[candragabel]

I have a friend that passed a couple weeks ago due to suicide. I grew up with her and looked at her and loved her like a sister. I have known her for the better part of 20 years. She was found in her home by her fiance and is survived by her two children.

I am really struggeling with this loss. I have experienced death before. I have had family and friends fall to illness, age, accident and even had their lives taken by another hand. I was always able to find an answer to these losses, I was always able to find closure and make peace with it, remember happy times and move forward with my life. With this loss I feel lost in the wind.

When my friend was found there was no note. No one near her in the days leading to her death noticed anything out of the ordinary to cause concern. She behaved as she always had. Even had a phone conversation making plans to catch a movie the weekend after the Thanksgiving holiday with her father not 30 minutes before she was picked up by the coriner.

I cannot make sense of why she would have chose to end her life. It was her decision to make however I cannot see it. I cannot answer the questions I have and I have no one to lean on (it seems to me anyway) to help me find the peace I need.

I cannot make sense of the emotions I am experiencing. The people in my life are used to me being the rock, they would not be able to carry the burden of my feelings so I keep them to myself and hope for the best. I feel confused, guilty for not having been around more in the past few years, hopeful that she is happy wherever she is now and I am angry at her for not atleast leacing something behind to explain why this was the decision she felt had to be made. I view suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I cannot believe that a mother with two young children (6yr and -2yr) would leave her children for any reason. I am a mother that solely depends on myself for my children's upbringing even though I am married. I know that when all else fails I am the only one to do the job. I cannot think of even one thing that would bring me to leave my family like that. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I have been trying to find someone to lean on hoever no one understands how I feel, or they just won't let me talk about it. I feel like my back is against a wall and will just have to carry these emotions in the pit of my stomach for the rest of my life. I feel I need to get them out, be able to cry in order to allow the pain to heal.

I am not a psychologist so I don't know how necissary it is for people to let their feelings out, I just feel that it would be helpful because I do not like feeling tortured by a ghost so to speak.

[cantstopcrying]

Oh sweety I am so sorry. I am there with you 100% in your questions and pain. I was engaged to a man for 10 years--we had been broken up for about a year--he was the only father my two girls (17 and 15) knew. He committed suicide on November 9th just three miles from our house. The questions, the images, the anger, the pain--it's all there. Why. That's a huge one. I can't answer that for me and obviously not for you, but I can tell you that you need to let it out. I know the "being a rock" part all too well, but we have to mourn, whether anyone sees us or not, and it's ok to let people see you. I try to not let my girls see me cry now, a month later, but sometimes I can't help it. You cannot keep these feelings and emotions and questions bottled up. Sweety, you will never know why, never know the pain she must have had inside. My girls constantly ask me, "why didn't he think of us?"...my only answer to them is that I'm sure he did think of them and thought that he didn't want to hurt them by, in his view, continueing to mess up and let them down. Maybe she didn't want her kids to see her hurting as much as she was, maybe she was afraid, maybe maybe maybe forever with no answers. The only answer I have to the why question is to escape the pain. There must have been some huge pain. Please know that you can message me anytime you want to let it out. Let it out here on the boards or message me. I am so sorry for the feelings you are going through right now.

[*freak*]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Candragabel. I think you should definitely find a way to talk to someone and tell them how you feel, what you're thinking and how much you're hurting. If you can't find anybody among those you know, you can always post here or you can consider looking for a therapist...

Take very good care of yourself

[mysterytour]

i am so sorry for the loss of your friend........suicide leaves us feeling so empty especially when we can not fathom the reason for it......she must have been fighting a battle inside herself that she just could not win.......perhaps you can find a bereavement support group.....some deal just with suicide.......but know that you can come here and people will listen......

[lynn P.]

I'm very sorry for your loss and you're right, you do need to talk abou your feelings - this is a good place to talk. It's normal to feel many different emotions and it's natural to want to understand why someone makes this decision. Unfortunatley we can't always find the right answers - we can never know what went through their minds. I lost my brother to suicide a year and 8 months ago and I went through many different emotions. I also lost a friend when I was 18 - to suicide.

I understand what you said about being a mom and never considering the possibility. I'm a mother, the sole saregiver as well and I could never imagine leaving them. But we need to realize that they must have been very sick and not thinking logically so they were incapable of making good decisions. When it first happened to my brother, at first I didm't want t believe it and I thought maybe someone killed him. Has that occured to you since there wasn't a note? You can also PM me if you would like to talk. It's good to talk about your feelings but sometimes we can never understand why - we would need to be in their shoes to understand that. I hope you feel better.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

Sorry to hear bout ur friend. Dunno what I'd do if my childhood friend killed herself.