It shows how different my sister and I are from each other

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It sounds like your sister is toxic to your well-being on every level. How did you cope during the last 5 years of your parents' lives with your sister's behavior against you?

I did consult with an attorney who actually has active cases of siblings fighting each other over their parent's estates at the memory care nursing home where our mother currently resides. He is affordable and reputable. However, I told him I would not be filing anything against my sister unless I'm 100% certain that I need to.

Like your sister, my sister has 100% control of our mother's finances. I have no doubt she is pilfering our mother's left over money into her checking account after the county takes out the amount that the elderly waiver requires, and spends it on herself and her family.

In fact, it would explain how she had her car's engine entirely replaced (which cost her $5K) and how she was able to afford to fly abroad for 8 days to visit her daughter. There is no way she could have done that on her salary alone esp. since her husband works part-time and they have two other teenagers.

When our mother eventually passes away, I don't expect to get anything from the will, as far as an inheritance or portion of our mother's life insurance. I'm not going to count on it. What I will count on, is that my sister and brother split our mother's life insurance money between themselves after our mother's funeral costs are paid for. They're both very selfish, so I would be shocked if I received anything. It makes me nauseous to think about.

I dread the wake/funeral too, bc it will consist of the two of them leaving me out of the planning. I don't even think my sister will call me to let me know when our mother passes away (she is the one who memory care will contact when that happens).

When I think about it, I worry that it will be an extremely awkward and terrible experience for me, b/c instead of being able to normally grieve for the loss of my mother, I'll be faced with two toxic siblings who will likely gaslight me at our mother's wake/funeral as they are want to do. I'll be either completely left out and no one will talk to me there, or I'l be the target of everyone's "ire" b/c of years of their trash-talking about me with family. I don't have a very positive outlook for that day. I dread it, actually. It's going to be hell, for me, emotionally.

Reading your story Open Eyes about your own toxic sister, reminded me that I'm not alone, so I appreciate the fact that you posted your own personal experience with toxic siblings on my thread about my toxic sister (and brother).

I also agree with you that the hardest lessons that we learn in our lives usually come from our close family members who mistreat us. How were you able to 100% estrange yourself without letting the grief attached to the loss of the relationship (albeit toxic) not ruin your life?

I already suffer from pre-loss grief regarding our mother who is in memory care, which is why i think i feel physically and emotionally exhausted. Add the grief I am experiencing now about the loss of the idealized relationship that I had wanted with my sister, yet never got....let's just say I had a bunch of blood tests recently done for my physical and the results show my body is low in vitamins and minerals and even my thyroid levels are really low.

And it also doesn't help that I'm also going through menopause, finally, which is when your hormonal levels and cortisol levels go bonkers while your body adjusts to being "old."

My whole body is reacting to the grief I feel.

I emailed my professor today to say that I was too sick to attend today's class which is true. I think self-care qualifies as a justifiable reason to set aside daily responsibilities when you just need to rest and take care of yourself? So, I gave myself permission to spend the weekend doing nothing but sleep and catch up on homework.

I just need to make it to Monday and get my homework done. I plan to take a lot of baths, nap, drink tea, and journal to help me process everything. Easier said than done, of course. I think on some level, I knew this day was coming.

My sister and I were never close. It's been that way our entire lives. Why was I so delusional? Why did I waste so much time trying to get her to like me? When I think of how much better my life would be, had I left home at 18 and never spoke to my mother and siblings again I regret not doing that. I didn't give myself permission to set that boundary with them then. I wish I had known then, what I know now.

I am so sad.

I hope that I can find those people who understand and will treat me with grace, instead of judgment, Sarah Sweets. That's what I need. Friends who except me despite my toxic family. That would be amazing to build that community of supportive friends around me

Oh, dear Motts, ((((massive sympathetic huggggs))))

I am sad to read these things. It brings back so much for me, what I endured for years at the hands of not only my sister, but also another narcissist, my step-monster. I had nowhere to turn, because my depression was so bad, I literally could not think well enough to form any kind of plan to defend myself on any level, especially legally.

Do not bring regret on yourself, on top of everything else.

