[Techie180]

I feel like that i can not stop grieving her so much i just never really dealt with it at all im so lost and scared without her she raised me up to be the best person i could be but now she is gone how i can even be in this world without her i dont know how .

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Techie180

I feel like that i can not stop grieving her so much i just never really dealt with it at all im so lost and scared without her she raised me up to be the best person i could be but now she is gone how i can even be in this world without her i dont know how .

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine that pain. You know there's no time limit on grieving. We all have to do it in our own way and own time. When did she pass away? Do you have a support system? Brothers/Sisters that you could talk with? We are here for you.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by Techie180

I feel like that i can not stop grieving her so much i just never really dealt with it at all im so lost and scared without her she raised me up to be the best person i could be but now she is gone how i can even be in this world without her i dont know how .

I am here for you. I know how deep the pain can go.
We are all here for you.

[Rose76]

I'm sorry that your mom is gone. I've been through that, so I know it is hard. One thing I would say is this: Your grief does honor to your mother. I've worked with elderly folks in nursing homes, and I've watch lots of families up close. I've seen families who kept vigil at the bedside and grieved deeply. I've seen mothers whose kids never showed up, whose passing didn't seem to grieve anyone. How sad that is.

Here is something else that will do honor to your mom: With time, you will complete the immediate grieving and you will find your way out of the awful sorrow you feel now. The love your mom gave you will actually last you your whole life. You will find yourself strong in that love. Then you will discover how great your mother's love really was. It has left you stronger than you realize. Someday you will find joy in remembering your mother. I won't explain how that happens because I can't. It is a miracle. It happened to me. When my mother passed, it was sudden and unexpected. I couldn't believe the pain. I called anyone I could think of who had lost a mother to ask if the pain ever subsides. They were right. It does, but it takes time. Your heart does heal.

I have seen a few individuals who stayed stuck in the grief for years and years. Their big problem wasn't grief over the loss of a mother. They had other big problems. Their pain really was from other things that got all mixed up with their grief. I knew a man who used to harm himself every year on the anniversary of his mother's passing. That kind of thing does not honor a mother. I had a couple of relatives who failed to cope with life, after losing their mothers. They just had never learned to cope in the first place.

I don't know what people are talking about when they say you are supposed to "deal with" the loss of someone you loved very much. I don't know what that means. I don't remember doing anything to "deal" with the losses I suffered through. I experienced the grief. In time, it hurt much less. I still miss those I loved who are gone. But, now, I enjoy my memories of them. I'm so glad I had them in my life. I wish they weren't gone, but I know it must be that way. I don't know what this "dealing" business is.

Being in a state of grief doesn't relieve you of your responsibilities. You cut yourself some slack for awhile. Then you go back to dealing with your obligations. That's what you "deal" with. You do the things you know you are supposed to do. That actually helps you recover because you discover that you are not broken. You are capable. You get through one day at a time. You clean up, make yourself something nourishing to eat, and stay in contact with those who mean something to you. Sometimes you cry - maybe a lot. It's part of what you go through.

I hope you have family who care about you. It is very hard, if you don't. Then you have to make your own family.

Let us know how you're making out.

[Techie180]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm sorry that your mom is gone. I've been through that, so I know it is hard. One thing I would say is this: Your grief does honor to your mother. I've worked with elderly folks in nursing homes, and I've watch lots of families up close. I've seen families who kept vigil at the bedside and grieved deeply. I've seen mothers whose kids never showed up, whose passing didn't seem to grieve anyone. How sad that is.

Here is something else that will do honor to your mom: With time, you will complete the immediate grieving and you will find your way out of the awful sorrow you feel now. The love your mom gave you will actually last you your whole life. You will find yourself strong in that love. Then you will discover how great your mother's love really was. It has left you stronger than you realize. Someday you will find joy in remembering your mother. I won't explain how that happens because I can't. It is a miracle. It happened to me. When my mother passed, it was sudden and unexpected. I couldn't believe the pain. I called anyone I could think of who had lost a mother to ask if the pain ever subsides. They were right. It does, but it takes time. Your heart does heal.

I have seen a few individuals who stayed stuck in the grief for years and years. Their big problem wasn't grief over the loss of a mother. They had other big problems. Their pain really was from other things that got all mixed up with their grief. I knew a man who used to harm himself every year on the anniversary of his mother's passing. That kind of thing does not honor a mother. I had a couple of relatives who failed to cope with life, after losing their mothers. They just had never learned to cope in the first place.

