[Redsoft]

At the risk of starting a debate rather than a venue for discussion...

What are your thoughts about the differences between introverts and extroverts? How do you feel as one or the other? I've kind of made the subject into what seems [hopefully only] a temporary hobby the last few months, and it just gets more interesting.

I am a complete introvert. I have social anxiety, social detachment. Hanging out with people, when I do, in more than a two-by-two situation outside of family (and sometimes even then) requires at least a full day of recovery time. I write. I play video games. I prefer to paint than go to a barbecue. I make friends easily, when I want to, but it takes a very long time and special circumstance to become good friends with intimate knowledge. And so on and so on.

I am an American. Without a second's thought, I believe my country to be extroverted in terms of majority ruling. At this point in life, I feel second-handedly bullied by "society." "Everyone," including jobs, new people I meet, some family, pop culture and so on is always pushing me to be extroverted, making my introversion seem like a sickness or weakness.

I'm a great faker to the outside world (I can talk when necessary to strangers, even though I hate it), and honestly just seem "quiet" or "reserved" rather than to the extents I know myself to be. I pay the price for acting "normal" in recoup time. But that's part of it too - I don't give up personal details that easily, but don't approve of being rude either. Of course, I am an extreme introvert to the point of debilitating health-wise, but that is my feeling...I, and people like me, should be allowed to be who we are without being told we're doing it wrong.

Perhaps I wouldn't have social anxiety if I wasn't pinned as being irregular from age two, being told that quiet can automatically mean rude, or saying little means causing awkwardness. One never knows, of course. Silence is something found to be awkward, at least in my part of the country, rather than a period for consideration or time to think. Small talk is expected, which is something a waste of time, pointlessly tiring, and sometimes even pandering to me.

I can't help but feel resentful of extroverts at times because of the above, or just plain overtaxed by them (finding many needy or just affronting), though of course I admire things about them too, including the traits I find difficult to handle, haha. Having those traits myself would make life much easier, and are great advantages in career and such. And imagine the visceral fun of just talking without tyrannical self-consciousness with a stranger and learning new things about people so easily and with such gusto! Extroverts seem to enjoy themselves more often, but really I think it's just their expression making it seem that way. I'm generalizing of course, but such is the nature of the subject.

So what is your take? Do you consider yourself one or the other? What do you think are some inaccurate or accurate stereotypes? Do you think your personal culture, religion, or society add to the introvert/extrovert situations or opinions you experience?

For the record, I am an INTP per the Meyers-Briggs typeology. There's a pretty solid test by HumanMetrics if you want to know yours, and great descriptions of each at TypeLogic, if you believe in such things. More often than not, I've found, they're pretty accurate.

I want to be an extrovert. I mean I am sociable but the thing is I'm just not able to communicate all my thoughts to people because I feel like they might use it against me.

[Citrine]

Its a current obsession..extroversion. Its like you are no one unless you are an extro. Im exhausted by the trait.

[shezbut]

I think that there are significant benefits to those who are naturally extroverted. I'd venture to say that most people are pretty good at "faking it" under certain circumstances. Then, there are the extremes (on both sides).

Those who cannot fake extroversion, like myself, struggle a lot with insecurity and social anxiety. I kick myself for being so rigid, but it takes a long time for me to build trust in someone. Only a small handful of people have ever gotten past my barriers. The sad part is that I have so many barriers set up between me and the world, I cause myself most of this misery.

The other extreme, natural extroverts. My bf is actually one of these people. {Before him, I seriously doubted whether there could be people this way.} Completely comfortable with himself and his abilities. Confident in everything he is and things that he's done. He's now physically disabled, but before that, he lived his life 100% 365 days/year. Fully into sports, parties, meeting others, working hard, etc. He knows a heck of a lot of people & instantly develops a great rapport with newcomers. {We are complete opposites!} Even though he's quadraplegic (sp?), he has not lost any of that ambition or extroversion. He amazes me!

[cool09]

It's mind-blowing that we are all the same and not the same. Our minds are all wired differently for some strange reason.

[Seshat]

I’m shy, an introvert and HSP. I was born that way and I’m proud and thankful. I don’t need to be around people all the time and I’m glad my profession doesn’t require me to either. I think it’s an extroverts world and sometimes I feel kinda lost or out of place. I’ve been bullied because of my introversion. Some people don’t get it: they think it’s a disease, they’ll make these ”theories” about you, they’ll ignore you, they’ll label you… ugh.

