Coping with Holiday Stress: What Tips Can You Offer?

This is a great idea.

The one that bothers me is the pressure to celebrate. Left alone, I would read a book and eat something I like on birthdays and holidays and hang out with my pets. When well meaning people ask how I am celebrating with my toxic family, it makes me feel depressed because telling them that we don't celebrate anything together sounds depressing and pathetic. Whe old friends ask what I'm doing, I feel like I'm letting them down by telling the truth because theu shouldn't worry about me being all alone when they should be enjoying their families. I don't mind being alone, it just feels wrong when people have expectations that everyone should do the same sort of thing. And the pressure to make special occasions positive makes me more depressed when family are rude and inconsiderate than on ordinary days. Sorry to be a damper, I should probably hang out in the depression forum today.

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Originally Posted by MrsA The one that bothers me is the pressure to celebrate. Left alone, I would read a book and eat something I like on birthdays and holidays and hang out with my pets. When well meaning people ask how I am celebrating with my toxic family, it makes me feel depressed because telling them that we don't celebrate anything together sounds depressing and pathetic. Whe old friends ask what I'm doing, I feel like I'm letting them down by telling the truth because theu shouldn't worry about me being all alone when they should be enjoying their families. I don't mind being alone, it just feels wrong when people have expectations that everyone should do the same sort of thing. And the pressure to make special occasions positive makes me more depressed when family are rude and inconsiderate than on ordinary days. Sorry to be a damper, I should probably hang out in the depression forum today.

@MrsA (((safe hugs)))

You're not a damper; what you said is wise. I feel the pressure whenever I get asked similar questions. I do get invites, but 90% of the time I choose not to accept. Why? Many reasons, but trust becomes the #1 reason. I don't trust that there will be safe roads, given the increase of drivers under the influence. I also need enough money to bow out of a potentially anxiety-ridden, toxic, or dangerous situation, such as enough money for a trip back home by myself, or enough money to pay for any incidentals, etc. If I don't have the mula for my own safety, I won't go; it's too much a risk for me to depend on someone for a ride, for instance, or to take a plane trip to see family and have to pay the extra fees to return sooner than later if necessary (which has happened to me twice), or to pay for temporary hotel expenses, etc.

Our boundaries provide us safety, although we can be too loose or too rigid at times with our boundaries, which can cause us distress. When we're worried about putting a damper on others or about what other people think, that means that our boundaries are either too loose or too rigid. When we are generally satisfied with the lifestyle we choose for ourselve, our boundaries are intact, and we're generally okay with not meeting the status quo. If, however, there's some grief and loss in wanting to celebrate and join in but not being able to do so because it is too unsafe, then there's this loneliness factor that requires some loosening of our boundaries and proactive problem-solving, but not too loose that we put ourselves at risk. It takes time to readjust to life, but that's one step in the right direction. If our boundaries are too rigid, we don't trust anyone, and we wind up feeling alone and bitter, disconnected from the good things in the world, including celebrations.

Cultural factors also come into play here. Some people are lonely or feeling unsafe because they were ritually abused, spiritually abused, religiously forced to believe in something, or misunderstood by others who celebrate for different reasons and with different religions. In such cases, healing is necessary, and boundaries can be flexible enough to establish safety, proactively find healing, and figure out what would make us happy.

I love being alone most of the time, but I also miss having the energy to hang out with others. It has to be a group of people, as opposed to just one other person, and I have to feel safe. --Those are my boundaries, and sometimes life meets my needs within those boundaries, and sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I've found ways to enjoy my alone time, including online here.

Don't feel obligated by anyone to celebrate the holidays. Just know that people are have different likes, wishes, beliefs, cultures, etc., but that doesn't mean that we all cannot appreciate one another without having the need to participate.

I like you just the same - no matter what your preferences are.

Your holidays sound like mine. It’s just my H and our pets.

Perfect advice

I completely understand this. I also enjoy just reading or watching movies and curling up with my pets. It annoys and frustrates me when people ask me about my plans because I know they judge my quiet simple plans as pathetic. I can see it in their face even if they don’t say anything. I’ve started telling people either I don’t know what my plans are or letting them assume I had big plans if that’s what they want to assume.

@Lilly2

Thank you so much for starting this thread. I look forward to our positive and fun holiday discussions here. I look forward to spending the holidays with you and everyone else here at PC.

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Originally Posted by LilyMop @Lilly2 Thank you so much for starting this thread. I look forward to our positive and fun holiday threads here. I look forward to spending the holidays with you and everyone else here at PC.

I look forward to spending the holidays with you, too, @LilyMop

I also look forward to reading your posts/threads!

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