[Fuzzybear]

I was wondering whether people here feel that they are kind and patient for the most part, or are working on that. And how does that “work” or sometimes maybe not “work” as well with your personal boundaries. Sorry if I haven’t explained that very well. I am also trying to work on my “conversation skills” etc

Hugs to all

[Have Hope]

I find I am *too* kind to a fault. I have been told in the past by someone that I am far "too nice", which ultimately means that ppl feel they can trample on me, take advantage of me, and abuse me. I've also struggled with boundaries and have allowed some people to cross my boundaries, which then only just hurts me in the end. I am working on both these issues. Guess I'm too much of a people pleaser, and that's most of my problem. I want to not be so nice.... I wish I could be more of a big you know what, but it's not in my nature. For example, at our work Christmas party, we had a company-wide gift game and gift exchange where you're allowed to literally steal a person's opened gift, if you want it. Well, a woman who is above me in seniority opened a humungous life-sized adorable fluffy teddy bear, and I wanted it. But she sat on the couch, embracing her bear, and I couldn't stand the thought of taking it away from her, even though I was completely allowed to do so. So I opened a gift and ended up not happy with it, and then was upset with myself for not stealing the bear away. I was far too nice and far too kind. That's my problem. Most ppl in that room would have taken the bear.

[Mendingmysoul]

I am a people pleaser since my childhood. People have walked over my boundaries all the time.As a child I was helpless,and brain washed and programmed to be people pleaser.My day started and ended with servitude. Friends and relatives took long vacations to our parents household I became the host as a child while adults enjoyed themselves. Even some of those so called nice friends of my dad are not even nice to me .They were predators. Now I try to enforce some boundaries. Like recently I had to visit a funeral with my parents.I was getting dressed in my room.My mom comes and whispers I should wear something else.Her suggestions were inappropriate for the occasion. I said no,she yelled at me immediately, Omg,you are so against cultural norms.You always were like that,blah ,blah..........Some people were sitting in the living room.They must be thinking I was the one dressing inappropriate and my mom was correcting me.In reality I was dressed for a funeral and her whispering suggestion was to dress like a party goer.How to enforce boundaries with such toxic people and how to stand your ground.I do try hard now to do that.

[Fuzzybear]

I am mostly like this too... I don’t know how to even change it. . I used to cry when they played “the ugly duckling” in kindergarten when I was 4 years old. I already related to that unloved but sweet and actually beautiful but deeply misunderstood creature but I never hurt anyone on purpose and never tried to “steal friends” etc, as so many in that school did to me.. I still find it very distasteful when people try to steal gifts from others but being a people pleaser since before I remember, it’s hard to change that .. So yes basically I too am “too” kind, to a fault.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I find I am *too* kind to a fault. I have been told in the past by someone that I am far "too nice", which ultimately means that ppl feel they can trample on me, take advantage of me, and abuse me. I've also struggled with boundaries and have allowed some people to cross my boundaries, which then only just hurts me in the end. I am working on both these issues. Guess I'm too much of a people pleaser, and that's most of my problem. I want to not be so nice.... I wish I could be more of a big you know what, but it's not in my nature. For example, at our work Christmas party, we had a company-wide gift game and gift exchange where you're allowed to literally steal a person's opened gift, if you want it. Well, a woman who is above me in seniority opened a humungous life-sized adorable fluffy teddy bear, and I wanted it. But she sat on the couch, embracing her bear, and I couldn't stand the thought of taking it away from her, even though I was completely allowed to do so. So I opened a gift and ended up not happy with it, and then was upset with myself for not stealing the bear away. I was far too nice and far too kind. That's my problem. Most ppl in that room would have taken the bear.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I am a people pleaser since my childhood. People have walked over my boundaries all the time.As a child I was helpless,and brain washed and programmed to be people pleaser.My day started and ended with servitude. Friends and relatives took long vacations to our parents household I became the host as a child while adults enjoyed themselves. Even some of those so called nice friends of my dad are not even nice to me .They were predators. Now I try to enforce some boundaries. Like recently I had to visit a funeral with my parents.I was getting dressed in my room.My mom comes and whispers I should wear something else.Her suggestions were inappropriate for the occasion. I said no,she yelled at me immediately, Omg,you are so against cultural norms.You always were like that,blah ,blah..........Some people were sitting in the living room.They must be thinking I was the one dressing inappropriate and my mom was correcting me.In reality I was dressed for a funeral and her whispering suggestion was to dress like a party goer.How to enforce boundaries with such toxic people and how to stand your ground.I do try hard now to do that.

