[eskielover]

I have felt this day coming for quite some time only didn't know how I might feel. It would have been her 81st birthday Sept 2. There is an internal fight going on inside....one that tells me that I should take flowers to her & my fathers graves which are side by side. I haven't been to the cemetary since the funeral....just can't get myself to go there. I don't remember much about the funeral, don't even really remember being there. I remember at the funeral home when I took everything there that my daughter wanted put with my Mother, the director asked me if I wanted to see her. I couldn't even do that.......the night I told her it was ok to die was the last time I saw her. It seems so hard to have it together on the outside, to be so matter of fact about it all, while being torn up inside not being sure of what was going on...only by intuition.

I have my day planned tomorrow......riding lunge lesson in the morning & feeding the horses in the evening. That does give me time in the middle of the day to go to the cemetary. I would always give her flowers when she was alive.....she loved them....and I remember her saying that if you can't give me flowers when I am alive, don't bother after I'm dead. For her funeral, i had long stemmed roses for each person at the funeral......her rose garden was her pride. When she visited me in the hospital the many times I was in, she always brought me roses out of the garden. All of my pets as a child were barried there in the rose garden too.....there are alot of memories held inside the walls of that property.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out thinking about it. Knowing that it really would be easier on me if I didn't make that long trip.....but there is something pulling me to go that I really don't understand. I am mad at her for leaving me behind, having to deal with the mess that she made of her life at the end......thinking that the choices she made allowed her to kill herself in a way other than suicide.....just because she chose not to treat her cancer until too late. I am the one that caught the RN, I am the one that was threatened, I am the one that has the horrible nightmares & the feelings of not being me but watching everything happen around me. But I have my horses & my dogs to protect & keep me in the here & now when all else fails.

Will see what tomorrow brings,
Debbie

I'm sorry, Debbie.

Maybe going will start the healing, like a wound that needs to close.

Going to the cemetery is like tending to the wound and getting stitches.

It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

Let your heart lead you.

Petunia

Debbie, you don't have to go tomorrow. if you do go, go with the thoughts of working towards healing your broken heart. this is a lengthy process and sometimes seems impossible, but it will happen. remember, we're all here for you. xoxox pat

[CedarS]

Debbie, I agree with the three wise women before me. Know that you are in our thoughts, and that you will know what to do, what is best for you.

Sarah

[Myzen]

Hi Debbie,

This might seem to be an odd thing to say, but I think you are very fortunate to have your grief. It is clear that you and your Mum loved each other.

Nothing could be more natural than to grieve for a person that you truly loved, and who loved you.

Peaceful thoughts, M

[eskielover]

Thank you all.....it is so wonderful to have your support....you don't know how much it means to me to know that others understand.

I was in the ER all last night trying to get rehydrated....my sugar level was way low & my potassium was too low too. Guess that was why I keep passing out. It took several tries to get the IV in....ouch....blew out one vein & missed the other until they finally settled on the normal place that works....at least this time it dripped on it's own instead of me having to hold the IV & wiggle it constantly. Gave me a chance to sleep about an hour...the ER is rediculous....I arrived at 1am & didn't get in until 6am...then I had to be at the ranch at 10am for a lesson.

While at the ranch, the lesson ended up getting rescheduled but took care of some other things. One of my friends was having a lesson & we were talking about going to the cemetary too. She encouraged me along with my trainer & I had talked to my psychologist about it too.....she was also thinking it might be a good idea. Keeping an open mind.....I decided to drive down to her home & see if there were any roses in the rose garden to cut. The house is about 1/2 hr farther than the cemetary. When I got there, there were no roses nor any other flowers that could be cut. I stopped by a little florist on the way back to the cemetary & got some carnations there.....they weren't her roses, but had to do.

I had forgotten that this was the labor day weekend with all the going out of town traffic....took me forever to get back to the cemetary. I had brought 3 of my dogs with me...knowing how much I need them. When I finally got to the cemetary, I drove to the area where I remembered the grave should have been. I got out of the car & took the flowers & the little dog (Celia) that my Mother loved & left the others (Leo & Tawny) in the car with one of the windows cracked open about 2 1/2 inches. I searched & searched & couldn't find the headstone...I can't believe that I didn't have any relational sense from the funeral.....I didn't even remember the funeral.....I was wandering all over getting more frustrated & wondering how stupid I could be. It was getting later & I had the horses to feed at the ranch too. I decided to go back to the car & see if I couldn't find someone around to give me some direction. I got back to the car & dang, Leo had been bouncing around wanting to get to me & locked the door with my keys inside. I tried to get my arm through the crack in the window & it was kinda tight....I finally forced my arm through & got the lock pulled up....then my arm was stuck in the door & of course it was the arm that had been tortured by the ER nurse & IV. I stood there in pain, swearing at Leo & myself for being so stupid.

