[janesmith14]

As I've written several times on his board, my husband's mother passed away a year ago and it's been a struggle for me to understand his grief over the past year and some of the things he does. What seems to hurt the most, however, is how much more he thinks of his mother over everyone else. I'm used to him wearing the pin with her picture on it every day and kissing it when he takes it off and put it on, I'm used to the talking about how she's so much better than anyone else. We've decided to name our first baby (due in July) after her and I'm happy to do that. The baby has her first name for a first name and my middle name for her middle name. Last nite, I happened to notice my husband writing his his journal on his computer (he doesn't mind me reading his journal but I usually don't due to his privacy but I happened to glimpse at it) He was writing about my baby doc appt yesterday and he said that he knows the baby is a beautiful baby just like her beautiful Grandmother who she's named after, right before that he wrote two paragraphs about how wonderful his mother is. It hurts my feelings so much and yet I feel bad that it hurts my feelings. Whenever I talk with him about how I feel he just says I don't understand and names all the people in his family who understand what he's going through but me. What can I do to deal with this? Tomorrow will be ayear to the date of her death. Please help me if you have any advice!

[Travelinglady]

Since he says other people in his family understand his behavior, then maybe you can ask some of them.

The thought that pops into my head is that he is actually feeling guilty about something he did or didn't do while his mom was alive. Just saying--I can't say for sure, so don't take this completely as the truth, but maybe something to consider....

Or reaction formation? He really has a lot of anger toward her?

I know many men love their moms dearly, but from what you say, he is really reacting strongly to her death.

Yeah, I suggest speaking to his relatives about it, but maybe just telling them what he is doing in not a negative way. Maybe even saying, "(Jim) really must have been close to his mom...." And maybe see if they comment on that.

Other folks, what do you think?

[likewater]

Right now his grief is so overwhelming, you are out of his thoughts. I understand how that could be really hurtful as you need his support and love. It is good that he has something positive, your baby to focus on and he can see ways his mother's legacy lives on. Can you tell him it's hurtful that he didn't acknowledge the baby would also be beautiful like you? Has he gotten any grief counseling? I understand a little. I wear my brother's dog tags. I kiss his tags. I talk to him and I kiss his picture. I see his features and mannerisms in my nephews and it's comforting that parts of him live on. Also, you may want to get counseling as dealing with your husband's grief and having a baby are very.stressful. may angels surround you.

[pizzolar]

I think the important thing is to really figure out what it is thats upsetting you. It seems like its not his grief that upsets you, but his inattention to you and your needs. Instead of telling him you need/want him to grieve differently, express that you need his attention and love. It sounds like he lost her at a particularly pivotal time in his life, and its easy to lose sight of other things when you're grieving. Instead of asking him to change or expressing displeasure with his actions, I would recommend focusing on your need and seeing how he responds to that.

[Perna]

It does not sound like, as a grown man, he left his mother behind when he married you. How long have you been married (since this is your first child?)? It sounds like there were things not finished with before she died, that he may not have been a very mature husband if he is continuing on in this line.

I don't know what to tell you about how to help him with that, it does not sound like he wants to change in any way, he just does not want his mother to be dead (as opposed to grieving her death). I would say, have him see a therapist but I don't see how you could get him to view his actions as immature/not appropriate for being married and a father soon.

There is a difference between remembering good times one had with one's mother; my husband has fond memories of he and his mother going to a special store and getting ice cream; even as a husband/father, on each of their birthdays, they would send each other $1 to buy an ice cream :-) and my father certainly loved him mother, he forgot his bank card pin number of 20+ years the day he learned of her death, but I think your husband is trying to carry his mother into the future rather than grieve her loss. Naming a child for their mother is appropriate, commenting on the child's looks in relation to their mother before the child is born (what if the child looks like his father or himself :-) and leaving the child's mother out of the equation; I am with you that is not appropriate and hurtful (but not deliberately, he is just immature and did not separate from his mother completely before marrying you -- he needed to "let go" of mothering and focus on "partnering" and he did not do that and now it may be even harder than ever).