miss you, Rabbit

Today is the first anniversary of the death of one of my dearest friends. His name was John, but he bred rabbits and collected stuffed ones and actually kind of looked like one, LOL, so he picked up the nickname that way.

I still don't really believe it's possible he's gone. I've been to his grave a couple of times, and usually that makes it more real for me, but not with him. I look at the dates on the headstone, and I look at the ground, and I think "You aren't really there. This didn't really happen." His spirit is still so present to me that I keep expecting him to walk around the corner, or hear his voice, or be able to go to a ball game or dinner with him. I've had a year to adjust to this, and I'm totally not adjusted.

I have nothing but good memories, which is a gift. John was all about laughter and joy and fun. Even when I was in the depths of the abyss, he could find a way to make me laugh and try to get me out of it. We had differences of opinion, but we never argued, and I never heard him raise his voice, to me or to anyone -- he always believed the best about people and granted them the right to their views.

It's a year later, and every time I pass a cute stuffed bunny, I think "oh, I should buy that for John," and then am devastated when I realize I can't. I think of things to tell him, and realize I can't. We had a tradition of always going to a Brewers-Cardinals game, since we were both St. Louisans living in Milwaukee, and I haven't been able to go since he died, even though it was always the highlight of the season for me, because it's just not the same without him. We went to one right after he got sick, and he was so disoriented from the meds that it was a really disturbing experience for me. I haven't been back.

I know he had an eye on me while I was so sick and I believe he helped me get through it. But not being able to see him, touch him, hear him, just hurts.



Candy

I'm sorry for your loss and pains. It's hard to lose such a strong influence in our lives. It hurts, I know that feeling. But it helps me to remember that without memories and even hurtful memories the person no longer exist in any form, memories is how we keep our friends and family alive after they are gone. You seem to have many good memories with your friend. Always hold on to them and keep your friend in your heart.

{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}} Would it help if I said I know how you feel? I had a friend named Neil. He died a couple years ago. But the strangest thing! I feel closer to him now, I can talk to him now whenever I want or need.

When he first died, I truly believe he came to visit me. He was with me for several days. His face would super-impose itself on whatever I was looking at. Even now, if I really need his opinion or thoughts on something, if I quiet down and listen, I know what he would say.

Still, though, I miss his silliness, his sarcastic remarks, his threat to keep me at the mental institution where he worked as a psych nurse. I miss his hugs.

I can't imagine, though, missing a big function. It must be a hole in your very being. There are some things that are only shared with ONE person. It's just not good with anyone else.

But I know the comfort a friend (or the memory of) can bring when we're in dire straights.

I "commune" with Neil, but it's bitter sweet. I can't touch him, I can't feel his touch; no hugs, no kisses, no mewling kitten like when I hugged him.

I'm with you, Girlfriend!

PS When Neil died, Wisewoman told me to talk about him as long and as much as I needed. She was truly wise in giving me that advise.

Talk to us, Candy. We're listening.

I am very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have good memories!

Have no words to say that would bring comfort, but sending you some of these:

(((((((((( candybear ))))))))))))))

{{{{{{CandyBear}}}}}}

Anniversaries of deaths are very hard. This month marks the anniversaries of both of mother's parents and her brother (all gone for several years) and I see her having a very hard time this month as well.

And yes, talk away to us, hon.

I know, death is so very final and life is so fleeting.
It's hardly there and then it's gone.
I am sad too.
G.

HUGE HUGS for you CandyBear, it is hard to lose someone so dear to you. its a familiar feeling to me too.

I suppose you've heard that saying "the best die young", i agree with that statement, and if you believe in god (i do and dont really, bit of both) then you could tell yourself that god wanted this person up there with him because he/she is such a blessing to heaven. to be able to say you knew someone with so much energy, and flare for the good things in life is a proud thing to say.

People live on through memories and pictures, it might help you to gather some of your favourite photos of "Rabbit" and make a little album for him as a little tribute to him. and keep it in your house and when you feel low and you need a chat with him, open the album and talk to the photos. it does help.

I quote:
"I still don't really believe it's possible he's gone. I've been to his grave a couple of times, and usually that makes it more real for me, but not with him. I look at the dates on the headstone, and I look at the ground, and I think 'You aren't really there. This didn't really happen.' His spirit is still so present to me that I keep expecting him to walk around the corner, or hear his voice, or be able to go to a ball game or dinner with him. I've had a year to adjust to this, and I'm totally not adjusted".
It takes many years to adjust to someones absence, so dont force yourself into thinking you should have adjusted and recovered from it now, because you wont have, it really does take years for the heart to recover from such a trauma of loosing someone so close to you.

Rabbit will live on, whether it is through stuffed animals that you spoke of, or things like your memories, they will last a lifetime.

in my opinion, if you find going to the grave to hard to deal with because it makes it too real, id suggest you stay away for a short while, it can make things harder to deal with visiting someones grave. i found that abnout my mums grave, whenever i visited her grave it would hit home the fact she is never coming back, and i used to have flashbacks of the funeral, which i found quite hard, so i only tend to go on special occasions, like her birhtday, christmas, mothers day and her anniversary. i keep a picture of her on my wall which i talk to if i get unhappy. thats all i need to remember her by.

in respect of the traditions you spoke of, it will be hard to break that cycle.when you do something long enough, it makes it that little bit harder to get over when the tradition ends. dont feel obliged to go to any of the games, the positive side to this is that you can remember going with him knowing he loved to go with you as much as you loved to go with him, to go now without him wont be the same, so keep it between the 2 of you. its special that way. and try not to remember his last trip to the game, try to focus on all the good memories you speak of.

Good luck and take care Candybear, remember, we are all hear to listen and chat when you want us.

Loss is part of life, one of the worst parts. At our cemetary is a tombstone resting there since 1890. It gives the name and age down to hours of a boy who died soon after the age of two. Next to it is another with a worn engraving telling of a girl who died at six months. A third grave stone notes the name of a girl who lived only six days and five hours. All of the principles are dead. No one is there to even put flowers on the grave, but the tombstones tell such a sad story, I can feel it over all of these years. One can imagine the excitement the couple felt when their first child was born and their grief when it all went away.

Grief is a normal part of life. It knaws at you when you least expect it. All I know to do is to face it head on and talk with others when you need to. Eventually, you will internalise it and the pain will not be so bad.

I metaphorically died last year, and it was like attending my own funeral. My life is so different now. I live with conflicts of loss and gain. My own ghost follows me. But this is about you, not I.

"Into you so far the words go.
so much clearer than you hear
Into you goes eveything I know.
No one else knows how I feel.

Only chance can change my fortune,
so I'm not sure why I try.
As if I could swim the ocean,
as if you could start to fly.

Farther down, I'm desperate for you,
where, you never have to know,
Farther down, I'm still without a clue,
'till something takes my pain away."

Mathew Sweet

We are all in this together.