I would gently suggest that if you are thinking of taking legal action to protect what's left of your mother's finances, you do it without hesitation. Firstly, because I'm certain that IF she is utilizing your mom's money for her own selfish reasons, she is ALREADY guilty of elder abuse. The law is clear on this, and I believe it is the same right across North America. It should be relatively easy to do while your mom is still well enough to answer basic questions. Because no one sibling should be in sole charge of a parent's finances. It's patently unethical.

Secondly, you need to read-up on narcissistic behaviour, even if you take it on just a little at a time. It will immediately begin to help protect you from your sister's petty little attempts to devalue you and make matters far worse. The longer she does this without you being able to defend yourself, the more damage it does to your health & well-being. Even if her little games seem trivial and small, she is still attacking you. Trust me! It's time for you to arm yourself, and get serious about how these people operate.

My sister has used mirroring (dressing like me, talking like me, reading the same books, watching the same TV shows, even 'agreeing' with me or defending me in front of other people---all for show, basically) to gain my natural tendency to be very compassionate, non-judgemental, and forgiving, so that she can then later turn around and devalue me by twisting a situation yet again. She's done this over and over, literally hundreds of times (among other little tricks in her arsenal). I became deeply frustrated trying to figure out what her problem with me was. But over time, I saw her do it to other people. I started putting 2+2 together a little more, every time her mask slipped. It was a powerful weapon that she used skillfully for years, but it certainly wasn't the only one. The purple clothing thing could possibly be something like that.

My sister (and my step-monster) used the Appearing-to-be-generous-gift-bestowing-trick on me many, many times through the years. It was one of the weirder ammunitions they periodically chose. They would invariably make a big show out of the "gift", always in front of other people, or even more insidiously, while alone with me, to convince me they paid attention to my likes and dislikes; which of course served to make them appear tuned-in and sensitive. But the "gift" almost always was a double-edged sword, in the figurative sense. It would be something that could be taken as insulting, when I gave it some thought. Once, my sister gave me a set of little liquid shower soaps from a gift shop she knew I liked a great deal. She had made a note of the fragrances that I told her always reminded me of a great love I had when I was younger (she also knew this person had broken my heart very badly, and used me quite atrociously). She knew damn well that this would rattle me, showering with these fragranced soaps. It was like she was saying, To hell with you and all your tender, wounded feelings. She smiled, even as she twisted the knife.

I could not figure out her intentions or motivations, because nothing in NORMAL psychology had prepared me for this, and other little stunts (which she used, like mirroring, continually through my relationship with her). She (and step-monster) literally perfected it over time, always coming out smelling like a rose, to those looking-on. But the pain they caused me was powerful, and lasting---to say nothing of the TIME I wasted trying to "figure them out".

It was akin to a slow death by a thousand cuts.

From everything you've written, I have no doubt your sister is an undiagnosed narcissist in the clinical sense. Please, don't wait another year trying to figure her out! My sister and step-monster both played the long game with me, and it damaged me unnecessarily, and it cost me a great deal emotionally. I am stronger for the experience, but it really did some harm. Save yourself in every way by becoming savvy about this situation.

Some resources for you:

9 Tips, Tools, and Strategies for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

12 Survival Tips for Living with a Narcissist (because we can't choose our family; we're stuck with them)

Free Support Group | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Online

From these links, you should be able to journey on and find more assistance for your situation.

I wish you all the best. Please do always remember, you are the owner of your psyche. You are the only one who can truly defend it.

Thank you so much for your post, Museum Ghost. Again, you have demonstrated precisely why this community is so helpful to people. We can find others here, who have gone through and experienced what we've experienced making this place a true community in every sense of the word.

Your stories about what you were forced to endure at the hands of your sister (the scented soaps that she gave to you to twist the knife in your back metaphorically, to remind you of the pain from a former love who also bought you those scented soaps is EXACTLY the same type of behavior I've experienced from my sister too; wearing the same color clothes as me, the Jekyll and Hyde act in public and private. Reading your post even reminded me of MORE events in the past that I had forgotten about, that are precise examples of narcissistic abuse.

And your examples that you provided (I am very sorry that you also experienced narcissistic abuse by your sister and step mother) are great illustrations of narcissistic abuse.

