Hi, I attend an excellent weekly support group hosted by NAMI. The group is for anyone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness and wants support from peers. I've been attending the group for about 3 months regularly (never missed a group). A few weeks ago, the facilitator informed the group that NAMI is looking for people to volunteer as facilitators. Anyone who volunteers for the position would take a week-end course on how to facilitate the group.

I've thought it over for a few weeks. I'm a natural leader-type person, have good social skills, and I already have experience working with at-risk teens ( a job I loved). A week ago I decided to message the facilitator on Facebook & ask him to put my name on the list for facilitator training.

Now. Here's the thing. I am 51 years of age, look younger - but I am a very responsible and dependable person. I have many very artistically rendered tattoos, long dreadlocks, a double nostril piercing, and tend to dress creatively (though certainly not outlandishly and definitely not in any way provocatively). I live in northern California, so I'm certainly not alone in my creative appearance. Still, I am in a minority.

Last night after the group I asked the facilitator about the status of the upcoming training. He's usually very friendly to me. When I inquired about the training, however, he was standoffish and vague...said something like, "Uh, yeah...your name's on the list. Someone will call you at some point..." But NAMI has been basically begging people to become facilitators, because there's a shortage.

Do you ever have a crystal-clear intuition, it's almost like you can see the words a person is thinking over their head? Well, I had that type of intuition last night. I was 99.9% positive that the facilitator isn't wild about me becoming a group facilitator because of my appearance. I tried hard not to take his response personally, because it's not something I'm not used to - although most people have only positive comments on my creative appearance. (My job is working in a funky old cafe, so my appearance is of benefit there.)

HERE is my question: I want to message the facilitator and tell him that I strongly suspect he's not comfortable with me being a facilitator because of my "colorful" appearance, and that I understand where he's coming from. I hate having this "thing" hanging in the air between us...I feel awkward about being in the group having the issue hidden under a carpet (so to speak). NOW: What is your opinion on this? If you were in my shoes, would you message the facilitator and bring the issue out into the open or would you let it remain kind of...festering (which is what it feels like it's doing to me)?
~Thank you for your input~ ~Sister Rags~

[Slamjammer]

Yes, it's an awkward situation. It's interesting that you would describe your self-affected appearance as "creative" in one instance, but "colorful" in another. I suspect others may see things differently, and that is the real issue.

No need to answer here, but have you asked yourself....are you trying to attract attention, or are you trying to hide the real "you" behind the facade?

In any case, you are more than likely correct in assessing the facilitators thoughts. There is nothing to be gained by confronting him. You can put the issue to rest by simply sending him a message saying you have reconsidered, and would like to withdraw your name ....thanks for the consideration, etc. etc. Everyone can then breathe a sigh of relief and go about their lives.

Good luck !

[Webgoji]

I think it would be good to contact him, but don't say anything about it being about your appearance or anything. Just message him and ask how the search is going and if you are being considered or not.

If you assign a cause, then it can sound confrontational and I don't think you want to come across that way.

[KathyM]

If you feel you have the qualifications and skill to be a facilitator, I see no harm in contacting him to clear up the matter. It might very well be that he is judging you based solely on your appearance and stigma attached. But I'm with you. It could be a benefit to have a "creative" and "colorful" facilitator on the team, especially for those members who are also creative and colorful in their own way.

Thank you, Kathy. That's my gut feeling. There's all the talk about breaking the stigma of mental illness...hmm...how about breaking all sorts of stigmas...

Webgoji, thank you.

slamjammer...uh...neither. My appearance is an expression of my creativity. I am not trying to get attention (I have enough personality & self-confidence, I don't need to use my appearance to "get attention"). Nor am I "hiding" myself. Please understand: I express myself in a creative, colorful way. Generally speaking, here in California creative self-expression is not only well understood; it is respected and admired. And valued - especially in my job.

I wouldn't message the facilitator in order to confront him. I would message him non-defensively, just to bring what I suspect is the issue out into the light to be discussed and resolved.

[Marshellette]

NAMI has a clean cut, take your drugs image. I don't necessarily agree with their message. I'm not into taking the drugs I say they should take. I feel a facilitator should dress to professional standards.

Hmm. Interesting, Marshellette.

Clearly, there are some cultural differences happening here.

Anyone out there from California/New York/outside the U.S. have input? I'd sure appreciate it.

[punkybrewster6k]

Well.
I am covered on tattoos and also dress differently/colorful. And I am a really, really nice person.
There are all types of people in this world. You sound like you have a lot to offer. This reminds me of when I meet people in the winter with long sleeves and sweaters on every new person I meet thinks of me as a nice respectful, funky dressing artist. Come summer, when I wear sleeveless dresses and skirts, those same people look at me like I have 3 heads. I guess this is human nature. Everyone needs to look a certain way. We just choose to go against the flow.
I would kindly bring it up and talk it out. If not, it will really bother you forever. Not everyone works in a bank with suit and tie. Ya know?
There are plenty of people with mental illness who have our style of look and dress. You would be an asset. You would also be breaking the stereotype. Talk it over with him. Maybe you can ease any concerns he has. Ask him to be honest with you.

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[(JD)]

Sure, why not be adult and talk to the person? You might ask what you can do to help the process, or if there is anything you need to do about your appearance (to fit in better...)... that is if you are willing to change a little bit while you're "facilitating".... but there's no harm in talking, right?

punketbrewster6k ~ THANK YOU for understanding! Y'know there's all the talk about breaking stigmas with regard to mental illness, but wow...even some folks who are mentally ill will be the first ones to be stuck in a box of judgment.