I was brought up to believe being shy and an introvert was wrong. I guess that’s why I had all these feelings of guilt and inadequacy when I was a kid. I must admit I wouldn’t have gotten over it without psychotherapy (my T is an introvert as well. lol) and the book “The gift of shyness” by Alexander Avila.

My real problems are social phobia/social anxiety, my occasional passive-aggressiveness and a certain lack of social skills. I feel like an alien and I don't understand people. I just don't.

I hate stereotypes. I hate the fact that sometimes introverts and/or shy people are automatically called “crazy”, “boring”, “need-to-get-a-life”, “conceited”, “cold”, “dangerous”… etc. I used to take offense to it, but lately I just shrug it off and explain generalizations and prejudice don’t get us anywhere.

PS: I love the smiley. Had never seen it before. So cute!

[lizardlady]

I'm not so sure that the US is an extrovert country. Extroverts are more visible and draw more attention to themselves. Introverts by nature are quiet and less noticed. That makes it seem like the majority is extroverted, just because they are the most visible.

I don't believe that one is better than the other. I do believe that learning to be comfortable with who you are is important. I am an introvert by nature. I used to be horribly shy. Over the years I learned to be less shy. Now I work in a profession that requires interaction with other people all day. I love my job. Still I am happy as can be to come home to my nice quiet house at night and not have to deal with other people for awhile. On the flip side, my boss is a total extrovert. She is happiest when she is surrounded by other people. Neither is "right" or "wrong". We are just who we are.

Several people mentioned the belief others have that shy/introverted people are stuck up. I also hate that. Just because I'm quiet and like my own company does not mean I'm stuck up. On the other hand, I worked to develop social skills to lessen the appearance of being stuck up. I don't consider that "faking it." I consider it developing interpersonal skills.

[growlithing]

I'm skeptical as to how you guys are defining "extroversion". You write that extroverts are naturally self confident and hard working. Being an extrovert really only means that you draw energy from other people. Meaning that an extrovert seeks social interaction to make them feel happy.

I'm definitely an extrovert. I constantly want to be around people and when I am, I'm not uncomfortable being the center of attention. When I'm not around people, I get very lonely FAST. However, I wouldn't say I'm self confident. Maybe I'm confident in my abilities to entertain others, but I'm still anxious that people won't like me and sometimes if I don't draw attention to myself, I get scared that they hate me.

I also know a LOT of introverts who are a lot harder working than me. It's hard to sit in a room and get work done when you get really down being alone after two hours.

Being an "introvert" doesn't mean that you are inferior or worse than other people. If all of you were to magically become extroverts, it wouldn't just magically fix all of your problems. It's possible to be an extrovert with social anxiety. It means you emotionally need to be around people but are scared to do so. It's horrible.

[lizardlady]

Excellent point Growlithing! You are right that extroverts as a group are not more hard working than introverts as a group. Like I said, it's a matter of learning to be comfortable with who you are.

I am a confirmed introvert, and I've always caught hell for it. I was raised (inadvertently, I'm sure) to believe that whatever trait applies to me, it is wrong and I should try to make myself the opposite instead. For example, I was a girly-girl at heart, but I was made to keep my hair short and wear slacks, when I wanted long hair and dresses. No being beautiful for me. No bows in the hair, no earrings, no lace or ruffles. Even my severely bucked teeth would never have been corrected if it weren't for the intervention of a school counselor.

On top of that, I had what I considered a boy's name. It's actually unisex, but I can think of many more well-known men who have it than women. (Robin Givens and Robin Wright vs. Robin Williams, Robin Leach, Robin Thicke, Robin Gibb, Robin Zander, Robin Hood, Batman & Robin, Christopher Robin....) Then came the overheard comments, where my mother would be praising up my tomboy classmates, admiring how well they can run and climb trees, while I was anything but athletic. All of this combined to send me the message that I wasn't acceptable as a girly-girl. They wanted me to be a tomboy--and then criticized me for not being ladylike. ???

I was intellectual and quick to learn, but that didn't impress anybody. I could bring home all the straight A's I wanted. All I'd hear was, "You're book smart, but you don't have any common sense." Or, "If you're so smart, how come you can't figure out...." Or, "It says here you daydream a lot." (Yes, because the work was boring and I wasn't being challenged.) Any social faux pas, or any lack of knowledge about some matter such as sports trivia, brought a rousing, "You are so DUMB!" OK, then, so much for me being intelligent.

