[pam7320]

My aunt died a week ago. My father confided in me that she committed suicide, but only my aunt's immediate family know that's the reason she died. They're saying it's a heart attack to everyone else for privacy reasons.

I don't want to betray my father, but I feel like I need to discuss her suicide with someone. I talk about it with my father, but I wish I could talk about it with my husband. It feels strange to be keeping something that's affecting me so emotionally from my husband. But I love my dad and don't want to betray him.

Also, would I be breaking the promise if I discussed it with my therapist?

[mysterytour]

i'm so sorry for your loss.i think it would be fine to talk to your therapist.....

im so sorry for your loss. That is very hard, imo i do think your hubby should know as its effecting you . which in turn affects him. secrets are never a good thing imo
if you can talk to your dad tell him you really need to tell your hubby
my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by muffy

im so sorry for your loss. That is very hard, imo i do think your hubby should know as its effecting you . which in turn affects him. secrets are never a good thing imo
if you can talk to your dad tell him you really need to tell your hubby
my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I agree with Muffy - that secrets like this aren't good. I don't think it's proper to sweep issues like this under the carpet. Your aunt had mental illness - this isn't something to be ashamed of. This is a shock(understandably) to you and it's natural for you to feel the need to talk about it. Sometimes suicide runs in families so it's very important to openly discuss these matters - so hopefully future generations won't do the same and instead reach out for help.

I speak from experience because my Great Grandmother killed herself and a year and a half ago my brother committed suicide. I think you should tell your husband and your therapist(since this is relevent to your mental health)

There's no doubt suicide is shocking and devastating but as families we shouldn't feel ashamed because our loved ones were sick. Talking will bring about healing and may save someone else in the family one day. It's necessary to talk about it!! Thanks for sharing your sorrow.

[VickiesPath]

I'm very sorry for the sorrow that your family is experiencing. I know how it is because it has happened in my family, too.

I was first hospitalized in 1985 and in 1987 after my second hospitalization, the following week, my uncle (father's brother) committed suicide. When that happened, my mother took it upon herself to start asking questions and found out a lot of information that no one had ever talked about but which was very important for our family to know. It was not important for anyone else to know it but it WAS important for the family to know because, as it turns out, many of us have inherited the genetic predisposition for depression, bipolar depression, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses. There have been numerous suicides on my father's side of the family and we now know about these thanks to my mother's curiosity.

I don't think it's necessary for anyone outside of your family to know about your aunt. But I don't see the harm in sharing this with your husband or your T. Certainly, it is not the business of your aunt and uncle's friends.

[crystalrose]

sorry to hear you going through such a tough time. i think its fine to tell your husband and your therapist. I don't think it is good to keep secrets of this type at all but i understand that your family wants to keep it within your family. Doesn't your dad include your husband as family ? I hope you can find some peace with whatever you decide to do and hugs from me, take care don't be afraid to talk to your T everything is confidential remember.

[pam7320]

Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.

Crystalrose, my husband and I were just married, so he's still very new to the family. My dad likes him a lot, but they still don't know each other very well.

My dad confided in me with this secret, but did not tell my siblings (my mom passed away a few years ago). My cousin told him, and he wasn't supposed to tell anyone else, but he knows he can trust me with a secret, and I think he needed someone to talk to about it.

I agree that I should be able to talk to my husband, but maybe I should ask my dad first...?

[jolly folly]

It is such a shame that people regard suicide as something to be ashamed of as it isn't. It's sad, very sad when a person can see no other option and feel it's best to end their journey. My Mum ended her life when I was 8yrs old and her family, brothers, sisters, Mother and Father treated the whole thing as a terrible stigma scenario and Mum was buried in an unmarked grave and the subject of June (Mum) was never spoken about again. These are very religeous people and Land owners gentry type and 'this' just couldn't happen. The cloud of shame hung over me because of it. I am Junes daughter,,,Um. I to this day (I'm now 51) can't ask anything about her or approach the subject. They act like startled rabbits when I attend a funeral which is the only time we meet as though I'm an uncomfortable unwanted memory who could dash their world into pieces just by asking an awkward question maybe. They send me birthday cards and X,Mas too and include me in their wills,,,,,,but I know none of them because of this stigma thing. There's no point to pretending it didn't happen,,,God knows doesn't he, the family knows don't they, but hey, lets pretend it didn't happen, lets not talk about it. Rediculous behavior by them and from my viewpoint very damaging. So although I understand your cousins desire to protect your Aunts reputation especially while in shock because it's always a shock to comprehend,,,he needed to share it with your dad who in turn needed to share it with you leaving you,,,where???? Needing,,,that's where. I agree with you that first tell your Dad that you wish for no secrets in your marraige and desperatly need to share this with your husband and I am certain he will view this differently although he may well need to tell your cousin first that he had to share it as do you now,,then this can go smoothly without any betraying of trusts. Heavy duty baggage all round sadly but unite and share and it will lighten. Sorry to you for your torment and the strain you must be enduring and newly married too,,when without this you would be joyously happy. I really hope that you can nip this in the bud,,like now.
Much respect to you over this and Good Luck with it all and I hope I havn't over stepped the mark by being so clear in my mind as to what you need. I wish you every happiness

