A couple of months ago I wrote of the death of my father and how even though I had been estranged from him for 16 years, it still has an effect. Now, I have just found out that my mother ( who has been an alcoholic my entire life) has terminal cancer. She has been given 2 -4 months to live. The effect her drinking has had on my life has been huge. She has done and said many terrible things. In fact, she has never been a mother and I feel a lot of bitterness about what I have missed out on. Now I am faced with her impending death. I dont know what I feel. She lives in Australia, and I am in New Zealand. I dont feel able to care for her but I know within my heart I have to go and see her before the end. I feel so much confusion and an almost numbness about the situation. How should I be feeling........I am mixed up!

[bebop]

I am sorry you have had to deal with so much.
I don't think anyone can tell you HOW you should be feeling. I know what I would do. been there myself. I would go to her. It would give her a chance to say "I'm sorry". there is always a chance hon. of course she might not either. mine did not but I have heard of many others that did. go with what your heart is telling you. only you can decide. I can also tell you losing a parent that was bad to you all your life without an apology stinks. I am here if you need to talk hon.

[Psyched]

Hi kindergirl,

I'm sorry that you just lost your father & are now facing the same fate with your mom. I just lost my mother to cancer two months ago. I'm grateful that I knew beforehand that she was going to die, b/c we were able to say things to each other that wouldn't have been said otherwise & spend time together. I live closeby to where she did, & was her main care-giver between my other siblings, aside from my dad. It was extrememly hard for many reasons- I loved her, but I had anger issues with her, & I couldn't bear to watch her suffering so much, especially with my severe depression, so I drank a lot around her, which I now regret. I am so upset with myself for allowing my depression & irritability to mar our last months together. I know that I don't have any control over my MI, but part of those reactions had to do with my conflicting feelings about her. If I could go back, even before she got sick, I wish more than anything that I could have just forgiven her & let it go. Yes, things she did had a HUGE impact on my life, but I loved her for many reasons & I should have held onto them. I still cannot bring myself to visit her grave yet- it's all very surreal & just beginning to sink in that she's actually gone. I'm crying as I write this. My advice to you would be to visit her, b/c if you don't, you will deeply regret it & never have the chance to make up for it. Don't expect her to apologize to you. She never did before & she won't now. People don't change. All you can do is control your own behavior as much as you can. Try to see that, whatever she did, she did b/c she had her own problems. I don't think that anyone intentionally hurts others. Being angry is only going to destroy yourself. It isn't like you will be with her for a year- you're only going for a visit. Go to her with love & say goodbye. If you don't, you will be hurting not only yourself but her, too. Be the bigger person. I'm telling you, you will regret it if you don't.
Please feel free to PM me, if you'd like.

bebop, you were the only person who replied when I posted here about my mom's death. Thank you.

Thank you both so much for your replies. I do intend to go and see her, but to be honest it is with dread. My anxiety levels are through the roof in trying to deal with this difficult situation............but no doubt I will be ok. Thanks again, it is always good to hear another perspective, especially from those who have been through it. Lx

[Ascension]

I am sorry to hear that you have lost your father and now you are losing your mother. The numbness sometimes is a way of deflecting overwhelming apprehension and anxiety. Maybe you could talk to a pastor, or a member of your treatment team if you have one, to help work through some of this stuff. I don't want to add pressure to the situation but maybe you could take the time to work through and resolve some of your past concerns with your mother. I wish I had answers before it was too late in many of my relationships that can't be asked now. Good luck and find peace.

[bebop]

oh hon I am sorry you didn't get better response. I know how that feels.

you are right in so many ways about how her mother might or might not behave. my words are never right here lol. I agree with you though.!

Originally Posted by Psyched

Hi kindergirl,

I'm sorry that you just lost your father & are now facing the same fate with your mom. I just lost my mother to cancer two months ago. I'm grateful that I knew beforehand that she was going to die, b/c we were able to say things to each other that wouldn't have been said otherwise & spend time together. I live closeby to where she did, & was her main care-giver between my other siblings, aside from my dad. It was extrememly hard for many reasons- I loved her, but I had anger issues with her, & I couldn't bear to watch her suffering so much, especially with my severe depression, so I drank a lot around her, which I now regret. I am so upset with myself for allowing my depression & irritability to mar our last months together. I know that I don't have any control over my MI, but part of those reactions had to do with my conflicting feelings about her. If I could go back, even before she got sick, I wish more than anything that I could have just forgiven her & let it go. Yes, things she did had a HUGE impact on my life, but I loved her for many reasons & I should have held onto them. I still cannot bring myself to visit her grave yet- it's all very surreal & just beginning to sink in that she's actually gone. I'm crying as I write this. My advice to you would be to visit her, b/c if you don't, you will deeply regret it & never have the chance to make up for it. Don't expect her to apologize to you. She never did before & she won't now. People don't change. All you can do is control your own behavior as much as you can. Try to see that, whatever she did, she did b/c she had her own problems. I don't think that anyone intentionally hurts others. Being angry is only going to destroy yourself. It isn't like you will be with her for a year- you're only going for a visit. Go to her with love & say goodbye. If you don't, you will be hurting not only yourself but her, too. Be the bigger person. I'm telling you, you will regret it if you don't.
Please feel free to PM me, if you'd like.

bebop, you were the only person who replied when I posted here about my mom's death. Thank you.