Even being well-behaved and obedient didn't get me any brownie points. Oh, the adults usually liked me for it, but then they were always telling the other children they should be more like Robin, because she never talks in class and always does as she's told, so naturally the kids hated me for it.

And, I was introverted. Still am. Didn't fly with my extrovert mother. She could NOT understand why I wasn't running for school elections, going out with friends all the time, dating every week. And what's this about not going to your senior prom? You're missing out on life, girl!

So I tried to be a tomboy, tried to misbehave, started smoking, drinking, and cussing like a sailor by the time I was 12 so I wouldn't be a goody-two-shoes, tried to be a social butterfly and join every possible club... and failed miserably because everyone could see through my act. Not only did it never get me any dates, but it always led to the inevitable "just be yourself" speech.

Well, I could be myself, or I could be what my family expected of me, but not both.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

And, I was introverted. Still am. Didn't fly with my extrovert mother. She could NOT understand why I wasn't running for school elections, going out with friends all the time, dating every week. And what's this about not going to your senior prom? You're missing out on life, girl! [...]

Well, I could be myself, or I could be what my family expected of me, but not both.

This is where I think the real problem is. The problem is not that some people are introverts, the problem is that extroverts don't always try to understand introverts. Too often, extroverts just assume that everyone has the same mindset that they do and they end up harassing introverted people to "get out and be with people" or they will label them as antisocial and avoid them altogether.

Personally, I think of the difference between introverts and extroverts to be kinda like a cat vs a dog. The extrovert is a dog. They are the ones excitedly running up and greeting someone at the door and following them around the house. An introvert is the cat. When someone rings the doorbell, they hide but if you are calm, patient, and don't bother them, they will come out and share a room with you. If they feel like being around people, they will be and when they have enough of social interaction, they leave. You can't chase down a cat and force him to sit on your lap just like you can't leave a dog in his cage for a day. An extrovert's job is to understand and respect that.

When you get an extrovert that does get that, I think friendships and relationship between introverts and extroverts are a natural, beautiful thing. The extrovert offers energy and entertainment while the introvert offers peace and level headedness. My friends are almost exclusively introverts.

[possum220]

I can be both introvert and extrovert depending on the company and also depending on my mood.

I think I can be introvert. In the past, I've had friends who I felt so uncomfortable talking to. Even one of them said, you've got to talk more. Well, I don't want to I can talk to people in shops as I did today. I asked a lady for advice in a shop. I'm quite proud of myself for that! It's just finding the right words which causes problems for me. Sometimes, I need my personal space and I like being quiet because it can mean I can daydream and go into my world. In the past, I believed that people "have" to be extroverts but over the years, I've learnt to love who I am. I cannot be pushed to talk. I will talk when I'm ready. I think one of the disadvantages of being talkative is that you might give people a headache from your constant talking.

[Redsoft]

Even from the posts here, it looks like a common theme that introverts are often pressured to fit into the extrovert box. What's with that? We don't push extroverts towards being introverted.

It's really an unfair bias pushed on many as kids, where public schools are largely catered to extroverts and EXPECT extroversion, at the cost of grades sometimes, including things like required group projects, even elective type courses. In my school, we had to participate in recitals for choir for a couple years, dance events, and plays as part of music! Now, I love music and pursued it throughout school instrumentally, but the only place I sing is in the shower, thank you! Extracurricular activities like sports or leadership or clubs are shoved down our throats and we're told we won't get into a good college without some. In high school, people are sent to the counselor if they are quiet or stick to themselves, because something must be wrong.

Personally, in non-school life, I have never once had to work as a group, and I've been successful in my endeavors. I am an adult. I have the choice whether or not to accept those types of positions or situations where group involvement is necessary. Does this make things more difficult for me? Sometimes. Would I rather it be a little more difficult than deal with the tediousness of a group? Absolutely.

I once asked a teacher to work on a project that was assigned as a partner or group assignment to work on my own; my friend, who had a different class period than I, had told me she had been allowed to. We were both at the top of the class, so I figured there would be no problem. I wasn't allowed; I was told I was shy and not very social, so the group work would be beneficial, despite my above 100% grade. TELL ME HOW THIS MAKES SENSE. I do great work, alone! This is school, not a sorority! I got a C- on the project because my partner was a dolt and blabbed her way through every class, making elementary mistakes on her portion. Reeeally encouraging.

