love them.

My daughter has two cats and they stay inside all the time and they are quite happy with being indoor cats. And if you have a nervous dog and bring in a kitty that dog might enjoy having a little friend for when your not there, animals love to have friends just like us you know, and they actually live longer if they have companions who keep them company when we are not there.

I am glad you are not letting yourself fall into wondering about depressive thoughts and just learning to enjoy each day. I work at it too and some days are better than others.

Big Hugs for you Beauflow, Happy Birthday May your wish come true.
Open Eyes

[Caretaker Leo]

beauflow - Wishing you a good birthday - and also wish I could be 25 again!

[likewater]

Happy Birthday! Both my dog and i are cat people too. May you get a beatiful kitten and have a beautiful year.

[beauflow]

Thank you all- I agree animals are awesome friends and many need good homes. Our dog gets a long with cats so I think he would enjoy a friend again. thanks all again it has put a smile on my face to read your kind words

Happy birthday, beauflow.

[nacht]

Happy birthday.

[beauflow]

Thank you both TheByzantine and nacht ya know i've been thinking more on the why i may not be fallin into a rut. This year has been very positive my bf parent's said i'm part of the family and to come over this weekend and have dinner. It pulls a tear almost from my heart.
It's great that a handful of strangers on a form and a few old buds and then my bf parents- are so nice and caring. I keep feeling i don't deserve the nice from you all but i remember this no one in my family has said a nice happy birthday. It's complex and i don't want to sound like a cry baby, like i could understand if i didn't call them or text then or email them or take them out to eat on their birthdays but i always send a message to my sisters and bro. I know it's due to our upbringing esp our mother on how she was with bdays. but i remember this and think on it- accept the nice things in life and it maybe hard but That's cuz i had years before where i was forgotten when no one should be forgotten i appreciate you all even if i don't know you cuz ya know you all put a nice vibe towards other which can make a world of difference with how we can change

[nacht]

I completely understand. I grew up with parents that, while not abusive, largely ignored me because of the attention my sister required from them. They didn't attend my college graduation, they never helped me pay for school, they've never visited me in the hospital, and so on. I live half an hour away and I see them three or four times a year, if that.

And then there's my boyfriend's mother and grandmother, whom I see almost every weekend, and have made every effort to treat me like part of their family- along with my boyfriend, they've been more present and supportive of me than my family ever has.

It's nice to feel accepted and loved. I think everyone should feel that way.