[EJ711]

I'm starting this thread for anybody who wants to write about their fathers.

Father's Day is always hard.

My Father has been gone for 15 years now. I loved my Father very much, but we weren't close until later in life. He was very old fashioned and didn't want me to go to college, even though I was an excellent student. This made it harder for me to succeed in life, I did eventually get a chance to go back to college, but I was always behind people my own age. Can't go backwards -- can only go forward. I'm glad I have faith in God, b/c otherwise I would have given up long before now.

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. Like many of you, I wish things had been different between us. While I am bright, I have always been lacking in the confidence department. I think it's fathers through their involvement with their daughters that give a girl her confidence. This same confidence can help protect girls in the future against men who do not have their best interest at heart., or may want to use them.

Hugs,

EJ

[(JD)]

I'll join. Not only is it time for "father's day" but we buried my dad on July 1st 12 years ago. While most dads wanted real Father's Day gifts and made fun of the standard gifts... my dad was most happy with new work socks. His Scot thriftiness was obviously the reason

He visits me in my dreams from time to time... he is never part of the dream, mind you, but sticks his head around a fence or through a doorway -totally out of the blue- and asks, How ya doing xxxx? I always say OK Pop! And he disappears and the regular theme of the dream continues as if nothing had happened. (No one else in the dream ever comments or such..I never ask because he's just like sitting in a chair in the livingroom reading when someone walks through and talks to you. You stop your reading, reply, and then go on with the book story.) It's such a neat experience, and very real.

So while I can become quite sad if I dwell on his being gone... he isn't really.

[Evangelista]

Good thread...

I had to remove my Father from life support about 2 years ago. Until my 20's my memories of him were normal childhood bonding moments..trips to the zoo, trick or treating on Halloween with me on his shoulders..He was in the Air Force, and he used to bring home the neatest surprises when he flew overseas..then something happened at age 6-7 that my mom divorced him...I lost the memory of what had happened until I was 21..then after a Traumatic event it came back..

Anyway..I got a call from an Aunt that the Red Cross was trying to get a hold of me, my father who I had not seen in almost 38 years had suffered a stroke, I am going to make a very grueling and long story short..by just stating it was the most heart wrenching and confusing time for me and is what brought me into therapy.

I dont understand, and feel so conflicted around this time..most of my childhood I was hoping he would come and rescue me and my sisters from our abusive stepfather, then to come to terms with the memory of why my mother divorced him, and then to be contacted out of the blue that he was dying and on life support..I could not face him in death, and had the physician removed him from the machines, no one else in our family wanted anything to do with it, the hospital was calling me every couple of days telling me the torture his body was going thru and that no one deserved to die like this..so all I asked was for a clergyman to be present because no one..NO ONE..deserves to die alone..

Well, Dad, this ones for you..

I miss you, I love you, but I dont understand why...

Thanks for this thread EJ.
I'd like mine to be a letter to my father.

Hey Dad,

I've had 12 years to think of you. I've thought of your gambling addiction and how it nearly ruined us when I was 13 years old and you had your first massive heart attack-5 days in intensive care, two more weeks in the hospital, without insurance to pay the astronomical medical bills. Mom's humilitation in having to use food stamps-- then her anger especially at anything that had to do with you.

I didn't really get to know you-- you were so busy working 6 days a week and then using the money you made to gamble, I knew even if you didn't leave the house, you were still gambling...... I heard you on the phone with the "bookies".

I do wonder why you spent all your time working or doing "other" things and not with your kids. I used to wish you would come to just one teacher conference, or listen to me when I'd had a bad day.......... Why did you trust him and leave me there?............. When I started dating, where was the guidance I needed to help me in standing up for myself?......... Why couldn't I lean on you in such rough times as a young adult?

I realize now, you had your reasons....... found out your childhood was tough and sad for you, I guess you didn't know any better.

I dreamt of you just after you passed. Mind you, I'm not a spiritual person in the religious sense.... so this dream-- being different from how I think --has really stuck with me all these years.

You were standing there on a hill that was covered with tall flowing grass. A close family friend was with you (he'd passed 10 years before). "How are you doing mandy?" you asked. I started to answer and then the family friend said he had to go. You looked so sad.... I stopped talking and asked, "where is he going?" in which you replied, "he's going beyond". You actually had a tear in your eye-- something I had never seen! You stated how so very lonely you were. I said to you, "well, go with him" and your reply "I can't, I haven't mastered the answers to my wrongs yet."........ then, I started to float away. I told you goodbye and to try hard and maybe you could "go beyond" too someday.

I wonder now, 12 years later...... did you "go beyond"?

[EJ711]

Sky -

That is such a cool story!! It sounds like you were close to him.

I've had dreams where I was with my Dad and we were spending time together. I love those kind of dreams where you get to visit with someone who is usually dead, and you're with them again, at least in your dreams.

