[Neptune83]

Hi,
We've had my step son with us almost 3 weeks for the holiday but last week, a few days before we were due to return him to his mother, we got a call to say she'd had an accident and died.
My step son is only four years old. We've explained that mummy has gone up to the stars and he understands he'll never see her again. Her funeral is due to take place in a couple of weeks time and I'm not sure if he should go. He's easily overwhelmed and there's going to be at least a couple of hundred people there. I'm concerned it'll be too much for him, the amount of people and all the sadness. His mum also had spoken to us a few weeks ago about her wish to protect him against this sort of thing so I'm not even sure she would want him there. My husband feels torn, he decided not to take him but to do our own thing here with him to celebrate her life and to say goodbye and I think this is a good idea, but after speaking to her mum today he's confused again because he thinks she wants him to go but I explained its not about anyone else.
What would you do?

[lynn P.]

I'm very sorry your stepson lost his mother so suddenly and this is so sad. IMO I feel he should go to the funeral and be around his mothers family. Even though he's 4, its still important for him to be exposed to this grief process. Sheltering him from this will be more confusing when he tries to understand why he'll never see his mother or why she won't come back to pick him up. Here's an article on children and grief from PC.

Children and Grief | Psych Central

[Grey Matter]

If you both feel like the funeral would be too overwhelming, maybe you and his father can come up with a way to celebrate her life with him alone? I know when I was younger and family members passed, this helped me understand and come to a certain kind of peace. Maybe go somewhere she enjoyed. Have a dinner in her memory. Release balloons.

I am so sorry for his loss. Sending my love and regards.

[Neptune83]

Thanks both of you and thank you for the link.
I have first hand experience of this just three years ago when my sons dad passed away suddenly. My son was 8 at the time so understood it better and had many questions about what happened to him, where he will go now and what happens at a funeral, what cremation was etc.. It was easier to explain to him because he was older. But I feel on shaky ground with my step son because he's so little.
We had decided to let go some lanterns with a letter from him attached, just us because we thought it would be nicer for him. But then his mums family came down today and of course they all have different views on this, some think he should go, some don't. My husband feels he has to do what they want, so I told him to eliminate everyone else and think about what she would have wanted and what's best for his son. It's not going to be an easy decision whatever he decides but it's completely up to him. He knows I'll support him whatever, but I don't want him to take him because of pressure from anyone else.

[Neptune83]

Thanks for moving this by the way, sorry I didn't see this section.

[lynn P.]

Its good you're concerned and wanting what's best for your stepson. Sorry you also experienced this with your own childrens father. I lost my dad when I was two and clearly understood he was gone at the age of 5. I also recommend childrens grief counseling because I used to feel sad on fathers day when everyone else was making cards. Its also okay for kids to see others sad rather than shielding them from it all. Here's another link:

How to talk to your kindergartner about death | BabyCenter

[Trippin2.0]

My daughter was 5 when my dad died. They were very close, her dad is non-existant, so my father stood an as a father figure for her.
So it was important for her to get closure, however her mind interpreted that at her age.

She went to his funeral, and even looked inside the casket and said goodbye. Not my idea, she saw us and told me she wanted to say goodbye too.

From there it was; and the angels took him to heaven.... and obviously the story has been modified over the last 3yrs...

My point? Children need to learn about death too, and a natural safe manner is better than tv. They also need to grieve and process the loss, and I believe shielding them can hinder this process.
I don't for one moment think my daughter would have grieved healthily if I told her a fairytale about my dad's death instead.

Her seeing that casket gave her that sense of finality, so she didn't painfully hope he'll return for days or months on end. Like I've seen other young kids do who aren't allowed at the funeral.

After the funeral, immediate family gathered around at our house and watched a slideshow of dad's greatest moments and told stories about him and laughed and celebrated the man we all knew and love.

The funeral itself doesn't have to be traumatizing for him, if you handle it well.

