[black-roses]

I don't know if this is the right forum but I am very frustrated with life I have been a sponsor for nutrimetrics I made no money out of it to clear my debt with them because I got a kit of the value of $149 but I couldn't pay it so I had to return everything. Money and time wasted I was a consultant for arbonne I bought $500 dollars using my own centrelink loan money to buy it i was hoping that was enough to get me started in the business nope everyone considered the products expensive and I ended up losing $500 dollars of my money on ****. It was a freaking pyramid scheme if I told my psychologist all of the impulsive things I did with my money at the moment she might even think I have bipolar or that I am a masocist because I knew deep down I wasn't going to make any money off of it but I still did it because I was bored and wasting money is the only way I can make my sad pathetic life less pathetic. So, now I have paid others on the internet psychics to tell me my life is going to be good will be honest if I keep on spending my money on things that are stupid and not worthy it won't be good because I will be in dept and might even end up in jail. I think I know all of these things are stupid I am not naive deep down i knew that my friend was making excuses that he was moving so he wouldn't give me my knifes back. Deep down I also knew that the other friend who was talking to me sexual when we first met wanted to have sex with me I also knew deep down he wanted me to go to his house so I could sleep with him and maybe even deep down I knew he was going to try and coercise me to have sex with him.

Possible trigger:

Maybe I even had hoped that he would end my sad life maybe i was even hoping he would rape me and then kill me because

that is how much I am upset and I hate and blame myself for everything negative that has happened to me.

[avlady]

now you know you have to be careful with your money-a wake up call. i am in the same boat with credit cards but i need the money so bad sometimes for bills, bills bills. good luck and don't spend it all in one place!!

[black-roses]

i definitely won't thank you

[Onward2wards]

We all make mistakes, roses. You do not deserve to be treated brutally because of it. Learn from your missteps.

Black-Roses, you recognized your pattern of self destructive behavior which is good. now work on changing the circumstances that encourage those impulses and see how to avoid giving into them. Your therapist can tell you and give you support groups. It is sort of like gamblers behavior. You want to believe everything you do will work out so you grab it and go for it. (((hugs))) You sound like such a nice person, be kind to yourself because you do deserve it! blessings and tc

[black-roses]

It's just I have become so used to being brutal towards myself because everyone in my family is so harsh when I make a mistake that I am consciencously that way towards myself. I guess, I am brutal because I fear and feel people will be brutal to me so I am brutal towards myself. I guess all this silly spending is my way of showing my family that I want to get something at least from the way I feel and am being treated.

[Marla500]

Please don't give in to that-it's not your fault but your thinking is very flawed-please get help to see things correctly

[black-roses]

I don't even know how to change my thinking it's been this way for so long

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by black-roses

I don't even know how to change my thinking it's been this way for so long

You're 20, how long is "so long"?

I've gotten over self-hatred by correcting myself when I have negative thoughts. It took three years to fully get over it and I still correct myself from time to time.

[black-roses]

since i was 14 I think. Everything begun when periods begun

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by black-roses

since i was 14 I think. Everything begun when periods begun

Then that's something I've never understood. I've had severely abnormal pain which stopped once I was put on BC but I've never been emotional because of periods.

[black-roses]

True, I don't know okay the age is wrong when i was 10 i developed boobs in year 7 i had my first period I think it was one day before I turned 13. I have very bad cramps when I do it feels like I am being stabbed I had the implanon in my arm it made my skin thick and gross so I had to remove it. I have been on levlon but then I never bothered with BC because it is not like I need it anyway.

[black-roses]

Then everything got worse when I was 14 mother abandoned me the year before I developed anorexia for three months were my hair was falling out in large clamps because of my vanity towards my hair, I stopped my self torture towards myself. Now, I am more into spending money on things I don't need. I always have one addiction to something self destructive I guess that is just how I am. Very tempermental, very social isolationist. I can't help but just sit on the corner on the laptop everyday it makes me feel safe and I don't have to put up with anyone does anyone get my drift. Then I am lonely and sad about it... I don't know what I want at times it is like I am my own contradiction.