I don't know what people are talking about when they say you are supposed to "deal with" the loss of someone you loved very much. I don't know what that means. I don't remember doing anything to "deal" with the losses I suffered through. I experienced the grief. In time, it hurt much less. I still miss those I loved who are gone. But, now, I enjoy my memories of them. I'm so glad I had them in my life. I wish they weren't gone, but I know it must be that way. I don't know what this "dealing" business is.

Being in a state of grief doesn't relieve you of your responsibilities. You cut yourself some slack for awhile. Then you go back to dealing with your obligations. That's what you "deal" with. You do the things you know you are supposed to do. That actually helps you recover because you discover that you are not broken. You are capable. You get through one day at a time. You clean up, make yourself something nourishing to eat, and stay in contact with those who mean something to you. Sometimes you cry - maybe a lot. It's part of what you go through.

I hope you have family who care about you. It is very hard, if you don't. Then you have to make your own family.

Let us know how you're making out.

tThank you all for the help and support,esp being here for me .I appreciate your answer Rose it really made me feel better just a little but it still hurts my t wants me to do some self soothing for now to help relieve the stress and i do hope the pain will subside but i always feel like it wont the hospital once said to me that i can honor her by recovering .

[Rose76]

How long has it been since your mom passed away? Everyone has their own path to follow. Not all your pain is coming from grief over your mother. You had other sources of pain when she was still with you. Those other challenges are still there. It sounds like you have other things to recover from. Your mother could not have made your life free of pain, even if she had lived for ever. Do you have other people in your life who mean something to you?

[Techie180]

Originally Posted by Rose76

How long has it been since your mom passed away? Everyone has their own path to follow. Not all your pain is coming from grief over your mother. You had other sources of pain when she was still with you. Those other challenges are still there. It sounds like you have other things to recover from. Your mother could not have made your life free of pain, even if she had lived for ever. Do you have other people in your life who mean something to you?

Since 2013 of Jan or Dec I believe , and yes I do have to recover from other things but my Mom being there to help was more then enough and i was her Bulgarian Princess . Yes i have people very dear to me to now in my life and making new friends as well.

I think God put them into my life as i needed them for whichever .But you guys are helping so much im starting to realize that it was not my fault which i have believed in the past i could have not done much at all to stop her death but i have to let go my regrets as well which is the hardest thing to accept .But i am using my DBT skills now and working through the old worksheets .

[Techie180]

The holidays are so hard esp the Christmas holiday i just miss my Mom soooo much its hurts and i feel empty ,im so sad today wish i could just be with her instead i feel a regret for not being able to convince my mom to not let go like she did i feel its my fault she did but yet she was suffering and super ill she does not need to be suffering so greatly .

I am crying as i write this i feel so lost now i just have no idea what to do i miss her soooo much im heartbroken she raised me up to be the person i am today i miss her so much i cant handle it .

im so much in pain im mad at God for taking her .

[Rose76]

Your mom didn't choose to die. Grave illness took her life. I object to this mythology that says people die when they "let go." I've seen patients I've cared for who were more than ready to let go, as was their loving family, who just weren't blessed with a merciful exit. Some had to endure what seemed like interminable torture before it finally ended. I've seen my own mother glad to be recovering nicely, only to be found expired an hour after staff documented that she was resting just fine. We have to stop kidding ourselves that we can figure it out with our theories of who's "a fighter" and who "let go." The dying process involves much mystery. Nobody comes back afterwards to explain it to us. (Yes, I'm unimpressed with people's accounts of their "near death experiences.") We'll all go through some version of it eventually. Meanwhile, we should be humbled by the littleness of our grasp of what is unknowable to mere mortals. The best we can do is love each other through the suffering that surrounds the ending of life. I am a somewhat comforted by what my own father told me about dying, "We only have to go through it once." Once it's over, it's over.

I believe your mother, and mine, have been removed from where any pain can ever touch them again. I'm glad for that. No use filling up our minds with self-recriminations about how, maybe, we should have done this or that differently. We live in a culture where we are obsessed with the lust to be blameless. That's a vain ego thing. Let's let our grief not be about that. We feel the loss of someone who meant so much. The better they were, the bigger our loss. Grief should be about that. We had someone worth grieving. Pity those who do not.

For some inexplicable reason life involves pain, sometimes a lot of it. Our ability to feel pain is part of our humanity. (We're not crocodiles.) Experiencing pain allows you to better understand others who've been through this particular form of pain. That strengthens your ability to connect with others. That, basically, is what life is all about - connecting with others. That's your job now. Your mom has been taken from you, and it's okay to be sore about that. You are now a member of the confraternity of the greatly bereaved. Nothing you are feeling is a new human experience. You can look into the eyes of a fellow grief sufferer and say, "Yes, I know. I know how it goes." You can get more out of relationships. You have more to offer - a new, deepened understanding of the human condition.

