Good Changes

Dear Friends,
I originally joined PC because after mom died I went spiraling out of control and searched far and wide for help. (i.e. falling star) I was having panic attacks, self destructive behavior, and depressed. I was glad to find a place that I could share and talk with others.
Recently there has been a change. My dad and I have been working hard deciding what should be kept, given and tossed. At first I would not let anything go. Not one bit of my mom's things could leave my site. I had a two car garage filled with memories. people kept saying that isn't her, it's stuff, but to me it was her. It was all I could hold, smell, sleep with, read, and discover of my mom. People did not know if I was ever going to come back to sanity. But it got so bad emotionally I had to quit my job and down size. It was the most difficult thing for me to do. Each time something left my hands, it felt like she died again. A memory was gone. I would remember when she wore that shirt and what we did. I remember when she read that book. I remember when she bought that or got that present. I loved remembering and I think for a while, I could only live in the world of my memories. She was still here if I could remember every moment of her life.
It took years for me to be able to face reality. I am on the final stages of cleaning out her house. My dad still lives in it, but wants everything gone. He may be getting remarried and things have to change. I am working hard sorting and moving things. Fortunately I am better at letting things go. I can be more realistic. I don't have to keep every scrap of paper she wrote on. Although I do catch myself holding on to some odd things that invoke strong memories.
The more I clean and sort, the more I am finding healing. Amazingly, mom's house is turning into a house, not a shrine that must be perfectly preserved without moving anything. As I go through I am grasping that she is not in the house, clothes, notes, or things. She is really in me and all the people she touched.
I have noticed now, things are changing. I am accepting of the fact that she is gone from me, but still with me. No matter what "stuff" I have, it is only a connector to a memory and not her. She does not die everytime I get rid of something. She is still alive in me and us, her family and friends. A house is a house, a shirt is a shirt, and paper is paper. This long journey is not over, but the changes are good and a sign of life closer to what it should be. As I change I grow and learn. This is a new change and stage in my grief. I think it is called acceptance. It has taken four years to get here. But I only move as fast as I can and always stop to smell every rose.
Thank you my friends for the support and help in my healing here on PC. You are a key to my healing and so many more. Hugs and love.

Falling Star
(that may start to rise from the ashes)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know where you are coming from. I so miss my mom it's not funny.

Jeff

Sorry for your loss. It's really great to hear that you're learning to look at things in a new light. Best of luck to you

my dear Rising Star~ thank you so much for sharing that memorial of your mom with us (me). you have such spirit, so much love, insight and acceptance of others, it is a privilege to call you 'Friend'. please call on me if you feel the need to reminisce, or any other topic you might like to ramble on about~

I love you all so much!

Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my spouse to suicide two years ago. I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and have not worked in the past year. I have a difficult time even getting outside of my house. I still have all his belongings in the house and struggle whether to continue renting or to move. I feel if I move, I will be losing part of him, but I feel that it may be making it harder to move on. Also if I decided to move, should I move to Arkansas, closer to my parents or stay in TX where my three grown children live. I live in TX now, but 1-2 hrs away from my children. They have their own life and I feel I have no one, so I remain depressed and lonely. I spent some time this summer in AR with family and a long time friend. Needless to say now my friend and I are no longer speaking. My parents are in their 70's which I speak with my mother but I don't have a relationship with my dad. I feel I only exist but I'm not living. I tried getting away from my house but would have bad anxiety so far away from my children. I'm interested if you have any advise on how to move on.

I lost my spouse two years ago to suicide. I still live in the rent house in TX. All his belongings are still in the house and I'm having to deal with the decision to stay or move. I feel if I move, I'll be losing a part of him. My three grown children live 1-2 hrs from me now and have their own active lives. Im no longer working due to major depression and stay in the house the majority of time. This past summer I visited my family in AR. My parents live in AR and they're in their 70's. So Im struggling with the decision to stay in the same house or to relocate in TX staying near my children or move to AR closer to my parents. I feel no matter where I chose to move I will still feel lonely and empty inside. I'm interested if you have any advise for me. I feel I'm stuck and don't know what to do to move forward. It's nice to hear that you have managed to move forward and gives me hope that I can get there too. Thank you for your post and hopelessness.

Sincerely,
SunTracker

falling star, thank you so much for sharing. I felt very touched by your story and your deep love for your Mom. May you find peace as the years go on.