[Courttaylor]

Hi everyone I'm new on this site so I'm not sure if I'm even using it right. But I signed up because I really could use support right now. In may of 2016, I watched my grandma pass away, as I just wanted to be there with her until her last moments. (I have always dealt with depression, anxiety, etc.) but lately, I have been seeing disturbing images in my head specifically of her last moments when I saw her stop breathing. When I start to get these thoughts, I literally have to pinch myself or physically tell myself to stop. I also have uncontrollable thoughts, for example, when I'm trying to talk to my grandma in my head at night because I would like to think she can hear me, kind of like praying, and a voice will literally pop in my head and say disturbing things that I don't want to say to her? And then I feel so bad because I feel like if by any chance she might have actually been listening, then I'm upset because I couldn't control it. I am a completely normal person but I feel crazy. Idk if I'm traumatized or what, but if anyone has any advice or can relate I would greatly appreciate some help...even if it's just sharing your story, I would like to think I'm not alone in how I feel.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Courttaylor: The Skeezyks recalls having replied to your introductory post. It was, I believe a duplicate of this post. One self-help option you might investigate is a Buddhist practice called compassionate abiding. Here is a link to a nice mental health oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

[*Laurie*]

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not alone in how you feel. The death of a loved one can be a traumatic event. Our minds can react by re-playing that trauma over and over. The question is how to cope with the trauma images. The Skeezyks has a very good idea. Also, sometimes it helps to talk to a therapist or someone you trust and who will listen. EMDR could be helpful, too.

[jaynedough]

Hi Courttaylor,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother must have been a very special person.

I can't offer any answers. What I can do, is tell you that I'm going through the same thing. My parents were special people who let me live with them. My mom died in 2011, and my father in 2013. I've been so lost without them. I feel like they're here sometimes. I talk to them.

Like you, I have flashbacks of their last moments. It hurts so bad. I've also been going thru the same thing regarding my last two dogs. (My dogs are, for all intents and purposes, my children.) My mental health care providers have said that I have some PTSD from the deaths. And I guess also from the stress of taking care of them alone, while dealing with my own illnesses.

The one thing that has helped the most is trying to replace the memories of those "last moments" with memories of happier times. The end of their lives was just one teeny piece of their lives. They had long, full lives.

The pain lessens, but the hole remains.

[bounceback]

I watched my mom die and stop breathing. I understand what you are going through. I was with her until the end. It is traumatizing. She was also in a coma for a week before she died. I would relive seeing her skin mottled and trying to dress her when she was already getting rigor mortis. It is a horrible thing but try and focus on the good that you did for her. You were there with her to the end. That is an extremely brave and courageous thing and I am sure if your grandmother was alive she would thank you for being with her. She knows you were with you. I a sure of that. I hope you find comfort in this. I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

[KEB1990]

I lost my mom in 2015 and I still have bad dreams. Your not not alone .

[Jenny4645]

What you are experiencing is normal. You went through a terrible loss and your mind is going back to the images. What you are hearing in your mind will not be heard by her. She knows in heaven what you are going through and understands. You may want to sweep counseling if you haven't already just to help you cope and help answer some of your questions.

[Jenny4645]

You experienced a great loss and I am so sorry. What you are experiencing is normal and she knows what you are going through so don't worry about the disturbing thoughts affecting her. You should talk to a therapist who can help you through this time. Best wishes to you