It's good that you are working a program - your DBT skill lessons. It's humbling to be dealt a blow that we have to accept. But it is what it is. You can let this experience mature you . . . or not. What ends up ruining our lives is not the hard experiences we have, but a choice we can make to say, "I'm going to stay mad about this forever." Don't make that choice. You have other options. Find others to take an interest in.

[Techie180]

Im sorry to hear what you have been through but what you say is very true i feel like i needed to hear what you said it feels comforting to me and helps me to be able to go through life still but grow and learn throughout life .

It such a comfort and it really opens my mind up to possibilities that i may have denied or taken for granted ,itt motivates me to take action to do something about my grief and be able to really deal with it versus being in denial and bitter for the rest of my life.

I just wish i have heard this before it really helps ease my suffering so thank you soo much.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your mom didn't choose to die. Grave illness took her life. I object to this mythology that says people die when they "let go." I've seen patients I've cared for who were more than ready to let go, as was their loving family, who just weren't blessed with a merciful exit. Some had to endure what seemed like interminable torture before it finally ended. I've seen my own mother glad to be recovering nicely, only to be found expired an hour after staff documented that she was resting just fine. We have to stop kidding ourselves that we can figure it out with our theories of who's "a fighter" and who "let go." The dying process involves much mystery. Nobody comes back afterwards to explain it to us. (Yes, I'm unimpressed with people's accounts of their "near death experiences.") We'll all go through some version of it eventually. Meanwhile, we should be humbled by the littleness of our grasp of what is unknowable to mere mortals. The best we can do is love each other through the suffering that surrounds the ending of life. I am a somewhat comforted by what my own father told me about dying, "We only have to go through it once." Once it's over, it's over.

I believe your mother, and mine, have been removed from where any pain can ever touch them again. I'm glad for that. No use filling up our minds with self-recriminations about how, maybe, we should have done this or that differently. We live in a culture where we are obsessed with the lust to be blameless. That's a vain ego thing. Let's let our grief not be about that. We feel the loss of someone who meant so much. The better they were, the bigger our loss. Grief should be about that. We had someone worth grieving. Pity those who do not.

For some inexplicable reason life involves pain, sometimes a lot of it. Our ability to feel pain is part of our humanity. (We're not crocodiles.) Experiencing pain allows you to better understand others who've been through this particular form of pain. That strengthens your ability to connect with others. That, basically, is what life is all about - connecting with others. That's your job now. Your mom has been taken from you, and it's okay to be sore about that. You are now a member of the confraternity of the greatly bereaved. Nothing you are feeling is a new human experience. You can look into the eyes of a fellow grief sufferer and say, "Yes, I know. I know how it goes." You can get more out of relationships. You have more to offer - a new, deepened understanding of the human condition.

It's good that you are working a program - your DBT skill lessons. It's humbling to be dealt a blow that we have to accept. But it is what it is. You can let this experience mature you . . . or not. What ends up ruining our lives is not the hard experiences we have, but a choice we can make to say, "I'm going to stay mad about this forever." Don't make that choice. You have other options. Find others to take an interest in.

[g68pop]

Originally Posted by Techie180

I feel like that i can not stop grieving her so much i just never really dealt with it at all im so lost and scared without her she raised me up to be the best person i could be but now she is gone how i can even be in this world without her i dont know how .

It's not only you my friend, I have been grieving the loss of my son for 10 years now, holidays are the worse, grieving may never end, but you can learn to live with it. Trust me it's tough!

[Rose76]

I hope the holiday season brought you some portion of joy. You said you have others in your life who are dear to you. That's all it takes to make new warm memories. That's what I believe holidays are for. Wishing you blessings in the New Year. Life surely will provide some. Remember to welcome and celebrate them.

[Techie180]

Yes it did but slightly still feel empty and you are right hugs to all. I hope you all who lost someone dear are ok at least able to have some peace and not have to struggle so much. Believe that things will get better.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Techie180

Yes it did but slightly still feel empty and you are right hugs to all. I hope you all who lost someone dear are ok at least able to have some peace and not have to struggle so much. Believe that things will get better.

Hi Techie180. Sorry for the loss of your mom. That must have been so traumatic for you.

Here are some articles that may be of interest.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/on-losing-my-mother/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-s...oss-and-grief/