[yellowted]

give the child the facts and run down of what will happen at the funeral,
give him the option of 'helping' - welcoming people, handing out order of service, being chief bubble blower, guardian of the flowers etc then let him decide

if he wishes to go try and appoint an unattached person who he trusts to act as a distraction when you/his family are too distressed to comfort/reassure or distract him

the jobs mentioned above will help him feel a part of the service rather than it feel strange or scary to him

when my partner died the children did not want to see the dirt get thrown onto his coffin so we all threw flowers from his garden in instead.

remember there is no set way of holding a funeral, it is after all a time for the children to say good bye too so let them do so in their own way, do not expect them to conform totally to adult expectations of a mourneful funeral. if they want flowers instead of muck that is ok, so too is rocus play at the wake, they are still kids after all.

remember to remind him that some people will be very sad and might cry, but that is ok, if he feels like crying he can that is ok but if he doesn't feel like crying thenit is ok he doesn't have to, it is his choice either way. because some children see others crying and think they have to even if they don't want to.

put a few noisless sweets in his pocket so he can chew them to calm down if he gets upset or if he decides he is hungry half way throught the prayers! like wise try not to give him too many drinks in the hour before the funeral and that he empties before you set off! there is nothing quite like a loud proclamation of "i need a wee" breaking the silence of the reflection time! a little note book and pen are great distractions you could have on hand too, and it is perfectly ok to take along a favourite teddy too, he is four after all and favourite teddy will be a big comfort for him and talking point when he meets all those strangers, much better to be asked teds name or recieve a compliment about your favourite ted than be greeted with oh poor thing or it's so sad.....

[bebop]

what does the little boy want to do? If it were me I would take him and like others have said explain to him what is happening. Think too about his future in that when he talks about her and asked if he went or not you will have to tell him he didn't go. I think he might would be upset. When my mom died my brother had little ones. He talked to the hospice nurse about it and she advised to never keep children shielded from a death.

[Neptune83]

Thank you all for your advice

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My daughter was 5 when my dad died. They were very close, her dad is non-existant, so my father stood an as a father figure for her.
So it was important for her to get closure, however her mind interpreted that at her age.

She went to his funeral, and even looked inside the casket and said goodbye. Not my idea, she saw us and told me she wanted to say goodbye too.

From there it was; and the angels took him to heaven.... and obviously the story has been modified over the last 3yrs...

My point? Children need to learn about death too, and a natural safe manner is better than tv. They also need to grieve and process the loss, and I believe shielding them can hinder this process.
I don't for one moment think my daughter would have grieved healthily if I told her a fairytale about my dad's death instead.

Her seeing that casket gave her that sense of finality, so she didn't painfully hope he'll return for days or months on end. Like I've seen other young kids do who aren't allowed at the funeral.

After the funeral, immediate family gathered around at our house and watched a slideshow of dad's greatest moments and told stories about him and laughed and celebrated the man we all knew and love.

The funeral itself doesn't have to be traumatizing for him, if you handle it well.

I agree. It can be a positive thing if put in the right light.

I was a teenager when my grandfather died. My mother made me kiss his body in the casket. Needless to say, that still bothers me. Do the right thing, don't force him in to anything, and he'll be okay.

[Neptune83]

Wow really?! I guess she thought she was doing a good thing, but that's clearly not for everyone.
I knew of a lady who's young son sadly passed away, it was expected and she'd been nursing him at home. She kept him in his room until the funeral so she and his siblings could sit with him and talk to him, I was a bit shocked initially to hear that but they found it a very positive experience. It worked for them, they were happy with that.
I think how we handle the passing of loved ones, funerals etc its all very individual and I suppose this is what makes it so difficult. Of course, there is a huge part of you that wants to protect your child from any of this, I know you can't, but you still want to. I know his mum wanted to protect him from anything like it, we'd had a conversation only a few weeks ago on the subject after him having nightmares about dying.
My husband feels under pressure from his ex's mum to take him, I just said you gotta do what you feel is right for him, no one else. He wants to do something at home for him, he feels he will be able to say goodbye properly like this as there will likely be hundreds of people at the funeral. We also worry about him asking about where's mum going, because cremation isn't exactly the nicest thing to explain. I had to explain it all to my son but he was almost 9 at the time so he knew there was no possibility of his dad being alive and therefore being burned alive. But then for my step son only being four, his little imagination may run wild.
To be honest, I think the only time we would know if it was right for him to go would be on the day, then it's too late if he reacts badly to it.

[Dionysius]

This is so sad, hope the little lad copes.

[lizardlady]

Neptune, I was composing an answer to you in my head, then I read Yellowted's reply. It says everything I was going to say. I really like the idea of having someone designated to watch over the little guy to take him outside or whatever to distract him if he becomes too overwhelmed. don't be surprised if he wants to play at some time during the viewing/funeral. Might seem like inappropriate behavior to adults, but it's not unusual for young children.

