[eskielover]

I am wondering why I have not experienced the feeling of grief & why can't I find the good memories in my mind to put into the memory of my Mother like others do of their families. It has been 4 months since my Mother died. I was in the medical hospital at the time she died but had been with her just 2 hours before that. That period of time is a black hole in my life. I was totally exhausted after spending 24 hrs / day with my Mother, then trying to protect her & myself from the home care RN that stole her ID & abused her by OD'ing her along with the many other horrible things she did in 5 days. Knowing during that time that my mother only had limited time left. Before my mother could no longer talk, she was constantly bombarding me with the question of when she was going to get better...I mean really....the only answer I could provide was that is wasn't in our hands anymore. The talk I had with her doctor when I could finally corner him only reinforced what I already knew about her illness, however he never would admit that her cancer had spread. I made a big mistake with her care & I know that somewhere inside, I am blaming myself for letting that RN into our lives but for the life of me, I just don't know how I would have done anything different given the same things happening. I should have been tougher with my Mother, but didn't want to take her dignity away. I feel that I was trapped into my dicision.

I should be looking back & having good memories of my mother but I'm not...the past was rocky & she was always taking things so personally & getting bent out of shape at the littelist thing & wouldn't talk to me for a while until she got over what ever was bugging her. My psychologist has reminded me that she never was supportive of me during my really bad times that I was seeing this psychologist 8 yrs ago....during my many suicide attempts...of course, maybe my Mother was keeping her distance at the time because she didn't know how to deal with me either....but she was always into herself even when I was a child....not at all how she was with my daughter....maybe she learned something.

At the end of her life, I really don't have any good memories except for the few days when we were eating breakfast together. The whole end of Nov, Dec, & first days of Jan were all caught up in the ID theft, abuse, & the nightmere that I lived through because she just had to be in her home & wouldn't let me be part of the decision making process when she was in the hospital during Nov. I look back & resent the fact that because she had her way, I ended up having to live through & deal with the trauma & being accused of her abuse & file police reports. I ended so exhausted, had so much fear, & was so stressed by the whole thing that I ended up in the medical hospital on a feeding IV, so dehydrated, anemic & mal nurished that I had to plan her memorial service & funeral from the hospital. I had my daughter mad at me because I didn't have a big funeral like we had for my Father at the church....I had my reasons. I couldn't deal with my Mothers boyfriend or his daughter or the pastor of her church & know if I had the funeral at the church, they would be there & they were closely involved with the RN....no way could I put myself in that position, so I protected myself by having only close friends & family at the graveside funeral....I had a good friend of mine sing most of the service & the pastor from my church do the service. I had left the hospital AMA to avoid being put on a 72 hr hold in order to be at the funeral, but don't remember anything about it except waking up that morning not knowing where I was & not knowing what was going on....that is pretty much how this whole period went & what memories I have of my Mother are holding her responsible for what happened...even her cancer was her responsibility because like her surgeon said, she didn't give us much to work with when she came to us...she was already at stage IV cancer...it doesn't get much worse than that....she said she realized the problem 4 months before doing something about it....that had to be impossible because the tumor was the size of my fist at the first appointment....was she in denial, why didn't she realize the problem when it could have been taken care of...how our decisions really effect even the end of our lives without it really being suicide or was it....why would anyone want that kind of suffering in their life....I can remember the pain she was in & the fact that she wouldn't even talk to me about what was happening to her...she kept saying that God would answer the prayers of the church people & hers so that she would get better....I kept telling her that the answer might not be what she really expected. Why was I in the position to be grounded in reality but that has always been me. How could she not know what was happening to her, how hard it is to comfort someone that you know is dying.

I have been reading a book on grief & have put down about 1/2 page of term that are related to grief. I decided to write down what I feel regarding the word & they all relate to dealing with the trauma & nothing except anger at my Mother for being stupid. Unfortunately, that is a trait I have seen throughout her life & I feel guilty realizing that it is the way I perceive my Mother & has been the way I have seen both of my parents most of my life. I am also angry that because of the decisions she make, I am still struggling with the trauma, having nightmeres, flash backs & dealing with experiences that have been defined as depersonalization. How could she do something that messed me up so much. This is making no sense in my mind....only to make me more confused about the whole subject of grief.