Hugs,

EJ

[EJ711]

Evangelista,

That is such a moving story.

Hugs,

EJ

[EJ711]

Mandy,

That's an amazing letter too.

I have heard that when we go to Heaven, family and friends who passed before us are there to greet us.

Hugs,

EJ

[Kalamity]

Thank you for starting this thread. Father's Day is very hard for me. My father died in April, 10 years ago. One of the memories I have of him, which has always been emotional for me (for reasons I don't understand) is of sitting on an old railroad bridge, where my father took the entire family, to watch the fireworks on the Fourth of July. It's like I'm bombarded with emotion from April through July.

He was not a perfect man, or father, but he was a family man at heart (that is my feeling). He was also an alcoholic and the rest of my family only thinks of him in those terms. He's remembered by the others as some sort of monster. I remember all the good things about him, though I don't use them to deny the bad things. They, on the other hand, remember the bad to the point of denying the good.

I miss you daddy. I miss all the wonderful and good things about you. I even miss the long nights of dancing to all your records after you'd been out drinking half the night. I'm sorry that I cannot forget or forgive mother's lies and abuse, but you and I both were more deserving. Rest in peace daddy for I will always remember the truth.

[Sabrina]

My gentlest thoughts to everyone in this thread ... and all those to come.

This is from my journal ... when my Dad died. (2004) *** TRIGGER ***

Well, I have just finished designing the order of service phamplets. Actually, they are not that, they're simply a Celebration of His Life. Dad would die all over again if there was an "order of service".
I am very good on the computer with these sorts of things (another talent from Dad) and feel very honoured to have offered this little act of love. They look nice with a photo of him with his beloved miniture railway coaches on the front and back. Trains and builing model railways were his passion. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought.

After I went back to the hospital on Wednesday, it became clear that time had run out. I am so glad that I decided to go back so early. I would not have been there when he took his last breath if I had stayed at work.

I sat with him for the rest of the afternoon, just holding his hand. (I had no idea he looked after his nails like that!!) At 3pm the nurse said that it was now critical and that it would be indignant to prolong his suffering. The medications were slowly turned off. He was really battling to breath, even with the ventilator. While the ventilator was not switched off, it was turned down very, very slowly, so as not to cause him any discomfort as his breathing became more laboured. At about 4.15, we knew it was minutes. His wife could not cope with the gasping and did not want to see him die so she waited outside. At this point, he was still fighting a bit. I went close to his ear and whispered that it was ok to go. I told him that he was not failing anyone by giving up the struggle. That it really was ok to end the suffering. I promised that I would look after myself, my brother and his wife. He died 10 minutes later.

The lights were dimmed and the alarms on the machines were switched off and at 4.40pm I held and kissed dad's hand and looked into his face as he took his last breath. I stayed with him a while then left for the usual phone calls etc. He had been cleaned up and the pipes removed at this point and I went back to spend more time with him. He looked peaceful. He was clammy but so warm. So warm. I could still smell the dove soap smell of him on my hands the next day.

I kept my composure throughout. Of course I cried but I realise now just how much strength I used to remain the supportive one at the hospital. I only allowed myself to breakdown later that night. I have coped with all of this even though I am inbetween medication!!

This is an experience that will be with me for the rest of my life. After the gut wrenching sobs and pain pain pain, goodness my heart felt just quite crushed, I can turn around and say that it was indeed an honour and a priveledge to be with him as he took his last breath. It still feels so surreal. I know I am going to cry a lot more. Monday is going to be hard. A very simple, poignant service has been planned. Dad was not at all religious so we have chosen a humanitarian to officate. He was not a flower person so we will decorate the chapel with some of his train coaches. We have placed his unopened magazine that he was waiting for and that arrived the day after he died in his casket. We will light some candles and might even burn insence. He liked incense.

I am fairly composed today but feel very numb. I didn't think I would, but I miss him terribly. I am storing up some more strength cells for Monday. I will not break down when I sing. I will not!

Like a fire sputtering a last few sparks, I have also fizzled out. I don't know what more to say even though I have so much more to say.

In celebration and loving memory of my father, who was only 58, I dedicate this to him.

[Sabrina]

I am feeling the need to share - another entry from my journel.

Long and TRIGGERING!

It was this exact time last week that I learned of my father being ill. A day later he was gone.

The service is now over and I guess daily routine needs to be resumed and life has to go on. But I will never be the same again. I don't mean that in a bad way. This whole experience has affected me very deeply. I truly did not expect to feel the crushing pain that I did. I don't feel that I need to turn the clock back, but I do wish that I could speed up the grieving process a little.