I also like the idea of letting the little guy have a say in what he does. If he doesn't want to go, then don't force him. If he wants to go, let him. If he wants see his mother in the casket, let him.

I'm fully in support of the idea of him seeing a grief counselor at the first sign he is having difficulty dealin with his mother being gone. BUT he might not need it. I would wait and see how he is doing.

One final thought, perhaps you could arrange his visit to the funeral home at a time when no one else will be there? Just a small quiet family gathering if you think he will be overwhelmed my too many people at the funeral.

[Neptune83]

That's our biggest issue, the amount of people there will almost certainly overwhelm him.

[Trippin2.0]

What's the usual protocol for taking him to crowded places, can you follow that?
Or do you just avoid crowds with him altogether so he won't be overwhelmed?

I seriously hope its not the latter because being overwhelmed is part of life and we can't be sheltered from life...

Why not have a designated quiet place for him and a trusted adult? A place with little to no traffic?
Or why not have him leave directly after the viewing? He doesn't need to sit through the service.

Better yet. Ask him what he wants, he's 4 he speaks. If he wants to attend, let him, if he's ready to leave, take him elsewhere. Simple.

I really think your fear of doing it wrong is making you overthink this ALOT and you seem to be going round in circles. I say let the boy decide and just be there in whatever capacity he may need you.

[lizardlady]

Even as a adults we can be overwhelmed by the number of people at a funeral as well as dealing with the emotions that come up. I like the idea of a designated adult to watch over him and take him some place quiet if he starts being overwhelmed. Funeral homes all have some quiet place where people can go if they need to. Talk to the funeral director and make arrangements ahead of time.

I'll relate a personal experience. At the service for my husband I was overwhelmed with the number of people who came, the need to speak to so many people. Some friends of mine realized what was happening and surronded me. They gave me a few minutes of not having to speak to anyone new to gather myself together. It's been 13 years since that happened and it's one of my strongest memories of that day because of the love they showed me.

[lynn P.]

Better for the stepson to be overwhelmed and to experience some emotions, rather than sheltering him completely. All he knows is, he came for a temporary visit and now will never see his mother again. Letting him go through the process and see others grieve, will help process why he won't be seeing his mother. Who will take care of him full time now that his mother is gone?

[Neptune83]

It was never us who sheltered him away from group situations. He and his mother lived in a small village, didn't see many people other than a couple of family members and a couple of the mothers close friends. He had only been to nursery a short period before the holidays as well, so he is simply just not used to crowds because of their lifestyle.

I get asked the question 'who will care for him now' a lot, by everyone actually and I find it odd. To us the answer is simple, he will now live with us permanently because my husband is his dad and his siblings also live with us, so obviously that makes sense.

I'm assuming most of you are from the US, I wonder if things are done a little differently there. I'm in the UK and it seems most of the time, you don't have a 'viewing', if by 'viewing' you mean seeing the person who's passed away. I've never attended a funeral where this has happened. I know for sure this isn't happening at this one.

I know many will disagree with me on this, but in my opinion, I don't think you necessarily have to attend a funeral to say your goodbyes to a loved one. In the same light as one may choose to worship God at church, another will worship God anywhere because God is everywhere, if you see what I mean.

We just want to do what's right for him, and I thank you all for your replies.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm not from the US no, and I kind of assumed he'd be with you permanently.

Not every "first" is overwhelming... Just because he's never been in a large crowd doesn't mean he will automatically dislike the experience.

I'm one of those "God is everywhere" types, the only reason I suggested (strongly) that he attend the funeral is because of the finality of death you get from the funeral, its not the same as other options. I've experienced both, so just sharing what I've learned.

You guys will undoubtedly do what yuou think is best, which should be good enough for junior.

[Neptune83]

Sorry I wasn't getting at you, or anyone at all, it's just many replies seem to assume there will be viewing of his mum, and that's just generally not what usually happens here. It does, but it's more common not to. I've been to a fair few funerals and none of them have had an open coffin. I think that's done more in the US, probably other places too that I'm unaware of, but not so much in the UK.
People asking who will look after him now, I just find bizarre because although he has grandparents and uncles, we're his immediate family so in my eyes it just makes sense that he stay with us.
We've always tried to give him a bit more freedom, and his confidence has grown because of that. But given how sheltered his life with his mum was (which is where he spent the vast majority of his time), we wouldn't throw him in head first with crowds and stuff because it would likely set him back. He's more one for little steps in the right direction rather than being chucked in at the deep end, he just does better that way.