Sorry for the rambling, but thoughts are flashing while struggling with my emotions,
Debbie

[darkeyes]

Debbie,
There is a lot of truth to what ozzie just replied with.
I'd like to add to this, grieving comes in various stages but not always in the same order, or for some, maybe not all.
Shortly after my dad passed away, I told my pdoc that I wished I didn't love my dad, that perhaps if we did have a bad relationship, my heart wouldn't be broken.
Pdoc replied, "no you don't, what you had was a very special, loving relationship, but those that haven't been that fortunate experience some form of grief".
So true, to some degree, my mom's dad was supposedly a good person (he died before I was born) when sober, but mean and abusive while drunk, leaving horrible memories in my mom's mind. One day she told me she always felt hate towards him and when he died she was almost happy, till a teeny flash of short lived feeling of love from him turned things in a different light, she felt sorry that such a good man destroyed himself, and relationships.
"IF" only he could of been helped, if only he could of stayed sober, things could have been different.
The hatred melted, not the bad memories though, but she saw him as the original person he had been.
I feel though it took my mom's lifetime, but eventually resolved stuff and put closure on it.
There are no deadlines of when you will feel tears or not, there are no deadlines of when to grieve and stop grieving, many of us will have different memories.
If you never feel tears from this, that's okay too, everything happens in it's own time.
I'm happy you came here, and please always feel welcomed to do so, so many of us that have lost a family member and even a pet, can share our feelings.
Right now try not to put any sort of pressures on yourself, let your feelings come out, want to cry then do so, if you feel anger, punch your pillow, even go off and scream, don't try to lock emotions away, they are something we all have been given, some good, some bad.
That line that the Wizard said to the Tin Man, "why do you want a heart? They only get broken." I know this isn't his exact words but the gist of it.
I wished many a time to be like "The Tin Man", others here have said the same thing, but then I also dig deep into my heart and realize that then I wouldn't have the gift of fond memories . . . good times.
Emotions . . . maybe a curse or a gift, that is what scientists say seperates humans from animals.
Personally I feel animals have emotions, if not, they may be better equiped than humans, coping and adjusting.
Adaptation. . . a beautiful thing.

Much love to you and wishes for better days to come,

DE

[SweetSunshine]

Dear Debbie~
I am sorry I am just getting to this hon. I wanted to tell you a bit of my own feelings because I relate to what you are going thru.

When my mom was sick , I went to live with my parents into my second year of marriage. I ended up living with them for 9 months before my mom passed away. As you can imagine that was a very hard time for me with being basically a newlywed and dealing with a sick parent. She needed all day care. Changing dressings 2x a day 3 different dressings. I had to manage her meds, diet, personal care, all that. And towards the last 4 months, she had to go on dialysis too. Starting with the hemodyalisis while her peritoneal cavity opening healed for peritoneal dialysis. Its a more natural tyep of dyalisis doing 4 exchanges a day lasting about 20 min to a half hour if she was emptying good. You couldnt run a/c or heat while doing the exchanges , you had to keep the house immaculate cause of dust/ germs being thrown around to cause infection. I had to do all that , laundry , cook meals and work part time. Seeing my husband 2x a week for about 20 minutes a time.

So when Mom died, and believe me this is sooo hard to admit cause I love her so much and I would do all of this over again if I had to and am with my dad but on a lighter level . I felt ABSOLUTELY relieved , and yes it was a very bitter sweet moment. I know that sounds awful. But I felt like I could breath... just breath again. I was worn down maxed out . And I am sure you were the same. I think you are allowed to have this time to breath too. No one who hasnt been thru this and knows how it is can judge you or me on anylevel of how we should/ shouldnt be feeling when it comes to how a caregiver grieves, or when or how or where. Its in our own time and space and level. It doestn mean we are bad people . Just means we need to breath and take care of us for awhile. Allow yourself to do this and dont worry about it. Our mothers know we love them and miss them regardless . I know mine does. Take care sweetie , it will be fine.

