How Are You Feeling Right Now? #2

Still feeling pretty decent, but starting to wonder when things will go wrong. I don't generally get to feel content or more for very long and it's been a few days now that I've felt good overall. Of course, waiting for it to go bad isn't going to help, but lately the trend is that I feel good on days that I'm working, then things go bad on my days off because the plans I have for those days don't end up going as they should. I guess we'll see on Monday if I'm still feeling good then...

Murphy's Law

Very anxious. My ex and I (mostly I because I was losing my damned mind thinking about her) agreed to take a week or two off. I told her I needed to get my thoughts under control because I can't think about her without fear over losing her (or worse). It's been about a week, and I want to just tell her I miss her and I'm thinking about her, but then I get to over-analyzing that, and then it just snowballs and continues ratcheting up the anxiety and depression...

Fml...I want her in my arms so badly...*sigh*

Not sure if your talking about a female person or heroin.

Either way, you should only focus on the job at hand first.

If you're taking a break, then take a break. Make no substitute or negations. Chill

lol Not heroin. Just about as addictive, though. No, I refer only to my ex. Yeah, I realize I kind of put her up on a pedastal a bit, but I really do think she is perfect for me. I love her just the way she is, even if she doesn't love herself the way she is.

Only problem is...my potential for finding someone I can be happy with is a lot slimmer than most other people, and this is exacerbated by my own fears and issues. And I keep battling the urge to just text her to let her know I'm all right and thinking of her.

Other problem is, I literally have nothing to do all day but obsess, and I tend to obsess pretty easily.

Don't text, just call her while you're going for a walk. The increase of oxygen will fire up all your pistons, which will keep you calm.

Or

Go for the walk until you reach far enough that you just want to rest. On your way home, buy a "stick book" and rub one out.

Either way, do none of the above if you've (not accusing you) been drinking.

Sometimes I think about a stressful situation I've endured and compare it to the present. I keep seeing that regardless of what ever crazy sh it I was involved with, I'm more in control now. Sure I have my days where I think about my ex. But in all honesty we weren't good for each other.

Trust me. Go for a walk, get the book and watch TV until you sleep well and feel refreshed.

Read this sorta related stuff with obsessing. Not your typical expectation with the article

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...e-not-thinking

Yeah, but here's the thing.

That was it--the last one. You think I'm kidding? I literally have nothing to offer anyone, especially a woman. Go ahead, ask me something I could offer, and I guarantee it's a no.

No job.
No education.
No career.
No assets.
No savings.
No drive to achieve.
Nothing.

Hell, I don't even have desire anymore.

Complete and utter ennui.

Oh, and here's one more hilarious bit of icing on the cake (and yes, this is the part of me that loves to drive it like a stake through my mind over and over): I just wasted my last $100 on a dog that doesn't listen, won't take cues, and doesn't particularly like me. So not only can I not keep a girlfriend, I can't even keep a dog. lol The irony is hilarious, sorry. Probably not funny but I can't help it because it just keeps happening over and over and over.

*long sigh*

Yeah...

Edit: Sorry, this was probably thread hijacking or something, so I'll zip it.

The worst I have in awhile.

Better-ish? Let's see where it goes.

So very very confused & so many parts in my head jostling for positions to be heard! So sick of hearing them all & their positions that it’s like one big haze & I very much long for simple dark silence.

I'm both good and concerned.

Good because I had a great day with my friend despite my fear that it would go bad. It's truly amazing what something that seems so small can do for my mood.

Concerned because another "friend" (really just an acquaintance, but I don't have the heart to tell him) is being emotionally manipulative and he's definitely got some sort of major mental health issue going on, but refuses to get help or even talk to me about it, he'll just randomly post sad faces and I don't know what to say to it anymore. He'll tell me he cries a lot, sometimes while crying - says it's for no reason. Then he guilts me into talking to him, when I fail to meet his expectations he gets sadder (he even got angry once), and does really weird emotionally driven things that even I find extreme. Yet again tonight I've asked him to please consider getting some help, but all I got in reply was ":(" - I don't know what to do with that.

So overall I'm in a pretty good mood still. I think this is a personal best of so many days straight feeling well.

I really hate your sig...in a good way. lol I doubt everything, including whether or not I really even have a mental illness or whether it's some animalistic way for my rat-brain to garner attention selfishly...once those level of doubts begin, they never really go away no matter how much evidence you have the other way. Of course, only through intensive self-examination can we evoke change; however, I think I may have done a little too much self-examination and went the other way--one only has to look at my posts above to see the fear resulting from a frank self-assessment that bubbles just beneath the thin veneer of the masks I wear.

So...he's either autistic or desperately crushing on you (otherwise, why guilt you into talking to him?), most likely because you've enabled him in the past. Not your fault, and not an easy situation. Hope it works out for the best, Shadow.

As for me, a lot better since I talked to my girlfriend. She, too, has PTSD pretty bad, and my anger issues (from my own PTSD?) trigger hers, only, she shuts down. So...she was having a difficult time of telling me she needed space from my anger (which I'm working on controlling the outbursts over trivial things thereof) and it came out wrong. Thus...the break-up, only to find out she didn't really want me gone, she just needed to decompress. At the time, though, all I could feel was absolute loss and crushing fear and worse.

She knew me well-enough instinctively to send cops after me when I left because I sure walked down to the lake with the intent of putting rocks in my pockets...

Now, I just have to find a therapist to actively work on my issues. Let's see, which psychologists near me accept state-aid insurance...?

I'm feeling depressed right now.

I'm pretty content though my back is killing me.

I’m feeling aggravated.

