[bellaviolet]

yesterday would have been my big brother eddy's 48th birthday. july 10th was the 10 year anniversary of his death from cancer. i always try to be positive on these days and tell myself i was lucky to have had him, but i miss him like crazy and it still feels unfair that he had to suffer so much and die at only 37. he was 14 years older than me but we had alot in common, and he never made fun of me for some of the things i said or felt, things my other siblings thought were weird or silly or crazy. he suffered so much before he died and the last time i saw him he was in agony. i've tried to erase that image from my mind of him shaking and crying out but it won't go away. i know he would be mad at me for thinking this way becaus i know he didnt want us to be sad about him dying or to feel sorry for him. but i can't help it, i miss him and i want him back. i used to think i would get over losing all the people i've lost but i havent and i dont think i ever will. people dying sucks and its not fair to the ones they leave behind.

((( bellaviolet )))

I'm so sorry. It's so very hard to deal with. Are you talking to a T about this?

I lost 2 brothers, one was 38 and one was 42. And like you, I watched one of them suffer. And you're so right. The image is not only imprinted on your brain, it's imprinted in every fiber of your body.

Try to be gentle with yourself and do something nice in his honor.

Please feel free to PM if you need a shoulder.

[bellaviolet]

thank you petunia...... i'm so sorry for your losses too...... losing one brother was so hard, i cant even imagine losing another one. haven't talked to a t because i am chicken to go to one although i keep saying i'm gonna....... usually i can deal with it ok but sometimes it just hits me real hard and i miss him sooo much. he was a special person.

i like your suggestion and thought of something to do in eddy's honor......... when i was little he taught me the song "where have all the flowers gone" and i want to try to learn it again so i can sing it for him whenever the family gets together.

thank you again...... ((((((((petunia))))))))

p.s. yeah, i wish i could erase that image and never see it again but its not so easy. i wish you could erase yours too......

[Pita]

bellaviolet - i lost my Mom to cancer and everyday i miss her. what i do on her birthday, mother's day, christmas, or any other time i am really missing her is to remember what she cherished most and then make a donation to an agency that helps - like for her birthday this year i gave to the ocean conservancy and to save the children. i give it in my Mom's name and it seems to help me because i am helping causes that she loved and i am letting others know her name. hope this helps.

[DocClyde]

(((bellaviolet)))

[drummergrl]

I miss my younger brother, too. Today would have been his 55th birthday, if he hadn't died!! It was very traumatic for me, and still gets me very down at Xmas. He died Xmas week, the 21st. of Dec. Now, 15 years later, he and God gave me my beautiful grand daughter. Natalie was born on the anniversary of his death, 2005. What a blessing she is, and one day I hope to share this special kinship with her.
I have learned to tell the people in your life that you love them and hug someone everyday....you never know how long we have and the last thing I want someone to know is
I love you!!! That's the best gift you can give them, anybody.

[bellaviolet]

pita - thank you for your message and suggestion...... i lost my mom to cancer too, a long time ago..... she was active in civil rights, my brother was into wildlife like me.... i'm broke these days but its a good thought for the future to make donations in their names. thank you again.....

[bellaviolet]

clydemed..... i got sidetracked last night and didn't get to thank you for your reply... thank you (((clydemed)))

drummergrl, how wonderful that you got the gift of a granddaughter...... to make such a sad anniversary a joyous day...... though i'm sorry you lost your brother. i have a beautiful 7 year old niece, my sister's daughter, and we tell her stories about her uncle eddy all the time...... we want her to know him as much as she can. i try to always tell the people i love how much i love them.... and that includes my brother.....

happy birthday to your brother drummergrl......