Tomorrow She'd Be Ten yrs Old

I've never written about this. Talked to a few family members but that's about it.

Ten years ago we lost our 23 month old niece to a household, preventable accident. We don't speak her name. Our family has not been the same since.
It's become a marker in our life when everything just fell apart including my marriage.
My SO has decided yrs ago to blame this adult family member for this preventable death & has not spoken to his siblings since. My job, since then, is to go against his wishes & keep contact going because I believe it was an accident.
Forgiveness is just not in the picture. The anger that is carried from this tragedy is STILL fresh.
I still cannot wrap my brain around this Huge albatross that straps my family. It makes me speechless.
I can't live with all this anger inside of me, my own issues & this mess on top of it. I feel buried alive by it.
Every year it comes around.

Im so sorry. Yeah that explains a lot about your life situation. Your SO tries to live in a utopia where they can control everything and nothing ever goes wrong, if only you do everything right. Except life isnt like that. Like the saying goes, man makes plans and god says ha.

Oh he's in his own utopia alright! Life just scoots along merrily every day if we stay only on the surface.
I want no parts of that.
In April I hung a picture of her, finally, on our family wall.
Pretty bad when my kids say, who's that?

Oh, wow. I am so, so sorry. Your nieces death is definitely the kind of thing that can tear lives apart. Has there been any productive psychotherapy involved?

Yes we wento therapy & he thought it was a waste of time. I expected that response when he told me my own therapy was a waste of time too.

He REFUSES to change. And his view on this won't change. What seems to be changing is mine sad to say.
I'm tired of trying to hold the other side of the family together only for our kids sakes. I do all the work. He does none. He wants nothing to do with his siblings.

So do I bring up the fact that today is her birthday or do I ignore it again?

Preventable is different than on purpose. Whoever was responsible or didn't prevent this tragedy...did not want the child dead....on purpose.

So many documentaries tell us that holding on to anger makes US sick.

I have never been in a similar situation so I really don't know how he is feeling. But, I do know what you have told us is that psychiatric help is not an option...and honestly I keep thinking that...you are trying to heal and he is pulling you down.

8 years is a very long time to try and compensate for someone elses anger .

I personally would have to end my marriage if this was going on in my life. Life is too short for living in discontent. I don't know how much your husband loves you...but maybe if you made a move such as a seperation that would wake him up from what is NOW important in life.

No one can bring the child back...and no one can change someone elses mind...now its up to you to decide how you want to live the rest of YOUR life on this planet...

Thank you.
I am trying very small baby steps to get my power back & make some moves in my life, but it's going to take some time.
So today I asked him if I can get some balloons to release for her. For the first few yrs we did this to remember her.
He said no. 5 balloons apparently causes "pollution" & really he doesn't wanto remember it. At all.

Yes I should've just brought the balloons home & done it myself but part of me still considers his feelings & his loss.
But soon in the next few yrs I think, my kids will start to ask questions. Then I'm going to steer them to him!

oh I am so sorry for your losses. The loss of your niece must have been devastating but the loss of your relationships with the family members because of husbands lack of forgiveness sounds just as rough. Hope you find solace this anniversary of your niece's birthday in your compassion and caring heart. You deserve lots of hugs for the courage and tenacity you show. (((hugs)))

The way things stand, it seems you and your children have to remember and celebrate your niece's life as you see fit. Leave your husband out of it, as he has made it clear that he is not ready or willing to deal with her death.

Aww I'm sorry about what happened. Hugs.

I had a small chance to talk to him a couple days after her anniversary. He knows this has divided his side of the family & his mom has pushed him ever since to just forgive & move on.
He will not.
I don't think she has the right to ask that of him or understand his feelings & he refuses also to look at reason.
So I told him that he's been hanging on to this anger for a very long time. What does he need or want that will let him move thru this?
He said he wants details! He wants to know why, why this slip in judgement occurred & basically why this family member is not in jail for what he sees as a crime.
Ultimately, what I think I hear him saying, is that he wants revenge!

He wants an eye for an eye. He wants this person to publicly be humiliated and destroyed and maybe then he'll feel better.
He does not think that it's fair that this person has been able to move on in their life. And he just won't let go of these feelings.

In certain places of my mind I can understand his reasoning and his anger, but to me that leads to very black-and-white thinking of no forgiveness or second chances.
And this makes me sad because I see this as a primate thought process? Something that is very simple. Funny he doesn't live his life like that.
In a way I find it very fake & a bit simple mindedness. I've really lost respect for him.

Patagonia, sorry to hear that he clings to anger. That is often a shield to hid our sorrow and grief until we have the courage to feel and process our grief.

You certainly are trying to be a positive force in the situation but there is only so much you can do. Hope you find a way to move on in your life and not get caught up in others emotions.