I think he has the same disorder I do - BPD. We commonly use guilt to get attention from anyone. (I'm aware so I work on it, he is not.) He also exhibits other signs of it. He's 17 as well, I'm 29, so eww. >.< And even so, just in case I did mention to him that I could not be interested in him due to the age thing a while ago when he mentioned he gets attached to female friends more than male ones.

As for how I'm feeling today, a bit less happy I guess. Started out a good day and I got to spend time with friend again. This time though there were a couple of dickwads in one of our matches which got to me more than they should have.
Trigger warning:
For the next hour or so after that I was pretty silent, not really engaging with friend. All I could think about was how that's what guys are like and why do I want to bother? There's the rare guys like friend, but his sexuality stops anything from advancing there and it seems like the only straight single men are like those two idiots. (I don't even know that they were single either, I'm just assuming in my negative state - for all I know they suckered some poor girls into relationships with them.)

I'm still overall doing okay, and I'm trying to keep myself from thinking too much more about all of that because it will drag my mood down.

Till now, I feel awesome, though it is crazy hot right now.

Well, two people with the same issues can definitely cause unintended conflicts. And he's only 17--it's natural at that point that he be attracted to an older woman who seems more worldly. The way you describe it, I don't think it's really sexual. More of an abandonment issue, probably relating to mother, if he's chasing women. I can only speak from experience, but I have abandonment issues because my mother had to work at Chrysler to put herself through nursing school. There were other issues, too, of a sexually abusive nature going on, too. I can remember one nightmare I had as a very young child where I was sitting in the parking lot of the kmart late at night (it was open for some reason lol) and watching as my mother drove away.

As for the teammate (he was a teammate? Really??), I would have chewed his *** as soon as "Not even a little?" came out of his mouth, and then turned around and made an even bigger scene demanding his removal from the team. That's absolutely uncalled for, and that name is very inappropriate. I think you have grounds to ask the team captain to have him removed due to his sexist and mysoginistic comments and member name. If they don't remove him, I'd remove myself and find another team, or start an all-women team with a name like, Ball-Busters or something. lol

Sorry, Shadow. Not all straight guys are like that, and it sucks you have one on your team.

As for me, I'm not feeling too bad, though my neck is a bit sore. Had a bad episode of rage yesterday, but I apologized, bought a new printer...still feel bad about it, though, if I think about it too much.

I actually asked him before how his relationship with his parents were and he said it was fine, that they were loving and all that, and no childhood traumas. I tried to pinpoint where things might have gone wrong in his childhood to cause him to be like this and from what he has told me he's had a pretty "normal" life. He could just be lying to me, himself, or both of us on that front though. If that's the case, it might mean brain chemistry is solely to blame there. He does have diagnosed ADHD as well and is on meds for that, but only during the school year.

This was in Warframe, they were two pub people that had joined to farm exp with me and friend. They left after of course. I reported the one guy's name and reported the other guy for his comments. Warframe's report system sucks though, no place to add a comment in when you report, so I couldn't report the named guy for his comments as well since he only thought it was funny and didn't say it himself. Hopefully he at least gets in trouble for his name though.

Yeah, in a more reasonable state I know they're not all like that, but trying to find one has been a very frustrating process for me so it's easier sometimes to just say "they're all like that" than to admit I'm alone because of looks or personality or situations just not working. =\

I swear to you, Shadow. For about two months, I kept telling myself, Nope, not going to start trying to flirt with the ladies--like, I wanted no relationship at all because I just wanted to make sure I was...I dunno...detoxed from relationships. No loose ends to worry about. Then I met someone on here, and the rest was history. He's out there. Just be patient, and immerse yourself in your hobbies and other interests, and the next thing we'll know is you on here complaining about your boyfriend eating all the snacks in the house. :P

I appreciate the thought, but my negative side is taking over. =\ Has not been a great day so far, so I'm instantly defeating positive things atm and telling myself it's untrue. (To be fair, even when I'm in a good mood I find it hard to believe I won't die alone, which is also why such thoughts are what ultimately defeated my good mood.)

I think my good day streak officially ended. I definitely can't call this a good day. At best it's just ok - that's if I want to be super optimistic. I don't feel well, I've felt very tired and sort of sick all morning and afternoon. I feel some level of sadness in my gut if that makes sense... Like it's trying really hard to come out. Games with friend aren't going well because they're not going... Been sitting around for a while as he's trying to get someone to sell him a mod, but can't find anyone not being unreasonable. He's not gonna be on too much longer either me thinks, so the plan of farming relics for a long time isn't gonna happen. Edit: Called it. He left about 30 mins after I posted this, still unable to find anyone to trade with.

I’m kind of in pain. I twisted my leg somehow. It’s like the back of my right leg. At work I was worried they would send me home because of how I was walking. I was able to walk it out, but the pains been off and on all day. It kinda feels like my right leg isn’t as long as my left leg, so when I step it feels like my leg is crashing down on the floor. It’s weird. My doctor said to be careful with leg pain, since one of my meds causes blood clots, I’m pretty sure this happened when I was walking down the stairs. Although I don’t know how just walking down a flight of stairs I’ve walked down for 20 years can do this. Who knows.

Back to drinking rage-ahol. I have to get a new key fob for my 2006 Saab 9-3. Price for the fob and key? $20 or so off eBay. Price to have it reprogrammed by the dealer (since NO automotive locksmiths exist around here that handle Saab--of course)? $150. Current balance of all my worldly possessions? >$10, minus my car.

Pretty sure my insides look corroded as though from battery acid with the amount of cortisol I drink in on a daily basis.

And Shadow, there's a support group for that. It's called the Blue Nebula Cantina. We meet there every night. lol (Besides, farming relics is boring. I never get what I want, no matter how likely the rating is)

freaking out a little

because my post count isn't what it should be

or... it is, and I just don't remember posting the messages