Hugz!
Beth

[darkeyes]

Trying, wow, you are so on target, dear person.
Since dad died, I have the burden of being a caregiver for my mom, talk about "getting it" twofold
She's diabetic, heart problems, dementia, etc. and soooooo I do the meds., syringes, doc visits, shopping, trash removal, cleaning, bills, etc. and then home to do very much the same
It is extremely straining, and wears one out, being middle aged doesn't make things easier.
I feel guilty when I think of the emotional freedom I will have when she passes, and then again I'll probably be too worn to enjoy the short years I'll have left.
That is a hard thing, the "damn" guilt. I've been told by therapists, and pdoc, to never feel guilty, all that has been possible I've helped it happen
When all else is empty, questionable, seeming futile, we need to step outside ourselves and tell ourselves we did a good job, the best we could . . . isn't that the best it could get? Yes.

Love to you and all that comes to this forum,

DE

PS
I thsnk you all for contributing your support to this forums and those that come here

[eskielover]

Thank you Ozzie, DE, & Beth,

I really appreciate your input. I now realize that those of us who end up being the caregivers (even though I didn't have to do any of the nursing....thank heavens), I had to be there for the emotional support & ended up protecting her & myself from the RN....I think the protecting thing was probably the hardest because it was almost impossible not to over react...My motto was better safe than sorry.

You have helped me realize that I am not so off....I was really beginning to think all I could see was negative...unfortunately, that is still almost all I see, but hope that someday it will change.

DE,
Not feeling the love doesn't make you feel less, just different feelings...your Pdoc was right. I think I will never feel the tears....I still feel numb to the whold thing...I try to find some good thoughts, but right now there aren't any & with your respones, I don't feel so bad about that ...I guess if it comes, it comes, & if not....oh well....It just feels strange listening to people who have such wonderful memories of their family, then I who wasn't even in a physically abusive family sees almost nothing. Like you, I too feel that animals have emotion...no that isn't feel....I KNOW they do. They are so sensitive to everything about their family, even my horses know when I am not feeling well & show stress the times I have passed out around them & my dogs just want to snuggle to make me feel good when I'm down....ashame us people aren't that good. I guess I tried to be that way to my Mom & not let her know how I was feeling....It is hard to act one way when you feel differently, but maybe that differently was partialy from being totally exhausted. I appreciate your welcome here & your input. I have been trying to deal with this issue & trying to get over the trauma because it seems that I don't have many memories after that except for not feeling anything positive. I have been trying to get rid of the nightmeres & depersonalization that has come from that, & is hard to work on much else. I just got a call the other day (that I missed) from the hospice care that my mother had, asking how I am doing...She only used them for 5 days before she died, & they really are caring...I tried their group, but found that I was in a place that wasn't appropriate to share with the group, so realized that I need one-on-one help with a psychologist. I talked for a long time with one of their grief counsellors & she also provided me with names if it doesn't work out going back to the psychologist I had 8 yrs ago when I was major suicidal (so she knows my past & family relationship then).

Beth,

You sure did go through very similar experiences...it is almost a shame that I wasn't able to take care or my Mother medically...I could have saved the trauma with the RN...I'm just not good at dealing with taking care of people....I can do any nursing with animals, just not humans. Initially, I was bouncing between home (an hour away) & my mother when she was in the hospital because I still was caring for the wound on my filly everyday. When my mother came home from the first hospital stay was when the RN came into the situation & at that point, I tried to do my life, but kept having things I felt uncomfortable with happening around me & felt I conldn't leave....then when my mother was back in the hospital, I was too afraid to leave the hospital myself after being followed, or leave my mother alone, not knowing what might happen even though I had her there under an alias. I think the fear along with the 24/7 like you, did the exhaustion like you also. Thank you for sharing what you have experienced also...I appreciate understanding that I am not the only one that has felt this way. I was so sick & in the hospital myself when she died that I'm not sure if it was releif I felt or what . It was then I had to take care of all the funeral arrangements & financial issues which were hard to do from the hospital so there wasn't even relief then....even after the funeral, came dealing with the estate which I just can't deal with even now. I use the excuse that I am taking care of myself right now & not dealing with it. It isn't really an excuse because I still haven't gotten over the exhaustion which comes back whenever I exert myself a little...then I'm back to the exhausted, dehydrated, mal nurished person I was 2 months ago. I really appreciate your response & reassurance that our mothers know we loved them no matter what.

You are both so sweet & kind to help me see another way of looking at the feelings I am experiencing....I can't thank you enough,

Debbie

[darkeyes]

(((((((((( huge hugs for you ))))))))))))

Remember, we are here, come by whenever you want

DE