Brother Is Gone

I'm so glad that you've gotten the answers you were looking for. I'm sure that the grieving process will take some time. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Mary Alice

I found out yesterday, that my niece has had my brother cremated, because she couldn't afford a funeral/burial. She plans on scattering his remains on a clubhouse that is on the property where he lived (townhouse). A memorial service is planned on the 8th next month and then she is going to do this.

Am I the only one that thinks this is disrespectful of my brother's remains? A clubhouse??? There was no obit in the paper, no nothing. It's like he never existed. The wound is so open.

Mary Alice

That depends entirely on what was important to him. If that club house was important to him then it's not disrespectful at all.

I guess the term "clubhouse" makes me think of a lounge, bar area. Maybe I am wrong. If it was to be done by the water, or something like that, it would be different. I just think she did it to save the money and without regards to anyone else. I'm sure my parents would have helped had they been consulted.

Perhaps it shouldn't even bother me. Am I making too much out of this?

Mary Alice

(planningtolive))))))))))))))))))) Im glad you have found more out. Still sorry you have lost your brother. My thoughts are still with you.
Your niece is his daughter? If so it could i was thinking maybe that was your brothers fav place. If that is what your brother would have likes its not disrespect at all I know thou it can be hard on you.
it all depends on what he wanted.
my prayers are with you ..please know i care

I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but in my opinion what you are doing is directing your frustration/anger (a natural step in the grieving process) at your niece right now.

Also, disrespect is relative. My mother in law died a couple of years ago. She had always been very clear with her final wishes. Cremated, absolutely no showing, memorial service at the town hall, burial at the local cemetary.

Upon her death, we all got together to make the arrangements. There were five children, my husband being right in the middle. He and I had been together 25 years at that point, his younger brother (next in birth order) and his wife had been together for 20 years. The oldest child's husband of a whopping year was the loudest during the plans. He didn't even know the woman!

He decided she would have an open casket funeral, in a church etc etc etc. We won the battle of the open casket as even the quiet second child refused to go to the funeral until after the casket was closed as her mother made her distaste for this clearly known. It was a beautiful service, however I felt it was extremely disrespectful to defy her last wishes by having the ceremony in the church, given by a priest she held in utter contempt.

{{{{{{{muffy, AAAAA}}}}}}} thank you.

Yes, I am angry. Beyond that actually. I just want to slap her and I am not a violent person. Perhaps this is why my doctor told me in an email he wants to discuss this at my next appt. (I had to cancel my last one just last week).

All I know is that the anger is outweighing anything else. I think you are right, AAAAA, it is being directed at her for not a good reason. Give me something to think about.

Sorry for dragging this on.

Mary Alice

(((((((PlanningtoLive))))))))))) losing someone is one of the hardest things in life.
I know with my parents hospice gave me a list of things i would go threw. Yes anger was on that list.
As with everyone ...everyone reacts differently. I agree with ((AAAAA)))
I want you to know slapping her will not bring back your brother. and prolly you will feel worse ((((big hug)))))))))))))))))
((((((planningtolive)))))))))))))))))))))))
Sorry to bring me into this .its the only way i know how ..hope its ok..
when my parents passed on. I followed thier direction all the way.
I did not want them buried back home. They were cremated. I would have liked them here. That was not thier wish thou.
If this was indeed what your brother wanted your niece did good by him.
praying for you kind one as i know you are kind
my prayers are with you
((((planningtolive))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

muffy thank you.

Mary Alice

(((Planning))) You are not dragging anything on, if we knew each other irl, you would have heard the story a million times already about how my father went in for a pacemaker. The surgeon/cardiologist was not his specialist and did not like being told what to do therefore he installed a pacemaker, but one without a defibulator because they were "for people at risk of dropping dead of a heart attack and that was NOT him". He dropped dead of a heart attack less than two weeks later. It's now been five years and that is STILL a thorn in my side. I'm gratefull he died quickly rather than in inches. Had he survived that last heart attack he would have given up on life because he would have never been able to return to his job, which defined him. Not to mention I firmly believe when it's your time, it's your time.

Right now it's easy to direct your anger and frustration at your niece. She's an easy target. But before you do something you regret, please remember she's grieving as well. It sounds very much like she's on her own with all of these arrangements and she's probably angry about that herself. In life we do the best we can, and sometimes that just has to be good enough.

My mantra is ... grant me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept those I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

{{{{{{AAAAA}}}}}}}} I'm sorry about your father.

I have to try and realize that my brother did some awful things to his daughter, and she left home when she was 12, never to return. I know she tried to not have any contact with him because of it. My family and I were estranged from him - it's just a bad situation all around.

I tried telling her she wasn't alone, that I was available for whatever she needed, but to no avail. It's hard at any age, let alone at 19, to handle all this and pacify me.

I'm working on this, hopefully in the right direction this time.

Mary Alice

(PlanningtoLive))))))))))) your very much welcome
my prayers are with you always

Just thought I'd update. My parents received the coroner's report by mail and my brother died from drinking rubbing alcohol and other complications caused by alcoholism. I can only imagine how bad it must have been that he had to drink that stuff.

It still hurts.

Mary Alice

((((((( Mary Alice ))))))))

I'm sorry. Thanks for the update. I don't know what to say. I wish there were some way to make it better somehow, but I know there isn't.

{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}} thank you.

Mary Alice