Mother's Day

I will grieve the death of my father. He will be gone one year.

I've never really grieved his death alot...denial? It still feels impossible. Yet...I feel the tidal wave building...

(((KimmyDawn)))

Thank you ((((((((((((Clyde)))))))))))))

kd

((((kd)))) hon the first year is the hardest. it does get easier as time goes on though. I know the first year my mom was gone was horrible! all those "first" yuck!

thank you for sharing ((((((((((elaine))))))))))))

it's been...dreamlike? thank you again.

kd

yes hon it is very dream like. I don't remember my mom's funeral at all. she has been gone almost 13 yrs now and I still can not remember it. I just read your poem. reminds me why I never wanted to marry a marine. I am so sorry for all your pain hon.

thank you again elaine. i'm sorry for your pain as well...

kd

no thanks needed hon...we are in this together!

Bebop,
That is very true, the "firsts" are the hardest, when I lost my dad in 2002, many people who I met that had lost someone close to them, told me that.
There was someone here awhile back that said, "it doesn't get easier, it's just that we sort of are forced to accept it", which also made sense as the couple of years have past.
Each person has different kinds of relationships, my oldest brother, kept making it sound that he was most sad, and missed my dad more, cause he spent more years with him, and worked years with him at the same company. The other brother sort of would rag on to me with that too, till I set the 2 of them straight. See, so I am the youngest, and the only girl, did they think my heart didn't break? Do they think their history with dad was anymore meaningful than mine? They both came to realize that their little sister's heart was breaking, and I told them, everyone's relationship was different and special, but because they were born way before me, didn't mean my feelings and relationship with my dad and I, didn't count, and I told them this was not a contests of who was hurting more.
I'm rambling, and I apologize, this thread just clicked with me, and I wanted to share some of the different things grieving can do to us, and to stress to anyone who has lost a loved one, that there are no certain time limits on grieving, there are no rules, rather to cry,not cry,miss or not miss someone tremendously or not, etc.
KD, just let it all come, if you find yourself weeping, it's okay, if you feel you may be in denial, that's okay too, we are individuals and are effected in different ways, when we lose a loved one.
Every now and then, especially as mom gets rushed in and out of hospitals, I go to the phone, as if I was going to call my dad, like I use to everyday. In the begining I found it weird, how I felt so much that I could call him and chat, even though I knew he was dead, maybe that was denial or not, maybe just the need to talk to him was so strong, my mind was in conflict? I don't know, but it has changed my life, forever.
Take care now,
DE

(((((((((( KD,Bebop, and everyone here ))))))))))))

I couldn't agree more DE. well said!!

(((((((((( Bebop )))))))))

Thanks so very much.

(((((((((((((((((roe)))))))))))))))))))

thank you for sharing in such an intimate way. yes, i'm the only daughter of my father. we share that as well.

thank you for reinforcing that this can go "any way" and knowing me, it probably will. i might cry now, and not give it a second thought on "the day".

i have such regret...such regret. no, i didn't see my father for 14 yrs. I couldn't. I didn't know where he was. He would call once in a while drunk...

the thing is, I let my mother's anger and stories blot out the GREAT memories that i had of him...memories i didn't recover until he was dying.

his dancing eyes...dancing with the only true love i'd felt as a child, dancing with pride, dancing with humor over my actions, dancing with pure love. The moments spent on his lap feeling safer than a body could ever feel were the best. My father was blamed for more than he deserved. He would take me to work with him and show me off. he would take me for special times at his job while an MP and put the tv in the car and rub my hair till i fell asleep...just me and him. i was his "china doll". any true feelings of love, pride, safety and happiness came from that man and reflected in eyes brilliant and dancing...

his same dancing eyes looked to me when he was ill and passing. i was supposed to be watching him and i'd doze off and wake up to his eyes on me...saying SOOOOOOOO MUCH. every conversation, every look, said "i love you". he thanked me for not letting him die alone. i miss my daddy today.

just before he passed, i took my oldest daughter to see him and he got incredibly confused. he told me that he thought he was in heaven because she looked like an angel... she looked just like me and that the perfect angel was his "kimmy dawn".

kd

(((((((( KD ))))))))))
This is truly touching, I relate to some of the things, like when my mom worked on weekends, dad and I would go out places, well mostly things like he liked, he was an airplane buff, a WWII vet, so often we went to airports, or down to Fort Dix and some other bases when there were shows, then my brothers would even come, they loved planes and trains, mostly vintage ones. Some times we would just go for rides out in the country,(I'd never imagine I'd be living now in a lovely,rural area)then go to a diner for supper, dad didn't cook, ha!ha! After time, we would even plan,get tickets for various outdoor jazz fests, as a teen my bf(my husband) and I would take dad to them for a Father's Day treat, and as Father's day approaches once again, I feel an emptiness, but it has gotten better, I can go into a card shop,pass the section for "dad cards" and not fall apart or as I did once, run out the store. So, it's getting better, but all in time, I haven't made any deadlines.
Oh, I can go on forever, as others can too, about fond memories. I'm sorry to hear your mom blotted out things, unfortunately when parents do not get along they may not realize but the impact of their angers can get imbedded in a child's mind, poisoning one against the other. In fact when I was a child, they almost seperated, things were ugly, and mom would make nasty remarks about him when he'd be at work to me. So many things were erupting back then,my oldest brother had just had his first nervous breakdown,in and out of hospitals,etc. so I think that strained mom and dad's marriage. Somehow we all managed to get through it all.
I am happy for you, that you do have good memories of your dad, even if unfortunately, they were limited.
To hold our deceased loved ones in our memory,and hearts, gives them eternal life, for they shall never die.
I miss my dad soooooooooooo much, I talk of him everyday, and it has brought me comfort to share with my son, grandpa's old cranky sayings, he remembers my dad too, he use to sit and tell my son stories and even draw trains and airplanes for him.
Keeping these memories have helped me keep my sanity, I hope you and all who are reading this will always keep in mind, that are fond memories, moments spent, stay in our "files" and we can choose whenever we wish to pull files out and cherish them, when we want to, and no one can take that away from us.
Take time for yourself to just sit and go down memory lane when you wish, we all need to do that from time to time.
And if you need some tissues, heck, that's alright too.

Take care,
Roe

((((((((((((((kd))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss. Darkeyes is so right. You don't get over something like that, but you learn to live with it. I wish you peace with this and happy thoughts. My best to you my friend.

Hi KD -

Grief is a funny thing.

Gosh my only sibling and brother died 32 years ago, and my cousin said something to me this week that opened up the whole thing again. I think it is still hard for me to accept my older brother who I idolized is truly gone.

Everyone grieves different losses on their own schedule.

No wonder the loss of your step father was so difficult for you. Probably, at the back of your mind a little voice was saying, "Hello, you haven't grieved your biological Dad yet."

Please PM me anytime. I have lost my whole family, so I have a lot of experience with grief.

Hugs, love and prayers,
EJ

kd and de we all have something in common. I too am the only girl. although I will be 49 here in a couple of weeks my dad still tells everyone I am his baby. he will be 77 this yr and I know I won't keep him forever and I don't know how in the world I will go on after he goes.

I still pick up the phone or at least go to it and want to call mom. she also talked bad about my dad but thank goodness I knew the difference in them. he is the good one. I am here if either of you need to talk any time!

This is my frist Mother's Day with out my mothey who died in June of that last year and I can tell you it will be hard on all of us becouse we have this day with out her but will will honor our mother in a nother way.

((((((((((((((red rose)))))))))))))))

wishes to you...

kd

Thank You (( K.D.))))