[blanche]

Although my long-term fiance passed away last October, it was too cold to scatter his ashes after his funeral. Next month, his daughter and brother are coming into town to "let go".
I have his ashes in my apartment and oddly enough, I feel no attachment to them. I even opened the box to see how I would react but they just seem like tiny pieces of bone to me. Not my fiance at all. Many other reminders of him can make me weepy but not the box. When I see items that belonged to him, I can envision him with them. But the box is foreign to me and my memories of him.
Just wondering if this is an abnormal reaction or non-reaction to his ashes? And does anyone have any advice for scattering and letting go of them?

[Perna]

I'm very sorry for your loss, blanche. It doesn't sound abnormal to me, not to react to a box of ashes; I don't think I would either.

There are laws about scattering human remains but my father-in-law wanted his spread over a certain body of water where he had spread his wife's so my husband and his three brothers got taken out on a neighbor's boat and did that.

There's a slightly interesting book, Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral where a group of good friends get together and go to all the places "Annie" planned for them (she plotted who would go and how/where and paid for everything before she died) and they scattered a bit of her ashes each place:

http://www.amazon.com/Annie-Freemans.../dp/0553382640

If you fiance didn't have any particular wishes for his remains, I would think about what would help you the most with your grieving?

[blanche]

Thank you for the book recommendation! I just finished one called "Good Grief" which is a funny, heart-warming yet somewhat sad story of one woman's loss of her husband. Reading really helps me to connect with feelings that I did not even know I had. I will look for the book!
Thanks too for not thinking it is strange that I am able to let go of the ashes so easily. I guess I felt I wasn't playing the "grieving widow" good enough. I would however, like to scatter them in one of his favorite fishing spots. Some of my happiest memories are of him fishing; with me sitting on the bank getting some sun and watching him.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you will be able to "let go" a little more when family comes.

You might be numbing when it comes to the reality of his ashes. Don't be surprised if you do let down and sob ... but don't feel like you aren't mourning if you remain calm too. People mourn in different ways ... and at various times too.

I know what you mean by breaking down with other stuff ... my mom will be gone 1 year on May 31st. I do rather well usually ... but just yesterday I was driving the street I would have taken to her home when an ambulance lights & siren running, came through the intersection on it's way to the hospital. It was all I could to do to regain composure before the light changed and I had to drive.

[blanche]

JD-
I know the feeling. Emotions hit me at the strangest times. Today I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet and found his toothbrush and had to sit down for awhile. A toothbrush!
I think you may be correct about the ashes too. Although I can say right now that I won't miss the ashes, it's probably because I still have them. Perhaps I will take some for myself to put in a locket or something.

[Fresia]

How are you doing?

((((((((((blanche))))))))))

I have a teeny urn/vase thing from the funeral home with some of my father's ashes. I'm not sure how I would feel if they were ALL gone...I don't feel like I am attached to them, but like you said, maybe that's because some of them are still here.

I read once that someone put some of his father's ashes in the wheel well of his car because he and his dad liked to drive around together

I'm sorry for your loss.

[blanche]

I'm still hanging in there! Thank you for asking. That is such a cute story about liking "to drive around together". I've decided to keep some ashes to put in a medicine bag with one of his crystals. I figure there is nothing wrong with holding on to a little part of him. Memories are wonderful things but having something physical to see and touch is comforting too.

[Fresia]

Your words are touching and it is a lovely idea.
Wishing you all the best.
-Fresia