[January]

This is the day my Dad died. My Mom went out of her way to make sure I remembered this was the anniversary and she went out of her way to make sure I remembered this was the day. Of course I remember! He was so abusive, yet I wouldn't leave him. All the family except Mom and me left that night in ICU. He passed and I finally felt like maybe we'd be free to live. Little did I know there was no escaping his leagacy. His terror still lives on.

Mom made me so mad. She called him "Daddy" tonight. She couldn't stand him while he lived, now he's perfect.

I talked to Ryan about it. I guess my Mom is hurting, but I just can't comfort her on this. I still have nightmares dreaming that he's attacking me. Why do I want to talk about him?

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( COMFORT )))))))

YOU talk about him as to HEAL the wounded part of your SOUL that still cries out to be set FREE.... to release you from your inner prison, called: The MIND.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Eva1nder]

((((((( Jan ))))))))

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Your mom might be hurting and have her pain, but it's her own.

You very much have your own and probably will not be able to help her and that's understandable. You were a child growing up with someone who was abusive and even though you are an adult today it's extremely hard to process things the way your mom is and she needs to.

It's ok to talk about him and probably good...it's a way for you to deal. It's better then blocking it out as I've been told lately.

You're such a good person and I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. You've been through a lot Jan ...allow yourself to feel the way you want and say what you want.

(((((Jan)))))big hugs

[January]

((((((((((((((( Rhap )))))))))))))))

Thank you so much, but talking never seems to help. I just get angry again and then the nightmares start all over if I've had a break from them....

Thank you for answering. It was so nice of you and I really appreciate it.

Hugs,

Jan

[EJ711]

January,
Sometimes people, like your mother can't face the truth all of the time, so right now she's calling him Daddy. I would say she is not ready to have any truthful conversations on the topic, Tough for you.

EJ

[January]

Thank you, EJ. He was what he was. Being dead doesn't make him a saint. They spent a lot of years together and I am sure in their own strange ways, they loved each other around all the abuse. This is just one time I can't hurt myself enough to comfort her.

I was the one who stayed with her at the ICU the night he died. There had been a snow and ice storm. In fact, there was like 2 ft of snow. The governor of the state I was living in declared an emergency. No one was to be on the roads and I climbed into my little car and drove all the way to Charleston, WV to get to my Dad and the rest of my family. Everyone left, but I knew he wouldn't make it the night. I knew too much about "The Midnight Hour". I stayed and I was there. I was the one who took a four hour nap and my mother and brother went and made horrendous decisions on the funeral and visitation arrangements. I was the one who stood by the casket for hours receiving visitors, while my Mom and brother sat and cried. I was the one who heard time and again what a wonderful man my father had been, knowing all the time how he treated my family and not saying a word to the nice people who came to pay their respects. I was the one who was forced to sit on the second row because my brother and Mom had their people sit with them and there was no room for me, the daughter. I was the one who gave up her freedom to help take care of Mom. I was the one who watched in absolute horror when my Mom turned into the vicious, manipulative creature my Dad had been and sold the farm and home I had worked and slaved to earn, just because he trusted her enough that he didn't put them in my name.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't do it tonight at least. Right now I am so triggered I am absolutely beside myself.

[Rhapsody]

Dear January, ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

Have YOU ever tried this method of therapy for releasing the ANGER................. get a stack of pillow and a tennis racket and then beat the H*LL out of the pillow as you envision the person you are angry at and tell them off (yelling loud).... it does wonders for the mental part of our hurt and pain.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[January]

(((((((((((((((( Rhap )))))))))))))))))

No, I've never tried anything like that at all. My only way to get away from the anger was to escape to the forest but I live in town now and I have no way to get to the sanctuary of the trees.

Your idea sounds like a good one. I'm sitting here imagining what my apartment neighbors would think if they heard me screaming! lololol!!!!

Anger terrifies me, Rhap. I can be stern, but true fury is ... I can't even describe it.

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

Anger terrifies me, Rhap. I can be stern, but true fury is ... I can't even describe it.

I can relate to this so much Jan, but we know we'll never heal unless we face it, right?
And just that thought is enough to shut me down.

It is very scary, isn't it. ((((( Jan )))))

I tried to tell my T how it almost feels life threatening.

I get mad all the time, but not angry.

In my own case I think it's because if I let myself truly feel the anger--

if I unleash the fury that rages inside--

I just might become one of them.

You are brave for posting this. I know how hard it is for you. You done good Elf sister.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[EJ711]

Jan,

How did you do all that?

I'm so sorry.

(((((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))

Love,

EJ

[Azalysa]

{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}

Just to let you know I care.

[DocClyde]

(((January)))

[January]

(((((((((( Dearest Eva )))))))))))

Somehow I missed your post. I'm so sorry! You know I would never leave you out on purpose.

How do you discuss a...monster?

How?

It just makes me look stupid. I am absolutely horrified that I posted about this and it has taken every bit of will I have to not to ask the admins to pull it. I am embarrassed.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

Oh Pet, you understand. You truly do.

I won't unleash mine. I can't afford to unleash it. But I do know this... You and I can never, ever become like them. Never. We are good people. Not perfect, maybe not even great, but we are nice or at least we try hard to be, so that alone sets us a universe apart from them... We are not monsters. This I know...

Thank you for knowing how hard it is for me to do this.

Elf Sister

[January]

Thank you, Fuzzy.

(((((((((((((( Fuzz Bear )))))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( EJ )))))))))))))

I did no more than what had to be done.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( Aza )))))))))))

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((( Clyde )))))))))

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( EJ ))))))))))))

What I was trying to say was there really wasn't a choice. I just had to plow through it. You know?

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( EJ ))))))))))))

What I was trying to say was there really wasn't a choice. I just had to plow through it. You know?

Hugs,

Jan

[EJ711]

Jan,

I disagree. You could have sat there and cried with the rest of them. If you can envision all of you sitting there crying, and remove yourself enough from the situation, it might even give you a laugh. Feel free to throw something at me if it doesn't work.

Hugs,

EJ

[EJ711]

Jan,

Actually I may have had even a better thought. Maybe to heal, you need to envision yourself taking the phone call about your Dad. Then in your vision you say to whoever who called in a dispassionate way, "Thank you for letting me know." Then you walk over to your sofa, click on the TV, and reach for a box of Russell Stover chocolates. You then smile, and have a chocolate.

Then you envision yourself calling to make an appointment at a all-day spa, the day of the funeral.

This is all to say that I am now going to begin to take care of me and learn to think of myself as special. I am going to become a new me.

Or you could call your travel agent in your vision, book a flight to Mexico, and get on the plane smiling, and fly off into the sunset of your new happy, abuse-free life.

(((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))

Hugs,

EJ

[January]

((((((((((( EJ )))))))))))))))

You have no idea how much I wish I had taken every penny I had and driven as far away from Charleston, WV as I could possibly get and never, ever looked back. I wish I could do it now, but my health doesn't permit it...

I have slept a whole 45 minutes since my Mom called me. That's called triggered beyond belief.

Thanks, EJ. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

Hugs,

Jan

[wisewoman]

Oh my Jan, we are adults now and we have a teency bit of power. Please know that nothing we see or do is black and white. We all have shades of grey. it's more difficult to view things this way but it is the trith. I wish peace for you.