The service was brief but very poignant. There were few people, but dad did not socialise much. There was one man that stood out to me. He was an old, stooped gentleman with a hearing aid and a walking stick, wearing a pin stripe suit and looking quite distinguished. I was told that my father had been teaching him computer literacy in the last few months. He is 94 years old. I was deeply touched by this. Not only by a 94 year old learning the computer, but by dad doing something like this. It is just something I never would have expected him to do.

Anyway, the service was officiated by a woman that we called a "spiritualist". She spoke of my father going onto a greater experience. I opened the service with my song. I stood right next to his casket and sang. I almost "divorced" myself from the situation just to remain composed. And I did. In fact, I remained composed throughout and only shed my tears at home. My song was very moving to all and my dad's wife said it described them so well. At the end, I leaned over and kissed his casket. (My poor husband thought my hair might catch alight on the candle). We had no flowers, as dad wasn't flowery, but there was greenery on the mantle piece with 6 candles and sandlewood incense was burning.

We placed tracks and one of his prized coaches on the casket with his favourite Snoopy (Joe Cool) character on the coach. It was very fitting and exactly what he would have wanted.

My brother flew in from half way across the world and it was good to have him there. He spoke very eloquently for our dad.

And then it was time to go. I actually didn't want to leave the casket. I didn't want to leave him behind. But I will let the memories of his love and the happy times we knew, ease the loss and make him seem very close to me.

We recorded the service and it was only when I watched this at home, that I allowed the tears to come.

My husband has not left my side through all of this. He has been an indestructable support to me and has not stopped telling me how proud he is of me and how proud he is of my strength. (I don't need to tell him how totally wobbly inside I still feel, I think he knows).

******************

My Dad's wife will be scattering his ashes tomorrow. Naturally I had wanted to go. All of a sudden I am feeling that I don't think I can. I was with him when he died and spent a half hour with him when he was dead. And then I knew he was there at the service when I kissed the coffin. Now I don't know if I can see him disappear completely in a puff of wind. I absolutely don't know what I feel. I am terrified. It is so final. I need to be there and I don't want to do it and I don't know what to do.

********************

I did not go ... and I have never regretted this. I have a beautiful DVD of my brother and Dad's Mom and Dad doing what I felt I couldn't be a part of.

Rest in Peace Dad of Mine!

[Sabrina]

And now I am feeling very guilty for hogging this thread!!

But, EJ, I thank you for starting it ... and my heart and love, and thoughts are with everyone here!!

[EJ711]

Sabrina -

That's why I started it, so those of us who need to express their thoughts and feelings can.

Love and hugs,

EJ

[Sabrina]

Thank you EJ - I have more journal entries ... but I will wait ... and be fair. After all .... Dad probably would have expected as much from me!

[EJ711]

Sabrina -

Expected what? Being fair or sharing your journals.

Do you still journal?

Hugs and love,

EJ

[bebop]

what a story Sabrina! so warm and loving!

to all the others of the club here I am so sorry for your losses.
I am very thankful I still have my dad. I did spend the day with him today at church and at home. He is the sweetest kindest man I have ever known and I have no idea how I will handle it when he goes.

[EJ711]

Elaine -

Just keep making memories -- the way you did today. They will sustain you someday when he goes Home.

Hugs,

EJ

[Rhapsody]

Sabrina,

((((((( HUGS ))))))) - to a BRAVE and BEAUTIFUL Woman........

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bebop]

EJ you know it hon!

[KrisKris]

I like your thread.... my dad about 4 months ago... not much to say... i miss him

[EJ711]

Hi Kris,

Glad you found this thread.

I think the first year is the hardest, and of course the first Father's Day without your Dad.

Did you father die suddenly, or did you have a little more time to digest what was happening. It's hard either way -- there's no easy way to let those that we love so much leave us -- even when we know they are going to a better place, or even when they have hurt us or not been as kind and loving as we would have liked.

Welcome to PC!! I'm glad you found us. Lot's of great people here ready to listen and care.

Hugs,

EJ

[Estee1]

My Father was not around. I never got to see him. He had to leave shortly after I was born. He died almost 5 years ago. I never got to go to the funeral and I never got to talk to him. I have a few photos though. I always had a dream that I would get to meet him and know him. But that's never going to happen now.

[Sabrina]

I am so sorry Estee!

[EJ711]

Estee,

I'm so sorry you didn't get to know your Father in this life.

Hugs,

EJ

[mlyn]

been 32 years without my father. I know very little of him. I know that I craved for his affection and that is it. I remember him standing in front of me saying he was going to the doctors. He never came back. died of cancer.

[eskielover]

EJ,

I put my Pop's memorial under the "memorial thread". Didn't realize this thread was the place to put my thoughts, but both threads are wonderful. I really appreciated being able to express things about my Pops that I never realized before going through everything at my mothers home after she died.

Thanks,
Debbie