I’m sorry you went through all that . My FOO (family of origin) were and are very toxic. It’s very hard for me to open up about that . I have usually come across to most casual observers, or even others as “a very quiet person” and also I am a ‘people pleaser” . So yes, I have been ideal fodder for too many abusers. . I will never forgot that horrible horrible man who abused me in my own house as a newly wed . He had put me up when I had nowhere to live despite having extremely affluent and apparently “intelligent’ parental units.. I was still a cub inside and was even chronologically “too young” to be abandoned in such a callous way. If the parental units had believed in some sort of “tough love” potentially being “transformative in a postive way” ... well ... I do have a lot of empathy for others which the rest of the “family” do not . So possibly it was “transformative” but not in the way they may have intended. But mostly they could not be bothered with me (and that started when I was born ) tmi. I don’t know why I’m sharing this

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I am mostly like this too... I don’t know how to even change it. . I used to cry when they played “the ugly duckling” in kindergarten when I was 4 years old. I already related to that unloved but sweet and actually beautiful but deeply misunderstood creature but I never hurt anyone on purpose and never tried to “steal friends” etc, as so many in that school did to me.. I still find it very distasteful when people try to steal gifts from others but being a people pleaser since before I remember, it’s hard to change that .. So yes basically I too am “too” kind, to a fault.

Oohh, Fuzzy, I can so relate. I think there's a balance that can be found between being kind to others, and also protecting one's personal boundaries. Like when someone crosses a boundary, something can be said.. if nothing is said, then it becomes acceptable. When we protest, and say to the person, that was rude, or that was mean and uncalled for, then we're standing up for ourselves and are protecting ourselves from harm. It' s not easy in this world to have to say things like that, but sometimes, or even often, it's necessary so that others don't trample on us or our self-esteem. Hugs to you. We learn we learn we learn.... and we grow.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Oohh, Fuzzy, I can so relate. I think there's a balance that can be found between being kind to others, and also protecting one's personal boundaries. Like when someone crosses a boundary, something can be said.. if nothing is said, then it becomes acceptable. When we protest, and say to the person, that was rude, or that was mean and uncalled for, then we're standing up for ourselves and are protecting ourselves from harm. It' s not easy in this world to have to say things like that, but sometimes, or even often, it's necessary so that others don't trample on us or our self-esteem. Hugs to you. We learn we learn we learn.... and we grow.

Thanks Have Hope, I am also trying to work on this

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks Have Hope, I am also trying to work on this

Me too!!! In the same boat. We're a work in progress... always and throughout our lives.

[Mendingmysoul]

I too don't share much with IRL people.Here I share some and I feel ok.You can also share and get some relief. It really feels like so much unwanted baggage that we carry around.Not our fault.Let the fault go where it belongs.It belongs with the abusers.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

I too don't share much with IRL people.Here I share some and I feel ok.You can also share and get some relief. It really feels like so much unwanted baggage that we carry around.Not our fault.Let the fault go where it belongs.It belongs with the abusers.

Thanks Mending, I agree, the unwanted baggage and the fault belongs with the abusers.

[downandlonely]

I have issues with being too nice and setting boundaries too. I particularly have trouble saying no when men want sex, so I have stopped having them over or putting myself in a position where something might happen. I'm still working on saying no when I don't want to do something.

[bpcyclist]

I was always the kid who stood up for the disabled kids and small kids and awkward kids when they were taunted and made fun of by the jocks. I went into surgery not because I wanted to help people but because I wanted to take care of people. It has caused me great heartache, but at least I know who I am.