I also believe like you do, that my sister is an undiagnosed narcissist. When my family did therapy after my father's death, the family therapist hinted at such a diagnosis with my sister in front of her. Yet, my family quit the therapy 6 weeks, when their true selves had started to become exposed through the discussions with the family therapist. She finally saw what I had described and started to try to hold my family accountable. Well, they didn't like that so the three of them quit and conveniently blamed me the family scapegoat. A bunch of rotten apples that I was too emotionally codependent and enmeshed with to have the foresight and strength to leave behind. And believe me, I had opportunities to do that, when they and I each moved out of our state away from each other at different times. I remember when my sister and mother moved out of state together. I felt temporarily free. And this was before social media. It was never permanent for many reasons.

Thank you for sharing your own life experience with me here. I feel better hearing from everyone who has shared with me about their narcissistic experiences here. And thank you for those links. I've been trying to tackle it in too large of chunks. I need to find a therapist who has a background in narcissism, who can help me develop boundary strategies to use with my sister like the boundary examples that you pointed out with your own situation. And, I need to learn to recognize the ways my sister emotionally abuses me in real time, instead of after-the-fact.

Again, thank you for your post.

I can't begin to express how sorry I am that you're having to deal with these issues. They are very damaging and loaded with multiple emotional effects.

It takes time to heal after having been exposed to this kind of treatment for so long. Give yourself that gift of time, and be gentle with yourself. It is time to become your own best friend.

Please know, too, that the experience of your family not supporting you, but rather enabling your sister, is precisely what happens in many many cases, according to what I have read. It is a tragic thing that you all had access to counselling, and that it wasn't given the chance to go very far. My family closed ranks on me in a different way; but it had a deleterious effect on practically ALL of my dealings with family, after that, and caused me untold grief, and pain on top of pain. You have my complete sympathy.

A wise, and much-beloved aunt-in-law once shared with me (a few years too late to really help, but it was validating) that confiding in, or expecting help from our immediate family is usually a dead end. It can even backfire on us, and badly. I think it's mainly because there are unacknowledged and/or unresolvable dysfunctions that are so very deeply enmeshed in the fabric of interactions, that they can never be resolved---and people experience some profound and painful dissonance around it. Just my theory. Whenever I tried to broach difficult subjects within my own immediate family, I was usually told I was either "too sensitive", or "paranoid", neither of which were true or helpful. Indeed, being told these things, simply compounded the damage. My concerns, throughout my whole life, were almost always dismissed out of hand. I don't know why I thought perhaps that would change when I was an adult of some years.

We learn as we go.

So I am really sympathetic to people who are never heard, never heeded within the family arena. That of course extends to any relationship where they might feel invisible.

I do feel like I could write a book about what it was like growing up with a narcissist for a sister. And then to slowly realize that the woman my Dad took up with after my mother's passing, shared the exact same kind of psychopathy as my sister, BUT WORSE!!...yes, I could probably also pen a screenplay for a movie. But it would be a sad one, with lots and lots of damage done, and still much repair work needed for my life. I do have a way to go, yet.

You're on your way to healing. All those other people do not matter now; not as much as you finding the comfort and the validation you have been deprived of for so long. And it cannot be overstated: It can take a while to wrap our heads around the different aspects of this pathology. Give yourself the time to do that.

I also wanted to say, it's taken me time and continual re-education, and re-enforcement, to develop my boundary-building skills. I am still working on maintaining them, as I have a tendency to want to wrap my arms around the world, forgive everybody who seems to be struggling (and I do know, my sister does struggle with this), and try and be as kind as I possibly can. But I have learned the hard way that my sister will never respond positively to this, either. Not directness, or hardness, nor extreme and continual kindness will ever touch her conscience (not enough to make a difference). It is the way she is wired, and this, too, took me YEARS to realize.

Yeah, boundaries. Believe me, you'll need them.

You seem intelligent and kind. You'll be able to do this. I LOVE the idea of discussing it with a therapist!!! That will probably help more than anything else. You'll be out there ahead of me in no time.

Clearly, you and I are very, very different people to our sisters. And I, for one, am very glad of that fact.

Stay kind!

P.S.: You can message me, either publicly or privately, any time. I'm not here every day, and sometimes I am off the Forum for longer (when I'm either very very busy or feeling pretty low)---but I will certainly always reply as soon as possible.

Thinking of you, and sending good thoughts!