Men Crying

I'm of two minds about this post. My first response was, who decides what's silly or what's worth crying about? Then I thought about my now deceased second husband, and how emotional he could be sometimes. He was the cry-at-the-movies type, and it didn't even have to be a sad movie. He cried watching Disney's "Beauty and the Beast," recalling how when he was younger, he didn't have a girlfriend, or even any friends, and thought it was because he was ugly. Never mind that he now had a *wife* sitting right there next to him. Those old feelings from the past came up, and he didn't care where he was, he'd cry. That wasn't the only movie. In fact, more movies made him cry than didn't. Even Jim Varney's "Ernest" movies would do it. Any time a character was a laughingstock, or lonely, or rejected in any way, bring on the waterworks. When we watched "Home Alone," in the early scenes where everybody was verbally abusing the Macaulay Culkin character, he had to leave the theater for a few minutes.

If we had an argument, he'd cry. If someone said something that hurt his feelings, he'd cry. If he was criticized or he thought someone was angry with him, he'd cry. Not merely tears, but sobbing and whole-body shaking. Even in public. Obviously he had some major emotional issues going on. His behavior was not normal for a grown man, or healthy. But there's a part of me that asks, who am I to call it "silly"? It didn't feel "silly" to him.

What I can't agree with is the statement that there is *nothing* wrong with not crying, or not feeling the need to cry. My present-and-forever husband is the case in point here. He is emotionally cut off to the extreme. I have asked him, "How would you feel if...," and he didn't comprehend the question. He kept answering what he would do if that situation happened, not what he would *feel.* If I ask him about a real, not hypothetical situation, "How did you feel when...," again he answers with what action he took, not what emotion he felt. He is incapable of recognizing or giving a name to an emotion. It's the same with mine. He can't tell when I'm merely expressing a feeling, or having a psychiatric meltdown. Therefore any time I cry, for any reason, his automatic response is to ask me if I need the doctor.

Until his cat died, I wondered if he had lost his ability to show emotions. Before that, I'd seen him lose both grandmothers within six months of each other, and then a dearly beloved uncle shortly after that. No reaction. Not even a bowed head or a sigh. Having been there myself, I'd say there's plenty wrong with that. I now suspect he may have cried privately, just didn't let me see it, and I think that's OK. By the time the cat died, he trusted me enough to let me see it. No drama, just a few quiet tears, and it touched my heart. I loved him for it. I loved him for loving the cat so much. And I appreciated his trust, letting me into his inner world like that.

Probably balance is the thing. A man shouldn't hold it back, but he should control it. So should a woman.

Totally agree with you completely. There are even times when I don't even thing it's okay for a women to cry like when it's over every little thing, both genders need to control it, but don't see a problem in shedding a few tears every now and then. I don't think it's okay to bottle up emotions though since that can cause long term emotional problems and even depression, even possible anger issues.

I tell you exactly how I feel about ...

If boys and men weren't supposed to cry, they wouldn't have tear ducts!

It ticks me off right badly to hear a parent tell their male children that "Boys Don't Cry".

Why?

I mean if a four year old little boy falls and skins his knee, isn't he hurting just as badly as a four year old girl who's fallen and skint hers?

It's despicable to tell little boys they aren't supposed to cry!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Totally agree!

My dad once tried to convince me that if I ever cried, then no one would like me and would not want to be around me. At first I believed him since I was so young, now I know that's not exactly true unless you cry literally over every little thing.

The thought occurs to me, on the subject of "balance." By analogy, we are taught when we are very young that we must control urination. We don't just empty our bladders automatically, the instant we feel the urge. It isn't socially acceptable. We wait for the appropriate time and place. Barring disease or injury, the inability to control it usually indicates some weakness or incompetence. The person is still a small child, is elderly and infirm, is drunk, or is perhaps mentally challenged in some way. And then those who cannot control it are expected to manage the situation, by using protection, catheters, or some other method of making sure there aren't random puddles being left everywhere.

