[cantstopcrying]

The 9th of this month it will be two months since Dave killed himself. I manage to have good days because I am a pro at stuffing things down inside. But sometimes they come up. When he died, my folks (who never liked him, so this shocked me), offered the stipend to the church to have a mass dedicated to him, so his name would be mentioned during the general intercession. That mass was last Sunday, the 3rd. I cried through the entire mass, though his name was only mentioned once. The girls and I took the gifts up, me crying the whole time. I stuff it all down inside when I go home because Myron just doesn't understand, at all. So last night he and I went to Logan's for a drink and munchies after work and saw someone we went to school with, who had a friend with her. They both knew Dave and couldn't leave it at, "I'm sorry to hear about Dave. How are the kids doing?" No, they wanted to know every detail about how we are handling it, then I get to hear about how he had apparently gotten back into drugs and how he loved his new girlfriend so much and borrowed money to pay her rent and then she said to him that she didn't know why he was doing all this for her because she wasn't planning on spending the rest of her life with him. Then I got to hear how was telling all his friends how he f**ked up the best thing that ever happened to him (me) and how he just missed his wife (me, though we weren't married) and wanted his wife with me. I had to sit there and listen to this because I couldn't say I really can't hear this right now. Why the hell didn't he call me????!!! WHY!!!!!?????????? All he had to do was call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a year and a half that we've been apart but we were so close still. I loved him. He loved me. Why the f*** didn't he call me??????!!!!!! Why did he have to do it???????????? I think I just hit the anger stage.

[pegasus]

(((((((( cantstopcrying )))))))) Thinking of you.

[idontknow13]

((((((cantstopcrying)))))

[sunrise]

I'm so sorry. (((((cantstopcrying)))))

[Miracle1986]

(((((Marci))))))
I am here if you need to talk.

[cantstopcrying]

Thank you very much!! I wonder when the hurt will lessen. I think about him at least 5 times a day. Doing mundane things like tossing the laundry in the washer, or watching tv. It makes me so sad and angry and people just seem to think that it's been two months, I should be ok to talk about it. It's not like we broke up and he's out of my life...we broke up, he was still an almost daily part of my life and now he's gone forever. There is no chance of ever talking to him again. Except in heaven. I can't pick up the phone and ask him if he remembers the name of the guy who fixed the furnace, or where we put the christmas tree stand, or tell him about good news about the girls. I sit here at work and have a split second thought and I totally lose it. I just want somehow to make it better. I hear people talk about it, talk about him and I just want to scream, "You don't know, you didn't know him. Don't tell me he still loved me--it's too late. Why didn't you tell on November 8th? Now it's too late!!" Sorry. Ranting. Thank you sweety. Thank you everyone for listening.

[VickiesPath]

Hi Marci,
Grieving has no timetable. Everyone grieves on their own schedule. If you want to feel these feelings once a day for two minutes for the next ten years, then that's what you have the right to do. There is nothing more personal than grieving. And you have every right to tell someone that you simply CANNOT discuss any more details.

((((((( Marci ))))))))

[susan888]

(((Cantstopcrying)))

You will heal, but it will always haunt you..My Dad did the same thing when I was 8 and I still sometimes think that if only I had woken up and interrupted it...If only I had been better...You will come to realize that there was nothing you could have done to change it...It's not your fault and he knows that you grieve for him. I am so sorry that you have to go through this...The best advice I could give you is to find a survivors of suicide support group.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Xelora]

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

[sharon123]

I am so sorry. There are some things in life there are no answers for, and we ask ourselves why.....People are uncomfortable with our pain and grief and say things that are not helpful.

The next time someone says or talks about something that causes you pain, you every every right to say respectfully.....Please, I cannot talk about this. If they respect you, they will stop. If not, walk away.

Hugs

[cantstopcrying]

Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot.

[lynn P.]

I agree - next time if you feel you don't want to hear someone talk about it, then by all means, stop them from talking. It's very normal and healthy to express your anger, as long as you're not destructive to yourself. As I mentioned in your other thread, my brother did the same thing and I was very angry at him for doing this to us. I have come to realize, that I won't allow this to burden me. I found it very helpful talking about it here at PC. I also try to inspire other people to live, by sharing my experience, so they won't make their family and friends feel this kind of pain. This was my brothers choice and I won't let it ruin my chance at life. I just want you to know this was a process for me and I went through months of many emotions before I finally reached this place now. Do you have a therapist to talk to? It's very normal to grieve and it takes time but just don't let it take control of you where it beomes unhelathy.

[cantstopcrying]

Thank you so much! It means so much that you are willing to share your experience and pain. It's funny because I go for long periods of time without crying. I think of him daily, as I have for 10 years, it's a habit. But things like seeing a picture just make the tears flow and the anger and sadness. I do not speak to a therapist, I am normally ok, but when it hits me, it hits me hard. Thank you again for your caring.