Do I go to be with him??

I have been separated from Steve for 3 years now. He is the father of my 8 year old son. We live about an hour from each other. Our time apart had been friendly and congenial. He paid child support and loves his son and my 10 year old daughter very much. Steve just spent a year in prison for a DUI charge. He started getting sick towards the end. He spent 34 days in their medical ward, but no specialists were ever seen. Upon seeing his GP, she immediately recommended a colonscopy. They found 2 malignant tumors, one at each end of the colon. He had colon surgery 4 week ago and now has a colostomy bag. The cancer has metasticized to his liver, and they are starting chemo in 1 1/2 weeks. He called me the other morning to say he was on his way to the local ER for intense pain. I found a ride and stayed with him for 2 days (first time I saw him in 3 years). I just got off the phone with him today. He was sobbing. Appears he had some blood in his catheter and alot of pain. The ER said he has a blockage and a UTI, gave him some more dilaudin, and did a CAT scan. The cancer is also in his lungs now. I told him my neighbor was giving me a ride their tomorrow. He screamed for me not to come. He says there is nothing I can do for him. I told him I just want to be there, but he insists that I don't go. Our kids are currently in foster care due to my recent hospitalizations. Steve asked that I call the local Children & Youth Services Monday to request an emergency visit with the kids for him. He wants to spend a few days with the kids before he gets much sicker. I really can't stand the thought of him being alone right now. He has a mom, 4 sisters, and a lot of friends. But, I should and need to be there......right???

Dee

No. I'm sorry that this is happening. I'm sorry that he's suffering also. But the "should" and "need" to be there sounds like guilt to me. Even though he is sick, he doesn't sound like the type of person you want your children to be around much, sorry, even if he is (one's) their dad.

What you need to decide is what is best for you and your children.

He's put this off, taking care of himself. They put chemo off for nearly 2 weeks, please take time to think about the situation more.

Your children are old enough to discuss this with them...both of them as it does affect the entire family. I would wait though, it does no good to scare them and have things turn out differently perhaps.

Do you have a T you can consult? I think someone who is IRL for you, and can gain a better understanding of the situation could help you more.

But please don't go out of guilt. Procrastination on his part does not constitute an emergency on your part. Try and gain the best perspective you can from this.

Thanks Sky! Whether I wanted it or not, I appreciate your candidness and honesty.

Dee

I would stop and think - then ask yourself.... Will this visit benefit my kids in any way or form, if they are able to see him (and) If I do take them to visit him can I myself, handle seeing him- being around him?

If you can answer YES to both of these question..... then by all means take the trip, you and the kids might just be better off in the long run by visiting/seeing him before some thing does happen.

Good Luck....... ((( hugs )))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((hugs)))) I'm just trying to look at things without being emotionally involved.

I was up late...very late. The little voice inside of me says go..so that I am doing. It will just be for a couple of days. All will be ok.

Dee

I would do whatever would help me best live with his death and which I would regret least.

Ok, take care of YOURSELF first though. (((Hugs))) It's a difficult situation.

if something happens to him and you don't take the kids to see him they will be mad for years. Any child needs the chance to say goodbye to a dying parent. no matter what has happened. everyone needs to be able to say things they need to say and maybe make peace with the sick person. I saw you said you were seperated, right? even you and he need this time to say your peace. good luck