For some reason it seems like when I am in a very emotional state, something always happens to put my mind into another place. I finally manuvered around & got the window wound down a little more & was able to pull my arm out...

It ended up that I couldn't find any help so I went back to where I was & continued my search....I finally stumbled across it.....got the flowers into the vase & sat down on the grass with Celia. I must be a horrible daughter because all I could do was ask her why she did it to herself. She had always told me that dying of cancer would be the worst way to die....she always said how important it was to catch it early & take care if it.....but what did she do.....how could she be so stupid....or was it nieve.....or was it careless.....or was it????? But it was her choice to live her life & make the decisions that she make. She always told me how hard it was on my Father to have to care for his Mother who died of cancer when he was in high school & how she wouldn't want to do that to anyone let alone die with having to experience such pain...& yet that was exactly what she did....making all the wrong choices that determined the end of her life....I just can't believe that she didn't know about what was going on with her before she finally did something about it.....her surgeon couldn't believe it either. All I could do was to tell her that her prayers hadn't been answered the way she wanted them to be.....but that wasn't what prayer was all about anyway. For some reason, I am having a hard time getting over my anger with her for not letting me be a part of her life at the end so we wouldn't have had to go through the trauma.....& I would have been able to let her have a more peaceful life at the end rather than having to protect her by keeping her friends away from her & make it all so confusing. I know there is a lot of anger because I shouldn't have had to go through anything more than dealing with her health & her death....yes, I probably allowed myself to experience the situation the way I have, but found it rather impossible to control sensations that I never realized I could have. I am sure there is a reason why it happened the way it did....& maybe someday, I will be able to be relieved by that realization......I cried but it was because she had to go through what she did & I ended up with the mess that was caused by her choices....all of them seemed to be wrong. Then I sat there feeling guilty because I just can't seem to have the feelings that were expressed by those I listened to in the grief group that the hospice care provided.......I don't know if that day will ever come was all I could think of for the hour drive home.

It all seems so complicated & I continually wonder why I am so critical of my Mother & the situation that defined the end of her life & how it has effected me. Maybe someday, I will see it in a different light....but for now?????

I guess I am not dealing very well with her death yet,
Debbie

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I guess I am not dealing very well with her death yet

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> we think you are dealing with it very well eskie. it will continue to take time and grief is one weird thing in how it works. sometimes leaps and bounds..........other times it crawls.

all of your writings here about your mother are helping you to get out what's inside.

we think you're grieving at the perfectly appropriate pace for you.

(((eskie)))

__zh

oh! brother never wants to go to grave on anniversary dates.......he says the date doesn't matter and he'll go when he can. if that works for him then swell. we happen to feel it is important on the date however if it is too taxing at the time due to health then we postpone until we're up to the hour plus drive there. still working on not feeling guilty when we can't make it on a certain date.........we'll get this guilt licked!!

[eskielover]

_zh,

Thank you for your kind words....this is the first time I have ever gone to any grave......just never feel it is appropriate. I remember going with my Mother to my Fathers grave just after to check that the grave stone had the correct information on it....but to visit.....just have never been able to do it....until yesterday. I guess I feel that I may not be around here in the future & wanted to make sure it was updated with both their information...but mostly, I wanted to know what feelings were going to come out inside of me...since the sturgle seems to be rather difficult. I feel kinda bad because people usually think about all they learned from their parents & all I can manage to come up with it the fact that I have learned "what NOT to do" & "how NOT to act". I am feeling so negative towards the relationship......it seems so strange when I listen to others speaking about their parents & I realize that I don't feel similar in any way. In many ways I resent having feelings like that.....wanting so bad to have the peaceful memories that come from a normal family.....it does seem strange because I can't really define anything disfunctional.....or anything that was horrible......it just didn't seem quite right.....or the way I would have liked a family to be. I am sure my daughter has the same feelings about us.....so maybe it runs in the family. We seem to be just kinda messed up.

I hate the memories I have & fill my mind with all the good thoughts I have with my horses & dogs.....to keep anything else away. I just want to feel good after everything that has happened over the last few years.....even dealing with filing for my divorce is stressful trying to get together all the information even though I know I will feel really great after it is all over.

It make me feel ok that I am dealing fairly well with it.....can't really look at myself & see what is really happening with all that is in my mind.

Thank you,
Debbie

[bebop]

eskie you know hon you sound just like me. I have been where you are. I hate going to my mothers grave but my granddaughter is buried right next to her. I am here anytime for you. you can always pm if you want.
Elaine

[eskielover]

bebop,

Thank you for your post....it is good to know that others have similar feelings as those that I seem to be having.....thanks for the offer to PM.....there are definitely times where things seem too personal to just put out here......life & feelings seem very private to me.

Thank you Elaine,
Debbie