Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

A man was hired to kill another man in a rice paddy using only two porcelain knick-knacks. The police reported it was the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

Why was the bedspread ill?

Because it felt like sheet.

Brunette: Hey!! OMG I lovee Eminem!!

Blonde: I prefer skittles.

Brunette: Tf' you talkin bout ?

Blonde: Eminem are okay , but SKITTLES!

Brunette: I meant the rapper..

Blonde: Ew. Why would you eat the wrapper ?! And you call ME dumb! >.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours belongs in the zoo,
But don't worry, i'll be there too!
But not in a cage, but laughing at you!!

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
How can you tell a blonde has been at your computer? There's white-out on the screen.

I was part of a real math program, the Yale University School Mathematics Study Group (SMSG) and we quickly nicknamed it, "Some Math Some Garbage". It was the beginning of the "new" math and they had to figure all that out, how to teach it, if it was better, etc.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

i feel stupid for asking but how do i set up a post,and umm a joke,ok
what do u call a 2 loafs of bread...too much bread

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

An engineer went to police station for filing report for his missing wife.
Engineer : I lost my wife, she went shopping and still not reached home yet.
Inspector : What is her height?
Engineer : I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Engineer : Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector : Colour of her eyes?
Engineer : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair.
Engineer : Changes according to season.
Inspector : What was she wearing?
Engineer : I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector : Was she going in a car?
Engineer : Yes.
Inspector : Tell me the number, name and colour of the car.
Engineer : Black Audi A8 with Supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. *And then the engineer started crying*
Inspector: Don't worry sir we'll find your car.

girl walks in to her teacher's office worried about her grades in the class.

she says is their anyway i can get an A in your class?. i'll do anything at all

the teacher sits back in his chair, thinks for a while and says.. are you sure?. anything?

the girl confirms.. anything at all.

so the teacher leans in close to her and whispers... would you perhaps study?

lol

Yes, every time I look in the mirror I see a good joke.

2 peanuts walk in to a bar

1 was assaulted

lol okay... that's bad. but yeah

Blonde goes to her doctor.

Blonde: I have so much pain. I press my forehead and it hurts, I press my arm and it hurts, I press my stomach and it hurts, I press my leg and it hurts. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: You have a sore finger.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

2 flies playing in a saucer.

1 turns to the other and says, we have to do better than this, next week, we're meant to be playing in the cup

lol

Doctor has some terminal news for a patient . . . Thinks about how to tell him. Finally, says . . . "I hope your attitude is as positive as these test results."

Psycologist to Client: "No, the test battery shows no indication of pathology . . . You're just an a$$hole."

doctor calls up his patient and says, i've got some bad news. you don't have long to live.

patient asks how long?

doctor says, 3

patient asks what?. 3 days?. 3 years?. 3 months?. what

doctor replies,
2.....

heheheheheh

Omg i lol'd at this one!!

a man is driving over the speed limit

he's aproached by a police officer, and when he sees the police he gets faster. soon they are chasing each other down the highway!

the police finally get him to stop, and the officer gets out of his car, walks to the man's car and asks.. do you know you were driving over the speed limit?. what's more, you didn't stop when we pulled up beside you- why!

the man replies, well... you see, a couple weeks ago, my wife ran away with an officer. i thought you were trying to give her back!

the officer smiled and said, oh, have a nice day, sir, and the man got away without a ticket