[Rapunzel]

You can tell your therapist anything. They are bound by confidentiality, so it isn't even breaking a confidence for you to tell them. Therapy is a place to clear out the secrets, as secrets keep us stuck in dysfunctional patterns.

Maybe asking your dad for permission to tell your husband would be best. Besides respecting your dad's confidence in you, it also lets your dad know that he isn't the only one who needs to be able to talk to someone.

I agree with previous posters about the damages done by keeping secrets. That is how families stay stuck in dysfunctional patterns and spread mental illness from one generation to the next. My family didn't talk about mental illness either. As a child, I was continuously depressed, and was not allowed to tell anyone that I was unhappy. I did try to talk to people, but my family followed up by discrediting me and calling me selfish and bad. That is how people who don't want to change and feel threatened control other people who are trying to change and may be threatening the status quo. I didn't get treatment for depression until I had grown up and left home, which was very hard to do, as they fought that too. After I broke free, I was distanced from my family and it was like I didn't even exist to them for several years. When I started to make contact again with my siblings, I eventually learned that the majority of my family had depression, anxiety, etc., including grandparents, cousins, siblings. It was just something that they didn't think should be talked about.

My brother developed schizophrenia and was sometimes institutionalized. My parents kept the secret from their parents and siblings. My brother didn't receive visits or letters or support, because nobody was supposed to know where he was. They didn't tell me until I asked why I hadn't heard from him in a long time, and then they told me not to tell anyone. My brother committed suicide, and at his funeral they told some of his story. Not everything, but enough to have relatives commenting that they knew something was strange but didn't want to say anything because my parents obviously didn't want them to know. And I heard about other extended family members who had been institutionalized with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, that my parents had never told me about.

For the sake of secrets, many of us were not treated for mental illness when needed, and contact between family members was prevented, and support denied. I don't mean to keep secrets from my children, but they don't know my family because they didn't grow up with them, and much of it just doesn't come up, and I don't know how to bring it up. But if we could be open and honest, how many problems could be prevented or lessened?

Secrets don't do us any favors. Those who are keeping the secrets may mean well (my parents didn't want their aging parents to worry, for example), but they need to know that the results are more mental illness and more suicides and that telling the secrets helps to stop the cycle.

[MaggieMay93]

Pam7320 - this is a lot to carry on your own though it is great for your Dad that he has you to confide it. I'm sure if you explain it to him he will give his blessing for you to confide in your husband. I'm sorry for your loss. Good luck to you.

[Slippers]

When your dad walked you down the aisle, he handed you to your husband. That symbolizes that you are grown, and in a bond now with your husband. I think your first loyalty now is to your husband.

It's sweet that you want to ask dad first, but I don't think it's needed. If you want to tell you husband, do it. He is there to be your pillar, your support. That's why you married him.

Everything the others said about suicide not needing to be a secret, I totally agree with. I also lost a loved one to suicide. Yes, the secret is dangerous since that level of severe depression is genetic. The family needs to know to be on the look out for mood disorders and to watch for signs of severe depression. There is no shame in this disorder. It's simply brain chemistry. Hopefully in time the family will get some education, and change their minds.

Maybe you'll be able to educate your father, and the info can flow up from there. This website may help:

www.afsp.org

They may find a support group that meets near them for "survivors" - the loved ones of those who have died by suicide. Your dad may want to look there for a group too. The website has groups, and lots of good info.

Hugs to you, Slippers