In the same way, we are taught to control our tear ducts. We don't just start it up whenever the urge hits. We wait for the appropriate time and place, and then we control how we release it. Generally, bawling and open-mouth wailing is the domain of babies and small children. Older children and adults have learned to be less demonstrative. There may be tears and some sobbing, but usually the vocal cords are far less involved. Even my overemotional deceased husband was able to control that much.

But getting back to the analogy, if boys were taught that only girls may urinate, and that boys never do, how unhealthy would that be? We teach them to control it, but we don't teach them to hold it back forever, do we?

Makes perfect sense.

I cry when the tears emerge. I don't question or judge it. I offer the same space for others regardless of gender, age, ability, etc. I think our culture has by and large misplaced its priorities.

Along with, "I'll give you something to cry about," I've often heard that old saying, "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Again I mention, some of us as women have gotten those messages too. It's garbage, either way.

Yep that's right.

Yeah, men ought to cry when they should. Even when I watch movies that produce feelings of sadness, I just get teary-eyed.

I think that it more than okay for a man to cry and not be thought of as weak. I cried when my dog died, when I got divorced, and often tear up when I feel so frustrated or "stuck". Once, I cried in front of my father, a retied Marine Sgt. Major, and he sent me outside because, I guess, he was embarrassed. It made me feel less of myself and ashamed.

So, what? I now let myself choke up and drop a tear or two whenever something hurts. I even choke up watching television and movies. It's okay for a man to cry.

it's normal to cry over things like that. For the ones that don't cry, I don't see myself identifying much with them.

Can i agree to disagree? I have been in a situation where I was scolded and cried and nobody was there to support me. Laugh, and the world laughs with you and cry and you're crying alone makes me think back to those times when the world did not care and I so wanted everyone dead. Not anymore, though. Things have changed and I'm better now.

As a man and someone who not only was raised in the military but also joined the Marine Corps and was in iraq I believe there are very few instances where it is appropriate. Grieving the loss of a friend or family member,excruciating pain, or severe emotional trauma. Outside of those I personally feel men need to be men and deal with things in an appropriate manner. I'm sure its not a popular or PC view but I believe that while people may say "Oh its ok for men to cry it shows strength" I do personally think its weakness if you cry over as they say spilled milk.

I have been to many funerals and memorial services and again this is partly due to being military and the fact when in uniform you don't display emotion, but only once have I cried at a funeral or memorial service and not because I bottled it up but because I accept the facts as they are. That person or persons are dead.

If am man cries because a dog dies in a movie, or because his gf of three weeks breaks up with him yes I would wonder what is wrong with him barring him having a disorder which may be the underlying cause. I think people seem to get the view that men that don't cry or think crying is a sign of weakness are brutes or angry when thats just ignorant. I jokingly put it like this "Who would you want when the zombies come? The guy who weeps at every turn and is always "in touch with his feeling, or the guy who can understand something horrible happened but continue to stay focused and function to get you to safety and then allow you to grieve however you need because he merely appraises the situation, acknowledges that people, animals whatever were lost and resumes being proactive and constructive?"

I see your point. Often people don't support us when we're down. But I don't think the "laugh and the world laughs with you" line should be used by a parent, alongside "I'll give you something to cry about," to discourage a child from showing emotions. That's the bigger point I was trying to make.

I do understand that children (of both sexes) need to be taught not to pitch a fit just because they didn't get their own way about something. But I managed to teach my daughters not to throw tantrums in the store because they want candy, without cutting off all of their emotions in the process. They assure me I've never given them the message that crying is not OK. And I wasn't even all that great a parent.

cuhs when a parent yells at her kids simply because they're crying then they will think that the people is heartless. That's what I used to think. Why not be patient and let her have it all out? If you can't handle it, then don't be a parent. Being a parent is not easy and even if I haven't been a parent yet, I know how hard it can be because i've seen it so many times when i'm on the streets, whenever i'm around people.

A lot of women will say they don't mind a man crying but often if it happens many of them say how uncomfortable it felt.

