What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me:

-Bipolar disorder
-PTSD
-Migraines
-Herniated cervical disc
-Cervical radiculopathy and at times, paralysis of my arm(s)
-Endometriosis, fibroid tumors, and continuous cysts
-Sjorgen's syndrome including severe arthritis
-Raynaud's disease
-Hypertension
-IBS
-Rape and assault survivor
-Caregiver for parents: one-stroke recovering and the other-early onset dementia
-Really hard and very stressful to find trustworthy, caring individuals to help with parents, not to mention affordable
-I do have a paying job with benefits that I am grateful for but do not enjoy in the least because it is such a struggle daily to do.
-I need to replace my car as I worry about getting places safely but am barely making ends meet.
-I am stuck in a climate that I hate, (hate is not a word I use typically but in this case is appropriate), because it is not conducive for my symptoms. As i write this I see that it is 15 below without the wind chill and starting to snow. ** Sigh **

Wow. Sorry for me having fun with this but I've never made a list. Never really seen whats there because "think positive", you know... but maybe be "nice" seeing what I'm really dealing with....

I have moderate depression with a lot of not feeling pleasure lately
I have obsessions and compulsions
I get stressed by all "minor" things
I am scared of getting the dreaded panic because it is sososo bad and leaves me raw sometimes for months
I have a lot of executive functioning issues (from asperger's and ADD)
I am addicted to Xanax
I have a very vague but never good sleep pattern (DSPS mixed with non 24)
I am currently stuck at "empty", in a neverending cycle of identity "issues"
I have gender dysphoria
I have lupus
I have Sjogren's
I have Hashimoto's
I have essential tremor
I have silent migraines
I have teeth needing fixed (and dental phobia)
I am severely myopic
I have a malformed thumb nail meaning I can just pick up things with one hand
I have "battle scars"
I am overweight borderline to what is seen as obesity
I have heartburn every day
I have bad cramps at the time of month
My best friend was diagnosed with one more lifelong illness last year
All our pets are aged (I love them sooo much!)
My rent might be increased by 60 %, finances say no, can't move, so no idea
My ISP was changed to a more expensive but worse one (only one choice in broadband)
My TV provider was changed so basic cable went from very good to not worth watching at all
I'm at minus in my finances this month because three large expenses happened at the same time, one being one of my meds that isn't covered)
A gang formed in my neighborhood so now people are getting shot and people are freaked out
Else my life is perfect!

I've been told I'm too nice. Being nice is not recognized as a good quality by many. It is perceived as a weakness. I'm working on reversing this negative trait.

I've been called too nice, before. Getting together with my exhusband helped overcome that. He didn't browbeat it out of me or anything, but he actually showed me some ropes in how to best deal with his own family. Showed how to not volunteer myself, because could work two ways. Being taken advantage of or being viewed as insincere. He wanted me to remember two things, with age differences in the geneological chart. One) though my mom was the same age as his sisters and me the same age as the nieces, renember where I fall on the hierarchy. Two) their opinions of me don't matter so don't get caught up.

And voila, no longer a negative.

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I have my share of health (physical and mental) problems, but on a less serious note I'm an inventor, but my psychiatrist says my ideas suck. I disagree. Here's what I'm currently working on:

an inflatable dart board
I'm writing a book on how to read
glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
submarine with a screen door

I love this!

-Can't remember the last time I was genuinely all-around happy and free of anxiety and worries
-Constantly going over things in my mind I have done in the past I feel ashamed of or that I have handled poorly and just feel guilty and like a failure with the whole exercise being pointless ofc
-Constantly worrying about future appointments (especially work-related) that I don't know how to handle and feel like I will fail miserably
-Poly substance abuser
-Haven't had a shag in about 6 years and that time was miserable
-Currently got a sick slip from my doc for the 6th time in a row (making me absent from work for about 6 weeks now but living in Germany and working for the type of company I have some wiggle room before things get really serious)
-Started self-medicating SSRIs (Fluoextine) in the hopes it'll give me enough energy to kick my substance abuse habit along with some perspective on live and ultimately make me feel happy (can't get a regular script due to the fact that I divulged the kinds of substances I (ab)use to my doctor who isn't willing to prescribe the SSRI on liability grounds on the off-chance I might die due to respiratory-failure because of the additive CNS effects of the substance I use; lucky me I earn well and can afford to pursue different avenues to procure the meds)
- the list goes on believe you me...

I love trains too......there's nothing more soothing than hearing that far-off train horn at 10:30 at night.

Great! I am working on building a mountain that climbs itself.

- Bipolar 1 (I think I'm more along the lines of Bipolar 2, though)
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Provisional OCD Dx
- Provisional ADHD Dx
- High cholesterol, yet underweight (yay genetics)
- I suspect borderline personality disorder
- Easily agitated/irritated
- Spend too much time in front of my laptop
- Not good at making friends

> Bipolar.
> PTSD
> 5´11 tall female.... and yet I sometimes wear heels.
> My right knee can predict rain
> I have insanely high alcohol tolerance. Slavic genes?
> Judging my recent photos and looking in the mirror, my hair has taken on it's own life. I should have a name for it, because calling a living creature "the big red thing" is disrespectful.
> I spend every weekend protesting. My record is three protests a day.
> I have about 5 blue nailpolishes.... and I am not a teenager.
> Holo or shimmer nail polish is actually my coping strategy.
> I have enough yellow and blue eye shadow to last for next few years and I plan to gradually accomodate enough to last me through life time.
> I sometimes don't wash my dishes until there are no clean ones. Then I just wash the ones I need.
> Hate flying so I rather take multiple buses, trains and or even boats to get to the destination and spend three night on the road.
> Together with my mom I own 7 cats.
> I joke about unjokable.
> My ringtone is that Maidan song about burning tires.

I worry incesantly about things that don't even affect me.

Oh my God me too.

Let's see, I don't have any official diagnoses but:

Most of the time I'm either numb or sad.
I overthink a lot of things.
I'm a hateful, envious b!tch.
I'm horribly, horribly self-hating.
I feel incompetent socially - erratic eye contact, NEVER have anything to say, often lost as to what the correct, polite reaction is. I've apparently driven people away with rudeness and "cruelty" that I didn't even realize I was doing.
I over-share online. Badly.
I've had a slew of health problems in the last month.
My thyroid is messed up and I can't see a dr about it.
My hairline is effed up and always has been, to the point where I've been mistaken for a trichotillomaniac, or asked, randomly, why I shaved the side of my head. IT'S A BIRTH DEFECT, ASSHAT (it doesn't bother me otherwise, though).

I've suffered from Aspergers or higher functioning austim all my life
I have major depressive disorder and anxiety because of it.
I am 100% disabled veteran due to shoulder, back and hip injures, Hyperparathyroidism, severe gastro issues and a host of other crap.
I am extremely introverted and could very easily live by myself with no human contact for the rest of my life....as long as I had my dog with me.