Getting close.

I'm am getting close to the 1annaverary of my mother who died in June ,For the past year I have played the last few months of my mother's life in my head over and over. I don't sleep all that well ,becouse of the phone, I feel like someone will call about her,I can remember everything that happen month by month day by day, I have nite mares of everything that happen in the past year.I know she is gone, I feel like she is here in someway. Oh how are miss her and her life was cut short becouse cancer .She fought so hard for her life,I think she found the strighth in me to keep on fighting. I feel so empty like I lost something and I'll never get it back .I know I lost a parent, I lost my best friend too , I need my mother in my life but now I don't have her anymore.I want to cry but the tears won't come,I wanted to cry ever sence this all happen but nothing, Am I normal for not crying ?Yes I feel real bad that I lost her. Lift with out her seems so very empty for me, I have qucation but there is no one who could answer them for me only her.I feel so very lost and I can't find my way anymore with out her. I know she would want me to feel this way but I do .I go to her grave and try to let it all out but it doesn't .I feel like I did something in my life for her to be taken from us, I know everyone says it was her time but I think it was the cancer.
I hope my post doesn't upset anyone ,I need to do something with this whole thing but it is a very long story for me to write. I thought if I post this it would help start to get it all out.@ this point I just don't know what is right for me anymore.

(((RedRose)))

Anniversaries are really hard..be gentle with yourself during this time of grieving and rememberance

(((Red Rose))) sorry to hear...

red_rose

i lost my mum to cancer too, and even though it was over ten years ago (i was only 17) i still find it hurts a lot around the time of her death ... this year i was in Malaysia for a work conference and would you believe i *forgot* the day ... i was so upset with myself.

i guess i feel lucky that i had an awesome mum and i have a wonderful dad who is everything to my sister and i ... i guess all i can say is appreciate the people who ARE in your life ...

as an aside thank you for your emails to me today, you are going thru so much and i didn't realise till i read this.

hugs

dsf.

Here is my mother's Story, Please note that this way happing at the time,If there is any qucation I'll be happy
to answer them through a pm. I put this on there hoping someone would understand why my mother's death is so hard for me.
Here is her story.

Mom's story begains in the mid 1980's ,Mom went to the doctor for regular
check ups but it was more then that.Mom found a lump in one of her breast,So
the doctor sent her for tests , The tests came back with something on her
mammogram.The doctor called her back in . to find out what it was they were
not shure what is was so mom went Buffalo to Roswellpark for a second opinion
to see what they thought it was. Mom had a biopsy done .The pathologist
report came back as postive for cancer. Mom under went mastectomy . Her
recovery was long. I was in 8 th grade when all this started it was hard to
take care of mom and go to school too.In 1991 I was in high school by this
time . Mom went for regular check ups . This time the mammogram didn't show
anything ,The doctor had felt something in her other breast . Mom went for
more tests back to Roswell and another biopsy , We wait again to see what
this one is. Shure enough it was back , The cancer had back a second time.
We all thought here cancer we gone again. Mom had a nothet mastectomy . The
road to recovery was harder this time then the first time. I was in high
school and working and taking care of mom all at the sametime . I helped mom
through the recovery and rehab. I n the mid 1990's mom went for her routine
pap tests came back . They found pilpes, She wnt back to Roswell
for a 3rd. time. Roswell said that mom's pilpes had more then a 50%
chance to turn into cancer . Mom under went surgary she spent 5 days in
Buffalo. She came home from the surgary. Mom needed alot of help on her
recovery . Her needs were from bathing to getting dressed. At one point
mom's insions had drained to a point I had to but a other dressing on it.
She went to the doctor and the doctor had to ask her who put the dressing on
her. Mom said her youngest daughter did. The doctor couldn't beleve it , He
said what a good job I did. I was in my nurses aide couse at this time.It
took her more then 6 months to heal from this.We thought this was the end of
of mom's cancer.
From 1996- 2003 Mom was cancer free.Everything was going good for her
with no signs of cancer.Then in October 17
2003 . Mom call calls me to tell meThat the cancer had come back . I didn't
know what to say at this point except that we would go through this
together.Mom cancer had come back but had spread to the lungs, Which we were
dealing with lung cancer On Dec. 20 mom has a port put in ,We new by this
time she would start chemo .She started chemo right after x-mas. I was with
here through all the chemo's. . Mom went through 8 differnt chemo's nothing
was working to shink the tumors .In
July of this 2004 The doctor told her they wanted to try radition to
try to shrink her tumors. Mom started radition for 6 weeks she went through
radition . It had shurnk the tumors in half. Mom has 4 tumors in the left
and 1 tumor in the right lung.
The doctors told us that they could not cure mom's cancer but they can
controll it. Through all this I have been with her every
step of the way. I have been mom's caregiver right from the start. When I
learned about my mom's cancer I couldn't beleve it
could happen to us. Cancer has had a inpacked are lives. On aug 17, 2002 I
lost my grandfather to lung cancer. Through all this I have been caring for
them . I have learned that caring is a big part in all this. Knowing that
your doing somthing for someone else is rewarding enough . This this my
mom's story .

