[lfshadow]

I am 47, single, live in a very rural area in the Rocky Mtns.
About 10 years ago my little brother committed suicide (just before Xmas 1995). A few weeks later my Mom found out her cancer had come back. I moved back East and took care of her until she died in June 12, 1996, (6 months after my brother’s death.) I think she gave up the will to live. And then 2 months after Mom died, my Dad committed suicide, (Aug. 26, 1996). This all put me a very bad depression. I don't remember most of what happened for about 3 years after. (In the last 10 years I’ve lost a total of about 20 relatives and close friends).

Then a few years later, the Man whom I loved and had been with for 14 years, left me. He didn’t handle my grieving well at all. I couldn’t talk to him about any of it. He would get irritated and angry if he saw me crying, so I had to hide it. He got to where he acted as though I didn’t even exist. This went on for several years. I should have told him to leave a lot sooner but I wasn’t prepared to let go of one of the few people left that I thought loved me, and he knew this. I found out later that he stayed with me those last few years ONLY because I had inherited some money. He was just using me. During all of this I had pretty much become reclusive. I rarely saw or talked to anyone for 3 or 4 years. I lost touch with all of my friends. I wasn’t any fun to be around for a very long time.

Now, for the past 3 years, I have been going out and trying to socialize with friends (old and new). But I am finding that, for the most part, I am being rejected by almost everyone I come in contact with. They are polite when I talk to them, but they do not make an effort to talk to me or include me in any of their lives. I am left out of all social events, never invited to social gatherings, etc. I had a Christmas Party two years ago and no one, (not one person) showed up.
I find it very hard to talk about anything personal now. I think maybe I have a subconscious fear of being rejected or ignored if I try to share my feelings with someone. But it’s not an unwarranted fear. If I were to try and talk to anyone about this, they would soon be avoiding me because nobody wants to be close friends with someone who is depressed and carrying around that much baggage. Therefore, I never talk about any of it to anyone, but they all know and so they all still avoid me.

I am taking antidepressants, and I always try to be in a good mood when in public, but people know what happened and/or I guess they can still tell what I’m feeling. I am depressed more now because of being ignored and rejected. It’s a never ending cycle – people reject me because I am depressed, and I am depressed because people reject me. How can I break this cycle? I almost feel like I will have to move to a different town because people don’t change their views very easily.

[Soidhonia]

Ifshadow. It does seem to be a never ending cycle at times with Depression. There are many Support Groups and events in the community that may help you to feel less lonely, isolated and depressed. Volunteering is a good way to help relieve some depression symptoms as well. Volunteermatch is always needind good people to volunteer to help others, animals and so forth. Walking, ecercise and attending classes part time may help as well to keep your time occupied so you have less time to think about the depression. I am sorry for the struggle you are having at thie time and the losses you ahve had in the past, but I hope you can make the Best and Most out of the future in your life when you are feeling better. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia