Anyone know any good jokes?? (please place them here)

Okay, this one works better when you tell it in person, it's kinda hard to write out. But here it goes:

Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
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Because B-shells were too small and D-shells were too big. (Get it, C-shells?)

-Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
-But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
-Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
-One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
-Oh, that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.
-Give me two good reasons why I should go to school.
-One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal of the school.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

-A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. (I love this one and I'm a pessimist)

-Freudian slip. When you say one thing and mean your mother.

-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

-A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.

-His photographic memory was never developed.

-When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-Without geometry, life is pointless.

-Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.

-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

-Dijon vu. The same mustard as before.

-Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

-When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

-A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

-A backwards poet writes inverse.

This one is rather vulgar, but a friend of mine who is a "church lady" sent it to me, if that's any excuse!

A kindergarten teacher was teaching her kids the connection between color and taste by giving them life saver candies. So, they had figured out that red ones were cherry, green ones were lime, yellow ones were lemon, and so on. Then she gave them one that was flavored "honey." They just could not figure that one out. Finally she decided to give them a clue. "It's a name your mom might call your dad," she said.

At that, one of her little girl students immediately spit the life saver out. "Oh, no," she said with horror, "it's an ***hole!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow wow, bow wow wow."

The clerk says, "You can add another 'Bow wow' for the same price."

The dog responded, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said, 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"

What do you call a dear with no eye's? Noeyedear

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Me!!

Me who?

Come on you know who you are

Well, I'll tell you one thing: VAGINA JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY. Period.

Guy Takes the Bathtub Test for Mental Health
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ said Guy. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. (Pause.)
… Guy, do you want a bed near the window?

Mrs Brown:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Mrs Brown:

Your So Ugly Even Freddie krueger Has Nightmares About You haha good 1

Mrs Brown:

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."

Mrs Brown:

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

I Wish Feckin Facebook would notify me when people delete me. At least that way i can Feckin "Like" it....

Sorry for the language but this is sooooooooooooo funny!! ha ha ha OMGoodness!! LOL ha ha ha

3 boys were playing football in the street. 1 was called manners, 1 called $hit and 1 called f**koff. On this sunny afternoon, while the boys were playing, they didn,t notice a car speeding down the road. All of a sudden $hit got run over!! Manners ran to help $hit and told f**koff to run to the telephone box and ring for help. "OK!!" he said. As f**koff got to the phonebox he dialed 999. A lady on the other end said "how can I help you?". "I need an ambulance NOW!!, my friend has been run over by a car" Ok said the lady, now what's your name? F**koff, he said. I beg your pardon?!!!! said the lady. F**koff!! he said. Wheres your manners? said the lady. In the middle of the road picking $hit up!!!!

Dumb and Dumber were riding in a car.
Dumb: Look at the bunch of cows.
Dumber: Not "bunch", "herd".
Dumb: Heard of what?
Dumber: Herd of cows.
Dumb: Of course I've heard of cows!
Dumber: No, no - a cow HERD!
Dumb: What do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.