Forgiveness

Forgiveness - Forgiveness is the art of letting go. Without it, the wounds incurred by a wrong never fully heal. Actions past continue to guide our current actions, unless we let them go.

Looking back, I realized that I can and have forgiven those who hurt me in relationships, or betrail of a friend, or disagreements on the job, or folks that have stepped on my toes. Have always let go..

Seems the only folks that I have not forgiven are the professionals that I reached out for help. Like the Christian atty, that said to me "you've been around the block, haven't you", because it was my second divorce. Then he added insult to insult by saying that I was a good actress and that I was not a dumb blonde. These words are not fabricated. They are the exact words my Christian atty said to me. The very same Christian man that sat in church with his hands raised, praising God..

And of course the Christian Counselor. What can I say.. What a fool I was.. Too bad that I was in serious emotional shape at that time, because if I had any sense left in me, I would have stopped seeing that counselor after 4 months. Five years paying this man and I was told to run aound a car when I had a panic attack. I was suffering and he didn't even give a diagnosis that what was happening to me was panic attacks. 2 years down the road and other T said, sounds like PTSD and panic attacks. Even then I didn't stop seeing the Counselor..Everytime I tried to quit he'd put me on a guilt trip.. OO you aren't ready to stop .. or whatever...

I brought up the incident with the Atty to the Counselor and he told me to get what I wanted and then give him a piece of my mind. Well, duh, the Atty already was in control and he surely wasn't going to work for my best interest, which he didn't. Turned out several years later the counselor told me the Christian atty did the same thing to another client of his. Screwed over her. I said, duh, too late to be telling me that now.....

Just running around a car during a panic attack isn't the only reason I harbor bad feelings toward the counselor.. It was because for the very first time in my life, I reached out for help. I was sinking and I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was losing my mind.. I had too much to lose and I needed to be well again.........

Guess the key is, reaching out for help and paying for it and not really getting any help. Just dug up more crap to put on my plate to make me even worse...

I resent the Christian Atty.. I will never ever step inside a church again because of him... Seeing how he treated me and learning later how he treated other "women" clients, and then seeing him sit in church with hands uplifted praising God.....Turns my stomach and I want to barf.

I resent the Christian Counselor. My safety was the church. And the Counselor did nothing to help me. I worked hard. I wanted and needed to be well..He offered nothing whatsoever that was helpful or an insight as to what was happening to me. I wasted 5 years in therapy...I didn't want to give up on therapy because I needed to get well. I was too sick to realize this guy is an idiot.....Like he was just patting me on the @ss and collecting his weekly fee. WHat an easy job...

The more "well" I get, the more I feel the resentment. I've learned so much online...I sometimes feel angry I didn't have a computer when in therapy or when I was divorcing...I want to say, why do I still hang around here, but then I realize, this is where I've gottent the most help...

Hi radio flyer,

I feel for you, what the Counselor and the Atty did was awful. It was abuse of power and it's outrageous that this can happen in places where you should get help the most. I have my own issues with forgiveness, but I have difficulty forgiving those who are closest to me.

What I'd like to tell you is, unfortunately there are people who misuse their power or who do harm to others in all areas of life. There is the same percentage of those people in church as there is everywhere, or so I imagine. There are people who go to church to connect with God and help others, people who go there out of habit, and unfortunately also those who intend to corrupt it. I wish there was something one could do against that, but please do not let that spoil your relationship with God or with the church. Maybe try another community and take it with a grain of salt? I know you couldn't do that when you weren't well, because at those times noone can really think straight, I know I can't.

I wish I could give you advice how to handle the resentment, but I struggle with this myself. I just want to let you know that I understand your feelings. I'm glad that you find help in this community, I like it a lot too. I wish you all the best!

Hi moodiegirl....

Thank you for understanding. It always helps when folks understand.

I still and hopefully always will believe in God. I just know I would not even buy ice cream from a professing christian.. And I'm not saying all christians are bad. It is just the "bag of resentment" that I now carry. What I trusted and thought was safe not only slapped me in the face and laughed, I paid them to do it to me!!! Who needs that? Not me, that is for sure.

The bad thing about "resentment" or "unforgiveness" is that we alone feel it. Those we don't forgive don't even know or care that we harbor those feelings. They move on and we are stuck with our feelings. So the "ideal" thing to do would be to "let go" "forgive".. I thought I forgave them. Looks Like I didn't, because those ugly feelings surfaced. But then I am not sure if I am angry at the counselor and atty or I am angry at myself for being so ill and being vulnerable and trusting. Had I been in my right mind, I would have run from both of them. Maybe my anger is more at "me" for being sooooooooooooo stupid and vulnerable. I know better, but during that "crazy" time in my life, I was holding on for dear life.. The sad thing is "I was the fool"...

Very true, forgiveness only helps us. I've just started reading "Forgiveness is a Choice" by Robert D. Enright, he also points out that fact. The beginning of the book is quite promising, so maybe have a look? I hope it has some good advice about letting go of resentment, I'm not that far in the book yet.

I think it's perhaps easier to forgive those close to us who are repentant and show regret, than those who couldn't care less and go on with their lives like nothing happened. Please don't beat yourself up for being vulnerable and trusting - you certainly were not stupid! If I remember the time when I was really in a bad situation - if somebody told me to go bungee jumping to snap out of my psychotic mania, believe me I would have done it. It's not about being a fool or stupid, like you said you were holding on for dear life and couldn't know better.

I hope you find the strength to forgive, most of all yourself (though you did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation, you were only trying to help yourself!) If you want to talk about this, feel free to pm me. Like I said, forgiveness is something I struggle with as well. Good luck!