^^True this. If I didn't want to work in a group because the other kids picked on me, I wasn't granted the luxury of working on my own. I just got the standard lecture on how I needed to learn to get along with people even if I didn't like them.

Well, of course I didn't like them. They were mean little snots.

But that wasn't addressed. I was the socially awkward penguin here, so it was my fault. Extrovert, good. Introvert, bad. "Stuck-up." "Anti-social." "Thinks she's too good for us." "It isn't healthy to stay in your room. You need to get out and be with people." Yeah, I got all of that. It didn't matter how cruel and unkind the others were to me either. I was the one who was unacceptable, because I was introverted.

Get this straight: There's no need to be extroverted or introverted. Just go with what you are comfortable with.

[Redsoft]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I just got the standard lecture on how I needed to learn to get along with people even if I didn't like them.

Well, of course I didn't like them. They were mean little snots.

But that wasn't addressed.

OMG. This one always kills me. Like, no. Tell them to stop being a jack ***, regardless of extrovert or introvert of course. Adult life does not work that way, and nor should childhood, since it's a prep course. If a co-worker is a snot to you, you either tell them so and hope their attitude clears or tell them to leave you be, or tell a manager. Telling a manager is usually policy, and altercations between coworkers frowned upon. Snotty workers get canned! At least in at-will states, haha. That stuff isn't acceptable in "real" life.

It IS sadly true, at least in my observations and experience. If an extrovert was picking on an introvert, they were told to stop, but not punished. The introvert is told to come out their shell.

That's a weird stereotype too. I don't have a shell. This is me. I'm not some weird creature with an exoskeleton, I'm just not as expressive as some.

Originally Posted by Redsoft

OMG. This one always kills me. Like, no. Tell them to stop being a jack ***, regardless of extrovert or introvert of course. Adult life does not work that way, and nor should childhood, since it's a prep course. If a co-worker is a snot to you, you either tell them so and hope their attitude clears or tell them to leave you be, or tell a manager. Telling a manager is usually policy, and altercations between coworkers frowned upon. Snotty workers get canned! At least in at-will states, haha. That stuff isn't acceptable in "real" life.

It IS sadly true, at least in my observations and experience. If an extrovert was picking on an introvert, they were told to stop, but not punished. The introvert is told to come out their shell.

That's a weird stereotype too. I don't have a shell. This is me. I'm not some weird creature with an exoskeleton, I'm just not as expressive as some.

speaking of people being rude, I was volunteering at the library the other day and this lady told me that I should be standing by her desk when I talk because my voice carries. Wow, can't believe she would say such a thing. When my other fellow volunteers were talking a lot and she was on the phone, she did not direct the question at them but to me. Even before i started volunteering, she's always given me an attitude. I notice how her tone of voice changes depending on who she talks to. She needs to be nicer or else I'll talk to the manager about it.

[hahalebou]

Oooh, I love this topic!

I'm an ambivert. Yes, yes, I know - many will argue this trait does not actually exist, but it is the only term I could use to describe myself. I see introversion and extroversion as a sliding scale. They aren't black and white terms to me.

If I'm constantly around other people, I become agitated and stressed. If I'm constantly alone, I become lonely and tearful. You know how there are plants that can survive without water for several months, and then there are other plants that have to be watered twice a day? I'm the plant that can go a week without water. Water me too much or not enough, and I wilt on the spot.

Botanical analogies aside, I tend to mix well with extroverted people. They love me and I love them. They bring out my more playful and outgoing side, and they don't drain me of my social energy as quickly. Extremely introverted people, however, tend to drain me rather quickly. They also seem to bring out my more quiet and awkward side. I feel that I have to make more of an effort to keep conversation going with extremely introverted people, as opposed to extremely extroverted people. Judging by all the introverted people here, I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion. (I still love you though!!) And I also wanted to add that I don't believe in forcing people to be one way or another. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, and it's not something you can choose. You're either born that way, or you're not. Introverts are really cool - a lot of the most revolutionary people in history have been strong introverts.