Written By her daughter

UpDate
On February 24 2005
I was told my mother cancer had moved more then they thought. The cancer is taking over my mother's body and mind .I was told my mother is dying .I don't know much time she has.Now they are doing more radition just to make her more comfortable. There is nothing more they can do to save my mother.Cancer is taking one more person.My mother fought with all might and cancer is to strong to anymore.It is a matter of time befor the lord takes my mother. Ijust hope she doesn't suffer, I want it to be quick so my mother doesn't suffer.

update
May 05
My mo broke here hip was in the hospical .When she was in there the did more tests on my mom and found ot my mom had a brian tumor and the cancer had moved .We were told that there was no more treatment for her .They were going to try rads to help with her pain but the rads weren't helping .I was told my mom was dying.We brought her home. We have hopsice helping us .With in less then 2 months my mom has gone downhill very fast.I am told my mom has days to live.My mom has fought cancer till the ever end .My mom was a fighter that never gave up ,She thought she would beat it.Mom was very brave and strong .She never let cancer get the best of her. On june 29, 2005 10:30 pm Mom's battle with cancer is over, She can't finaily rest in peace knowing that she did all she could to do to stay alive. My mother gave it her all but the cancer took over very thing. For me I'm glad my mom is out of pain and she can rest.

My mom died from cancer, too. Everything you expressed in your post is how I feel about my mom, too.

Only time will make it better. It's been almost 2 years since my mom passed. I hate cancer!

The way I feel is in a song call Untiled by simple plan ,If you know the song then you would know that is about what I feel about this and my life. The way I feel sence she has been gone I feel like I don't belong anywhere not even here.

Im so sorry to hear about your mum Red. I lost my mum too, but not to cancer, my mum died suddenly and though my grandad and an aunt have died of cancer and my gran of another illness, inever had to watch it close up or take care of anyone, so I dont know how that feels, I cant even guess as I have never really seen cancer at work.

What I do relate to in your post is your not being able to cry. Both my sister and myself couldnt cry after my mums funeral, we were too sad to cry, and everyone else bawling kind of disturbed us, we were very young at the time. I remember my sister saying that she felt that if she were to start crying, she would never be able to stop.

Maybe this is how you feel. I still dont cry very much years on about anything, and I have a need to get it all out and feel some relief and be able to show what I am going through and experiance it myself, instead of being numb and frozen.

But for you, you have had to be so strong for so long and keep all your feelings so locked up in order to be the care giver it must be doubly hard.

maybe let it out in little bits. Writing your post was a step in letting yourself grieve.

And you sound like such an amzing person reading your post, your mum must be so proud of you, whatever you do now in life, you can always say that you were there for your mum when she needed it the most, and thats such a huge thing in life, all religion teaches us to honour our mothers after all, you did that.

All I can say is hold on in there, through your darkest days, it will get better, and at least she isnt fighting her cancer now.

you take care.

((((((RED))))))

Life seems to get harder and harder when you loose a parent (s) I am only in my 30's I never thought life would be so hard with out her. I think of her everyday and the last year. When I lost her it made things harder for me .I am the youngest out of 3 of us including myself but I also have to be the oldest too at the sametime. With out my mother my job with my sibblings just got harder , O how I wish I had her advice on alot of things right now .Every nite sence that day I have played everything over and over in my head even when I a sleep I have dreams about everything that happen . I feel so bad and I miss my mother so very much, I wish I had some sign from her just to know she is ok and checking up on us,but there is no sign of her ,I guess I never know if she is around. It has been very hard to help with my sibbles deal with this espeacaly my sister ,We lost the best part of our life,now there is no one to look out for us anymore, we have no family to help us deal with this. we are very lost with out her and we miss her very deeply.