JD, thanks - yeah - I feel it would be the mature thing to do by communicating with the facilitator, rather than be passive-aggressive and allow the situation to turn gangrenous, so to speak.

[Slamjammer]

Originally Posted by Marshellette

NAMI has a clean cut, take your drugs image. I don't necessarily agree with their message. I'm not into taking the drugs I say they should take. I feel a facilitator should dress to professional standards.

I pretty much agree with this. If a person aspires to a position of responsibility, it should be approached responsibly and professionally. Keep in mind, this search for a facilitator ISN'T ABOUT YOU. It's about the GROUP, and finding the best person to lead them.

See what happens when you ask for opinions? ;-)

[punkybrewster6k]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Sure, why not be adult and talk to the person? You might ask what you can do to help the process, or if there is anything you need to do about your appearance (to fit in better...)... that is if you are willing to change a little bit while you're "facilitating".... but there's no harm in talking, right?

Agreed. If its a little too much, maybe some toning down but still be you. Another thing to consider is the fact that you have been there only3 months? He may be hesitating because he has not gotten to know you for very long. Whatever the reason, find out for your your own sake.

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No, it isn't about me...but then, it is, too.

Personally, I would feel better discussing my issues with Rob Zombie than I would with Patrick Bateman. Appearances can be deceiving, y'know.

I, too, would think that the only 3 months thing would be relevant - except that when the facilitator asked for volunteers to put their names on the list for training, he just sent it around the group (some people had only attended once, or were new to the group). So anyone could have put his/her name on the sign-up sheet.

[punkybrewster6k]

I would feel better discussing my issues with Janis Joplin. Her sober of course....lol.

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I'd drive a bit west and meet Janis in 1968 right at the corner of Haight & Ashbury, find a nice little coffeehouse, and we'd chat for at least 3 hours.

Thanks, punk You rock~

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I think it would be a mistake not taking you on, because of your appearance; it probably makes you look "cool", and it's a sorta vibe with which the young ones could probably relate. Sure, some might not dig it, but I expect there's always gonna be someone who finds talking to you more comfortable, because you're more expressive? Free? I can't explain exactly what I'm thinking, but hopefully you get the gist.

I wouldn't message him, I'd talk to him in person; I'd remind him that I'm a human-being, just like everyone else. So yeah, while I do support you standing your ground, I can't help but to think it'd hold much more weight being done in person.

Best of luck.

[jadzea]

I have often found myself in situations where I absolutely knew what the other person wanted to say and did not or what they were thinking but felt they could not express. Out of my own discomfort I have faced the issue and initiated a coversation about what I knew was bothering them. Most times, I am dead wrong. They were not thinking anything close to what I thought they were and I had no need to point out my flaws or shortcomings. I say sit tight and see what happens. If you are rejected then I may say something but not before then.

Z and jad - thanks very much for your excellent input. The more I've thought this over, the more I feel like it's not about me.

[Ravynsvoid]

Well, personally, I think you should definitely discuss it with him. Like some of the others, I don't think you should bring up your "appearance" directly in the conversation however. I think it would be more beneficial to start a dialogue and simply say that your felt like he was hesitant or unsure about you being a facilitator. For what it's worth, I think they'd be missing out by not using you in this capacity. People here certainly seem to love you, and I think you have a lot of insight that would be highly beneficial to others.

Not too mention, it's always been my belief that you never take cooking advice from a skinny cook, ie I wouldn't take addiction advice from someone who's never battled addiction. It takes all sorts to help other people, and the fact is, with your personality (and in part your appearance I suppose) there's a large group of people who would respond to you better than someone who was more "clean cut", as it were. Hope this helps. Sorry if this sounds rushed or grammatically horrible, it's hard to type a message this long on a smart phone.

Ravynsvoid, thank you so much! I am deeply grateful for your post.

[MuseumGhost]

I would try to find a diplomatic but assertive way to clear the air, and get straight answers, if only to save yourself from ruminating about it.

You are definitely articulate, experienced, wise enough, and and clearly old enough to be able to do this without causing any kind of WW3.

And if he doesn't respond well, or promptly and very clearly, I would not hesitate to go right over his head.

You deserve answers. The day and age when a non-conformist hairstyle and a few piercings prevented anyone from being taken seriously on an intellectual level are LONG past.

Respectfully,

MG (((hug)))

[Ravynsvoid]

I DEFINITELY agree with MG. This isn't the 1950's anymore. We've had hippies, disco, and hair bands since then. The idea that someone's qualifications and desire to help other people is outweighed by how much metal they have above the neck is a bit ridiculous really. That kind of thinking is a bit superfluous and archaic now.

~Rav

[Slamjammer]

Ok, one last word from the more "conservative" caucus ;-)

Keeping in mind that nobody is ENTITLED to this position, and that it isn't about you...

If you really want this thing...deep in your heart...maybe you could act like you own it. By that I mean to present yourself in such a way that the "decision makers" could easily visualize YOU in the position. What do you need to change, if anything? You would know better than me; but keep in mind...you must conform to THEIR vision of a facilitator. You will not be successful if you try to redefine their vision at this time.

In any event, regardless of outcome, I wish you the very best!

[tyson1618]

Don't let it eat you inside, just contact him but be professional about it