I do have introverted friends, and I love them to pieces. My childhood best friend that I still talk to this very day happens to be an introvert, and I adore her. It's just that I can't spend very long talking to them, because I'm so exhausted and snippy afterwards. And because I'm super obsessed with the MBTI, I will say that I have consistently scored INFP in the past but I occasionally get an ENFP result.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Redsoft

OMG. This one always kills me. Like, no. Tell them to stop being a jack ***, regardless of extrovert or introvert of course. Adult life does not work that way, and nor should childhood, since it's a prep course. If a co-worker is a snot to you, you either tell them so and hope their attitude clears or tell them to leave you be, or tell a manager. Telling a manager is usually policy, and altercations between coworkers frowned upon. Snotty workers get canned! At least in at-will states, haha. That stuff isn't acceptable in "real" life.

It IS sadly true, at least in my observations and experience. If an extrovert was picking on an introvert, they were told to stop, but not punished. The introvert is told to come out their shell.

That's a weird stereotype too. I don't have a shell. This is me. I'm not some weird creature with an exoskeleton, I'm just not as expressive as some.

Okay but when I was picked on as a kid, I was told to either ignore them or stand up for myself. The problem is that we as a society do not have a good solution for bullying and I don't think that is an extrovert vs introvert issue. The only solution that would work for sure is to make yourself not a good choice victim by physically beating the ******* **** out of whoever is picking on you but we can't have violence like that in a civilized society. We need to figure out how to actually handle bullies via maybe like some mandatory anger/regular therapy for repeat offenders to try and solve the root of their bullying problem. I dunno, I'm sure there are better ideas than that.

[A Red Panda]

I am an ambivert. I'm both extraverted and introverted. I get energy from people, but I also get energy from being on my own. Sometimes people drain me, other times being alone drives me insane. I'm often the "life of the party" but I hate being the centre of attention. I can talk to anyone about almost anything; but I don't trust them and keep anything that actually matters to me to myself.

I think it's part of the bipolarness though... little all over the place depending on situations!

[The_little_didgee]

This is a good topic and a huge concern for me, especially when it comes to employment. I often wonder where we introverts fit in Western society.

Introversion is different from shyness, because it is innate. Shyness is learned.

Meeting people and talking is difficult so I remain quiet. Usually, I have no idea what to say or how to make people feel at ease. Perhaps, this is a combination of shyness and the quiet manifestation of Aspergers. Generally, I am quiet in social settings, unless people are discussing topics I feel passionate about.

I like my introverted personality. My strengths compensate for my apparent flaw.

There is definitely a cultural influence. I grew up on a remote FIrst Nations community where people are known to be reticent. My Native father is a man of few words. I possess some of that quality.

Why do I feel pressured to be an extrovert? Society. During my adolescence, I tried to conform, but it cost me my mental health. Now, I refuse to, because I can't stand acting nor am I good at it.

It would be a lot easier for us if society appreciated us a bit more. We have talents and a lot to contribute.

Didgee, a proud INTJ.

[LeahWolf]

I am definitely a introvert. I hide things from everyone except my closet friends. which is only 1. I am more the loner type, Iwould rather sit home and read a good book then go dancing at a club lol. I do find alot of comfort in playing online video games and I have met alot of interesting and fun people from around the world through it.
I just cant understand how people can be so open about them selves as an extrovert. Although I have come to learn that when extroverts look like there all care free and happy, some of them are just using it as a cry for help or attention. (no offense intended)

I wanted to note too, introversion cost me a basic education. They played with the idea of skipping me over first grade and starting me out in second, then decided against it "because her social skills aren't developed." In other words, kids picked on me. And they punished ME for it, calling it my lack of social skills instead of their being bullies.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by LeahWolf

I am definitely a introvert. I hide things from everyone except my closet friends. which is only 1. I am more the loner type, Iwould rather sit home and read a good book then go dancing at a club lol. I do find alot of comfort in playing online video games and I have met alot of interesting and fun people from around the world through it.
I just cant understand how people can be so open about them selves as an extrovert. Although I have come to learn that when extroverts look like there all care free and happy, some of them are just using it as a cry for help or attention. (no offense intended)

Ha, dancing at the club doesn't really sound like my style. I hate parties because large crowds or feeling like an outsider triggers me.

Yeah, I know sometimes people do that and even I sometimes do that. Maybe not as a cry for help but definitely for attention because I require lots of positive feedback in order to feel accepted/wanted so I act goofy and try to make people laugh. But I'm not faking being goofy or comedic because that is a big part of me.

However, I've never known an introvert to fake extroversion as a cry for help or attention. I've associate them more with keeping a journal or painting.