It feels like experiencing grief for a loved one, and I'm grieving loss of them every day and night. Constantly. Possibly the only people I ever knew love from and loved back with such purity.

And just like that we were afflicted with crises and our time was over, forever. Irreversible, unless you can erase their minds of all the bull your ex put in their heads and the judgmentalness that replaced unconditional love you were getting from them.

I still love my children unconditionally, but I am afraid of them. I actually fear them now and don't want to be alone with them without a neutral safe person in a safe place because of my life experience with the feeling that a person will try to hurt me and my life. They have become an enemy, yet I still sacrifice for them whenever I can.

I feel heartbroken from this.

[CANDC]

Hi rosed71. I am so sorry you have lost your trust in the children you raised and put so much energy into their lives. That is what parents do. It is a treasure when they recognize the gift and thank you with gratitude but that does not always happen.

About the "but I am afraid of them. I actually fear them now and don't want to be alone with them without a neutral safe person in a safe place because of my life experience with the feeling that a person will try to hurt me and my life." What do you think about exploring that with a therapist or psychiatrist to find out what you may about this feeling and what can be done to help you find peace with the situation?

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi rosed71. I am so sorry you have lost your trust in the children you raised and put so much energy into their lives. That is what parents do. It is a treasure when they recognize the gift and thank you with gratitude but that does not always happen.

About the "but I am afraid of them. I actually fear them now and don't want to be alone with them without a neutral safe person in a safe place because of my life experience with the feeling that a person will try to hurt me and my life." What do you think about exploring that with a therapist or psychiatrist to find out what you may about this feeling and what can be done to help you find peace with the situation?

I appreciate your suggestion. Thankfully I have a devoted (hasn't run away or quit) long time therapist and a psychiatrist.
We are working on a homework project where I write down the triggering thought, and the emotions, the memories, and finally the result and how I feel. Then I get back to the present (DBT). Love DBT. Do we have a forum for it?
The therapy sounds simple but usually our sessions are 50 minutes of me crying and telling about my week, and then he gets a word in edgewise for 10.
So now I'm noticing the thought and the sensation between hyperarousal, window of tolerance, and the one on on the bottom (hypoarousal?). The structure and homework gets my attention so I don't keep going on and on with the suffering or trigger, if I have the means to do the thinking and give attention to the homework.

I think this homework and DBT are really helping me. I have a problem with recovery though because the more I've been diagnosed with the less support I have from my family (they are all long distance--military/college/etc)

I didn't see the value of therapy too until maybe a year after we started and I stuck with it. The momentum built up and I trust him more than anyone. It's very professional and I feel so thankful because I go to the VA and this is the one exception that baffles me. Someone will get that.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by rosed71

It feels like experiencing grief for a loved one, and I'm grieving loss of them every day and night. Constantly. Possibly the only people I ever knew love from and loved back with such purity.

And just like that we were afflicted with crises and our time was over, forever. Irreversible, unless you can erase their minds of all the bull your ex put in their heads and the judgmentalness that replaced unconditional love you were getting from them.

I still love my children unconditionally, but I am afraid of them. I actually fear them now and don't want to be alone with them without a neutral safe person in a safe place because of my life experience with the feeling that a person will try to hurt me and my life. They have become an enemy, yet I still sacrifice for them whenever I can.

I feel heartbroken from this.

I have pretty much the same relationship with my daughter or rather...lack there of. I'm afraid of her. She's mentally ill, untreated, abuses drugs and is violent. She's also 3 inches taller than me and outweighs me by 50 pounds. She could could snap me in half like a twig. I won't be alone with her. She's 45 years old and still blames me for all her problems in life.

It's a loss I grieve everyday. I have no contact with her now, by my choice. If she can't be in my presence and harm me physically, she attempts to destroy me verbally over the phone. I refuse to put myself through that anymore!

I don't know what to say other than I feel your pain.

[Shazerac]

There is a book I read from time to time called "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" it's geared towards dealing with kids who abuse alcohol and drugs. But it also is helpful for any situation where you're having difficulty with adult children.

It has good ideas about coping mechanisms. The stress of dealing with an abusive child can literally kill you. At the height of the horrendous relationship with my daughter, my hair was falling out in clumps, my nails broke off at the quick and would bleed. I had high blood pressure, heat palpitations, asthma so severe I could barely breath. I was dying...emotionally and physically.

Since got out of that mess my health has improved significantly.

There may be a way to salvage your relationship with your children. However in the meantime, take very special care of yourself.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by rosed71

I appreciate your suggestion. Thankfully I have a devoted (hasn't run away or quit) long time therapist and a psychiatrist.
We are working on a homework project where I write down the triggering thought, and the emotions, the memories, and finally the result and how I feel. Then I get back to the present (DBT). Love DBT. Do we have a forum for it?
The therapy sounds simple but usually our sessions are 50 minutes of me crying and telling about my week, and then he gets a word in edgewise for 10.
So now I'm noticing the thought and the sensation between hyperarousal, window of tolerance, and the one on on the bottom (hypoarousal?). The structure and homework gets my attention so I don't keep going on and on with the suffering or trigger, if I have the means to do the thinking and give attention to the homework.

I think this homework and DBT are really helping me. I have a problem with recovery though because the more I've been diagnosed with the less support I have from my family (they are all long distance--military/college/etc)

I didn't see the value of therapy too until maybe a year after we started and I stuck with it. The momentum built up and I trust him more than anyone. It's very professional and I feel so thankful because I go to the VA and this is the one exception that baffles me. Someone will get that.

Sounds wonderful Rose. Hope you have more and more success.

For DBT forum you might try the Psychotherapy Forum https://forums.psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I have pretty much the same relationship with my daughter or rather...lack there of. I'm afraid of her. She's mentally ill, untreated, abuses drugs and is violent. She's also 3 inches taller than me and outweighs me by 50 pounds. She could could snap me in half like a twig. I won't be alone with her. She's 45 years old and still blames me for all her problems in life.

It's a loss I grieve everyday. I have no contact with her now, by my choice. If she can't be in my presence and harm me physically, she attempts to destroy me verbally over the phone. I refuse to put myself through that anymore!

I don't know what to say other than I feel your pain.

You and I have a lot in common. So sorry to hear that you have this problem too. I'm thinking of adopting a kitten...

Originally Posted by CANDC

Sounds wonderful Rose. Hope you have more and more success.

For DBT forum you might try the Psychotherapy Forum https://forums.psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/

Oh thank you! DBT is really helping. Good reinforcement and practice.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by rosed71

Oh thank you! DBT is really helping. Good reinforcement and practice.

Glad to hear that rose!

[CANDC]

Pets can fill a place and provide companionship. Cats are usually more aloof than dogs, but cats are low maintenance and dogs are high maintenance (middle of the night barking to go out to bathroom.