[picklewheeze]

I'm really struggling with my grief. I lost a really big part of my life four months ago and for the first three months, I just cracked on. Acted as if I was fine, completely blocked it all out. But I got worse and worse, I got really bad anxiety and eventually became suicidally depressed, decided enough was enough and sought some help.

I've been getting along really well, in my eyes. I've started counselling which is really helping, I'm medicated anyway and I'm also on the waiting list for other therapy.

Yesterday, I went to my Nans old care home, twice. The first time, I dont know why I went. It still felt kind of right being there. I claimed I went to see my old favourite nurse, but I dont know what I went there for. I just stopped for a cigarette at our pond first and got carried away. I left feeling okay, I kinda felt like I was getting over it, because I'd managed to go in there. I hadnt been so overwhelmed that I'd had to leave straight away.

Then I saw my friend, and she spoke to me about when she lost someone really important to her years ago and all the feelings she felt. She told me about a tree that had been planted for her and she cried. I felt jealous, I could imagine the tree being so beautiful. I'd love to have somewhere to go and speaek to my Nan. I felt completely jealous at how she could just subtley cry about her. I can never just cry about my Nan and it makes me feel like I dont miss her, but I really really do She told me how she avoided the tree because it upset her, if I had somewhere I could go to be with my Nan I'd never avoid it.

I'd give anything to be back in that hospital bed with my Nan, cuddled up to her. But the thing is, she wasnt holding me back anymore. She was dead.

My Nan lost all her motor skills and was generally very unaware of her surroundings as her illness progressed, but one day I went up to see her. She looked at me and said 'Hello dearr!' All excited like she used to be. She looked me square in the eye for the first time in what felt like forever and put her arms out. I literally threw myself into them. She hugged me and stroked my back and it was the happiest I think I've ever felt. By the end of it she'd forgetten who I was again, I knew it was over. But I hope I can hold on to that memory forever.

I went up to her home again last night, after speaking with my friend I felt really upset and shook up and I can never cry at home because I get so sweltered by everyone, I can never just be alone. I didnt know where else to go, so I went there.

As I was driving there, I thought, what am I doing? Why am I going here? She's GONE. She's really gone. My little Nanny is dead. I just need to accept it and move on.

I had a big cry over her, but it wasnt like unstoppable, it was like I was working it out.

I still feel so cold and horrible. Then this morning my Mum comes into my room, I was still in bed cause I just flat out refused to get out of bed this morning. Again, she told me I need to get over it. She told me I need to feel happy that she's at peace.

She really PISSES me off. Everytime she tells me how I should feel, it makes me feel so wrong for the ways I really do feel. Everyone says grief is your own path, and everyone does it differently. And thats why I feel like I need to do it on my own, but she just wont let me! She tells me how Nan would be telling me off for being upset, and i'm sure she would but ****ing hell I've lost the biggest person in my life, ofcourse Im gonna cry. My Mum was a ****ing **** mum, always has been. My Nan saved me from everything. And it feels like now causse my Nans gone, my Mums tryna wiggle her way back in. But thats my Nan spot. I've always been a Nannys girl and I ALWAYS will be.

How can I kindly tell my Mum to **** off with oout a massive fall out or upsetting her?

Thanks for anyone who reads.

[Kendyll]

I don't know what to tell you, but i can tell you that I understand, kinda. I lost my Dad two months ago. Some days I'm fine and some days it still hurts a lot. He was always the one who protected me from Mom, but as he got older I wasn't able to protect him. He ended up in a nursing home with dementia and maybe a stroke. We'll never know because Mom just didn't notice there was anything wrong but there was.

He never got better. He would have good days where he was right there, and then there were days when he just didn't respond to anything. I do remember that, on the day they "celebrated" their 50th wedding anniversary, I was wheeling my Dad back to his room and I hugged him and told him I loved him, and he said, really clearly "I love you, too". It was totally awesome, but it was also the last thing I heard him say. We visited later in the year, and he was pretty unresponsive. Then in January he went to the hospital but they couldn't help him.

Hold on to your memories. You can and they are real. Your feelings are real, too.

Some days I don't miss my Dad much. I live in another state and I didn't get to see him often, so nothing in my daily life has changed much at all. And then I wonder if I really miss him at all. And then there are other days where he fills my heart and my mind and I'm really sad and angry and sad. I just try to take it as it comes. I feel what I feel whenever i feel it. That's up to me and it's mine and nobody has any right to judge me for feeling or not feeling.

I still have to deal with my mom. She's always wanted a good relationship with me and she'll never understand why we can't have that. I don't have any way to tell her what she did - it was years of abuse, small and large. I do my best to be patient and tolerant, but I'll just never like or trust her. She doesn't get to judge my grief. I know she'll never understand that, either. So I just do my best to keep my feelings out of her way, and to find other, safer places to feel and talk and think.

Maybe you can find someplace you can share with your Nan. It doesn't have to be someplace you went while she was alive. Maybe you can find someplace now that you could share with her and spend time with her and feel out loud.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[bebop]

Everyone grieves in different ways. Your mom is wrong to tell you to just get over it! I have lost a granddaughter both my parents and my closest brother. I grieved in very different ways with each. It takes time to go thru the stages of grief and they don't come in order either and each may come back again. Give yourself time. Find a place to go so you can cry without anyone tell you to suck it up! I am very sorry for your loss.

[picklewheeze]

Thank you for your responses.

Kendyll, I can relate to your story a lot. And probably in ways you can to mine. My Nan had dementia too, as well as bowel cancer and diabetes.

What you said about not being able to protect them, that hit a nerve.

I visited my Nan everyday, but obviously I couldnt be there 24/7. I gave her some beads to wear when I wasnt there, to keep her safe. When she went into hospital, my Grandad took them off and gave them back to me and said you keep them safe because they'll only get lose in hospital. I put them on. She died in the hospital, its almost like she gave them back to me as though to say 'these can keep you safe now dear, I'm ok'

Through my work, I see death quite often and am training to resuscitate. My Nan had a Do Not Resuscitate on her due to her poor quality of life. To sit and watch her die and do NOTHING was really weird. But it was actually really kind of nice and peaceful and she looked so pain free like she'd just gone to sleep.

[Leed]

Hi "pickle" ~ Bless your heart -- your post gave me a huge lump in my throat. I rarely cry. I think that if I do, I'll never stop.

Grief is a personal and private thing. NO ONE - and I repeat -- NO ONE has the right to tell you how you should grieve. Like Bebop said, everyone does it in their own time and in their own way. Some people can just slide through it, while other may take years to get over it. But really, we never "get over" the loss of someone. We just get through it. The people we lose are still in our hearts, regardless of how long they've been gone.

I lost my husband 12 years ago, but he still remains in my heart. He will ALWAYS be there just as your Nan will be in your heart.

Your mother has NO right to tell you how you should grieve. I think you need to RESPECTFULLY but FIRMLY tell her that she needs to allow you to grieve in your OWN way, and in your OWN time and to just back off! By her constant nagging about it, she's just made your more determined to grieve your own way anyway. Besides, it's your life and she needs to leave you alone!

I wish you the very best --- please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your dear Nan. I know you're hurting. Please be good to yourself -- and God bless you. Hugs, Lee