[Mindysos]

Hi:

It's 3:20 in the morning and life is hell right now. I'm stuck in a really bad marriage and he will not let me leave. I actually have no place to go to start over and am on his healthcare, so, stupid woman I sure turned out to be. (sob). He is overwhelming. I have never had depression before and now I caught it from him. I feel I have two options. One: leave, two: kill myself. It really is that bad. I am choosing option one, to leave this dysfunctional marriage. I'm scared to death because I am completely alone, alone, alone.

Being disabled has cut me off from the world like you wouldn't believe. Getting around the country in a wheelchair is just too hard. I am in a terrible situation. I have never told anyone about this ever before. My parents are dead and I have no living relatives. I am unable to push myself because of two major c-spine surgeries. My husband will not help me learn to drive. I feel like a prisoner here.

I am stuck in my chair because I have to have my spine reset. It has a long scary name : lumbar wedge osteotomy. They isert equipment in my back after breaking it in two or three places and they actually told me I might not live through surgery and also that the outcome may leave me worse and stuck in bed on pain medicine for the rest of my life. The surgery is about five hours long and very thankfully, my cardiologist said absolutely NOT! I always need clearance from a cardiologist before undergoing surgery and I have had five major surgeries over the past four years. I am chronically disabled.

I used to live in the northeast. I can't even begin to tell anyone how terribly backward it is out here. I am lucky to have two great doctors out here in ... Stubbville. I have much gratitude towards them. They have saved my life and kept me alive. My oncologist is a gorgeous person. My other Dr. is the same.

I went out looking for psychiatric help recently, and I wound up reporting the Dr. to the state medical board because of illegal activities. I could not believe what this person was doing to patients. I looked around me and saw other patients who were maybe too drugged or ill to know they were being taken advantage of. I talked to my insurance company and they just flipped and said it was my duty to report this doctor.

I am 100% certain this never would have happened in Boston or New Hampshire. I was shaking as I gave the report to the right people, but I am now scared. They will know it was me because I was the most coherent person aware enough to know it was wrong to treat patients like that.

I needed to turn to someone tonight. I just have never been so alone before. I am grateful to have a place to turn. I never in a million years would ever have risked everything and come here to write -- but I have never been this terrified, worried and sad before to turn to a group. I have never put myself out anywhere before.

I am grateful I found this place, because for me, in real life, this IS the only place I have to turn. Thanks for reading.

Signing off, Min

[healingme4me]

((((Min)))) My heart goes out to you. An oncologist on top of all your other health concerns sounds frightful. I can't not mention that there's crisis lines to call if you are in a desperate need or call emergency 911.

As far as planning to leave, do you have access to your own money and bank account? Is he physically hurting you? Do you have friends back home to reach out to or extended family? Are you familiar with emotional detachment? Sometimes even though we can't completely disconnect from a toxic environment, we can take steps that lessen the emotions involved, can be in a loving way(noted to reduce the confusion that's typical upon initial consideration of many).

I'm sorry that when you did reach out for help you experienced what you did. Were you also speaking with a counselor at the time? Who referred you to a psychiatrist in the first place?

I hope today is a little better. Please stay safe.

[guilloche]

I am so sorry for what you're going through, it sounds completely overwhelming... and to have to deal with your husband on top of that? Wow, I'm sorry.

It sounds like you see a fair number of doctors. Can you speak to any of them about your home situation? Do you think any of them could help get you to a safe place? I think that might be your best bet at getting help... and getting out. Do you ever have a chance to speak to them without your husband being there? Does he leave the house to work during the day?

The other alternatives that I can think of, offhand... if he works, could you call your local police during the day for assistance? Tell them that you have medical issues, and need help packing up a few things and transportation to a women's shelter. From there, the shelter should have resources to help.

With your physical state, would something like that be possible? I'm not sure, from what you're describing... so again... maybe your doctors are in the best position to help.

Are you in Canada (your info says Vancouver)? Don't they have some sort of universal health coverage there? I'm sorry, I don't know how the health system works up there? I'm trying to figure out if you can still get care, even if you're not on your husband's insurance.

*hugs* Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find a way to get away from your husband, and to start feeling a little better...