Men don't cry as often, and a lot of that is because of hormones. The higher the testosterone, the less likely for the person to cry. So therefore, a man who cries often has less testosterone, and therefore weaker genetics, and therefore less attractive to the female because he is seen as low status and weak.

We're often told that men don't cry as often because crying is viewed by society as a weakness. That maybe so, but once again, isn't that the natural order of things?

Therefore, I view a man not needing to cry as not always a sign of a problem. A high testosterone male will find it difficult, if not almost impossible to cry. As he gets older, his testosterone lowers, his urge to cry becomes prominent.

What you say makes a lot of sense on paper, but my husband has low T. It was tested at the doctor's suggestion because he's 50 and has diabetes and night sweats. But he just about finds it impossible to cry, even with more than sufficient reason such as when someone close to him dies. With him, it's that matter of having had it beat out of him, nothing to do with testosterone. He'll say that himself. I don't know about the T levels of the deceased past husband who cried excessively even in my own opinion. He was never tested.

As for women saying they find it attractive when a man cries, but also talking about it making them feel uncomfortable, well, when my past husband cried in public just because someone had criticized him, yes, you'd better believe that made me uncomfortable. But not just because he was crying. What I didn't like about it was that he didn't have enough control to get out of there first and go somewhere private if he had to cry. Getting back to that urination analogy, I would feel the same if he had a defective bladder but refused to wear protection. It would be unreasonable to be angry with him simply for having an accident, because he can't help that. But yes, especially if it consistently happened in public, I would be mad at him for not taking precautions when he knows he has that problem.

But that hypermacho attitude of "Crying is for women and wimps. I never cry because I'm a man," well, I find that disgusting. My now-and-forever husband, as emotionally closed off as he is, when he cried over his cat dying, I have never loved him more than I did at that moment. Was that maybe because it was so out of character for him? It did surprise me, because he hadn't cried over his human relatives. When his uncle died, I cried but he didn't. But he is not hypermacho in other ways; witness the fact that his beloved pet was a cat, not a rottweiler or a pit bull.

Men crying is normal to me, it is not attached to their masculinity nor attractiveness. It dos not suddenly deflate my opinion of any of the men I can think to see them cry. Nor do I think they are better. I would however be worried about how I comfort them, with a woman/ child we use physical contact and soothing words. I would feel that I may make a man feel `silly' if I suddenly jolted him out of his sobbing by the usual sympathetic measures. I am more inclined to think of a man as being sensitive not by crying but by his reactions to an animal or old lady. Crying is a normal unremarkable function when overwhelmed.Its what is behind the crying that reveals the sensitivity.

Souls are sexless. Emotions are human. Not male. Not female.

It's been my experience that men like to be comforted with physical affection too. If uncertain, I might start with a pat on the shoulder and/or the offer of a kleenex, and go from there based on his reactions. But then I would do that with anyone I don't know well, male or female.

Early in the relationship with my husband, the fact that he never cried, and in fact hardly even changed his facial expression or body language, left me baffled. I wanted to be there for him when something happened, as a partner should be, but I couldn't tell when he needed me. Now I am a little better at reading his signals. It's just that they are so subtle, a person must know him very, very well to be able to pick up on them. When he verbally mentions to me how much he misses his deceased relatives or the cat, or when something stressful happens, I treat his words as my cue. I'll sit next to him and hold his hand. I'll listen to him, mostly silently, but asking questions if his words invite me to. If he's highly (for him) upset, for example if it's his grandmother's birthday and that triggers thoughts of how he misses her, I might snuggle in next to him and put my arms around him while he's telling me about some memory of her. This I take as his way of crying, so instead of lecturing him on how he should release his emotions, I simply do the same thing I would do if he actually were crying.

I think crying shows weakness and if a man cries then it signals that he is not able to provide for his family or prospective partner, and thus he becomes unattractive by comparison to an otherwise stoic male.

Please explain how crying for any reason means a man cannot provide for a family? I don't see a connection between the two.

Unless you're being ironic?

It shows weakness and emotional instability. Society expects men to be sturdy and ready to fight if need be. Partners expect their men to be stable and protective. Crying doesn't work for this image.