[Lexicon78]

My brother is in charge of my mom's estate, along with my grandfather's estate.

Today we went to his house for a cook out. It was ok...till I saw all the stuff he's selling at his yard sale. All of mom's stuff! I saw price tags on her clothes and my heart felt like someone ripped it out and stomped on it and tore it up! Tears started welling up in my eyes and I had to just leave the yard and go to the front of the house. It was too much for me to handle.

After almost 2 years (it will be 2 years August 11th), I'm still not ready to let go. I keep everything my mom ever owned or touched or meant something to her. I have some of her blankets, her spring jacket, all her pictures (especially of ones with her in them at various ages), some of her furniture, etc. I see her stuff and I can either see her wearing them or using them in some way. I have such an unwillingness to let go...and it's even worse where my dad is concerned.

Like with my dad I'm super attached to everything that reminds me of him or that he owns...well pretty much the same thing with how I am with my mom's stuff.

I try to let go and nothing happens...nothing is being let go of. It's that way with everything in my life. Nobody taught me how to let go of things while I was growing up so now I can't even begin to let go of things.

Mom's memory is not enough for me. Knowing that she is no longer in pain does not comfort me. It's like I have to be with her to be comforted at all. I can't be comforted if there's not that physical connection. Words, memories, and stuff like that do not comfort me...they only create more pain or a feeling that someone has no clue about any of it.

Just give me my mom back. That will solve everything.

[EJ711]

Hi Lexicon,

I wouldn't have liked that either.

Didn't you say your relationship with your Mom was very limited. I believe this is why all of the material things you have left from her are so precious to you. I have heard that for those of us who either had a painful or incomplete relationship with our mothers, this is what happens. It is very hard to move past the loss as other people do. A good therapist may be able to help.

Love,

EJ

[desirae]

I know exactly what you mean. I have every single thing my Grandmother has ever given to me, and some of the things she's owned herself. I have a pair of Nike sandals she gave me when I was in the seventh grade, they're all tore up, but I still wear them to this day. I also have a purse she gave me as a child, and many other things. I won't even throw out broken tore up coffee cups she once owned because they remind me of her.

My mom had a garage sale only a couple months after my Grandmother passed with a lot of my Grandmothers stuff. I'll be honest I was very pissed and threw a little fit. My mom wanted the money for drugs, that's what pissed me off the most. Later, before anything was sold, I asked my mom if I could go through and have the things I wanted that reminded me of my Grandma. Of course she said no because she needed drugs, but when she wasn't looking I got everything I wanted anyway.

Make sure you get the things that are dear to you. I mean it's not necessary to keep every single thing, although painful. But I think it is important to keep whats dear and hold important memories. Ask your brother if you can have those things, if it's not to late to get them. He may understand.

[heatherm]

((((((((Lexi)))))))))

I understand how you feel. I went through the same thing just a few weeks ago...I was driving by my brother's house and he was having a yard sale...I didn't know it was his house (we are not that close ) and I saw my Mom's rocking chair. I pulled over and he almost died when he saw me. I put my hand on the chair and said how much - he said $20 and I passed him the money and put Mom's chair in my car and drove off. It was when I got home and sat in her chair that it hit me.

If you can talk to him...tell him that there may be a couple of things that you would like to have. He may be willing to let you have something.

I understand how you feel...and my heart goes out to you. I sit in Mom's chair and close my eyes...I can see her rocking my boys in it like she used to before she died.

[BetseyK]

(((Lex)))

I was like that with my husband's grandmother's things. The things she loved COULDN'T be sold. Because selling those things was selling HER. I have much of her furniture, china and the knickknacks she loved in our home. If I had her things.. I thought... I could still have her surrounding me. Then my own grandmother moved into a nursing home-- I couldn't bear to let go of her things...she was an artist... I have over 150 of her paintings in my home. I couldn't bear to have her art sold. I have her hair pins; I have pieces of her china. I have the "family things" that no other family would understand.

Then I was the executor of my brother's estate. He had exquisite taste, and the thought of selling it all made me physically ill. He died quite unexpectedly and although I sold many of his fine antiques, I am surrounded by my brother's things. I carried them 500 miles by the vanful to my house. I have everyone else's things.. yes.. things... in my now getting cluttered home.

Then my own daughter died at 16. It has been 20 months now. And you know...

Things are things. We live among everyone else's THINGS.. and there is no room in our home for things we see at arts festivals and traveling.. that WE LOVE.

When we die, no one will have to get rid of OUR THINGS, because OUR THINGS are everyone else's.

Now I look for opportunities to make these THINGS do for others. I sent most of Sarah's clothing to Katrina victims. I kept only a few special pieces. I sent all the fake jewelry she adored to other young teens who could adore them too. Before I send things I take pictures of them. That way I don't lose the memory.

It is one thing to hang on to things you love, because YOU love them, but when you hold on to things that other people loved all the sudden you find yourself surrounded by other people's lives.

Much love...
Betsey

Betsey, what a wonderful and loving soul you are.....that was a beau iful post and something to remember for myself. pat

[darkeyes]

((((((( Lex )))))))))))
I know how you feel, clearing out items of a loved one,and selling their home, can be heart wrenching.
After my dad passed on, the hardest was clearing his clothes out of the closet and drawers, my brother and eye sat down on the closet floor and cried for hours.
Dad, really didn't have much of other things, but the things dearest we kept, his TV was too big to bring back up north so I gave it to my mom's friend, who is also mine, for her kids, they picked it up with their pick up and are still grateful till this day.
They knew my dad and miss him as if he was one of their family members.
I'm sending you some vibes of peace and healing, it takes time. I miss my dad and will forever, but he will always live in my heart and memories.
Realizing this and accepting it gives me some comfort and strength to carry on.
Take care,
DE

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((Lexicon))))))))))) I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.

My husband died 10 years ago. I held on to everything as well, every check he wrote, every fiber he looked at, wore, touched, you name it.

It takes time. After about 7 years, I was able to start going through things, little by little. Some things I was able to pass on to others or get rid of, some things went back into a box, closet, drawer. Now, after 10 years, I am still going through the last things. Each time I decide to go through things, the more I am able to heal, just a little bit more. Grief takes its own time and every single person is different. It doesn't mean someone loved that person more or less. There is no right or wrong.

I am now to the point where it's freeing to give things away to others that can use them. But, I wasn't there before. I have known people to give loved one's things away within the first year. They loved their loved ones just as much.

Be gentle to yourself. There is no time limit to our healing. I wish you gentle and peaceful days as you heal.