I’m starting a check-in thread. This time of the year can be hard while grieving. My therapist suggested that my daughter and I try to figure out some activities we like to do to try to lift our spirits. We like to go to pet stores that have cats (rescue organizations go into the pet stores around here) and rabbits. We like to go to the zoo too.

How are you guys doing?

Any ideas on how to feel better?

[lizardlady]

Great idea for a thread! Thanks for posting it.

Don't know why, but I am really, really missing my mom this year. It's been eight years so it's not like it's a fresh loss. Still.... am really missing her.

The holidays are a weird time for me. They're not completely ruined by sadness for the people I've lost. I think I catch up on a lot of sadness that I've been repressing, and it is sort of cathartic. Still, some years are harder than others.

In recent years, I've volunteered to make the meals for holidays, because I enjoy cooking and don't have time anymore to do it often. There's always a point when I'm in the kitchen, alone with my thoughts, where I break down crying. But it usually allows me to be able to enjoy the rest of the day.

My love to everyone who struggles this time of year.

Thank you both for joining the thread!

We are missing my mom (Grandma) and husband (Dad). My daughter is pretty quiet about it; she says she doesn’t want to upset me. Enough time has passed—we are OK, but it isn’t the same of course.

That is hard work, Bjornen—you have a big heart

Love and hugs to everyone

At one point while we were putting Thanksgiving dinner away, I ended up in my daughter’s way. I said, “Are you in my way?”

It was a little joke my husband/her father used to make. We talked about that a little. It was a nice way to remember him.

I used to go to a young widows’ support group at an organization that ran a lot of support groups for children, teens, and young adults (they didn’t run a group for seniors, since churches all around here already do this). It was nice, but it was never open on holidays. It’s nice to be able to come here and talk.

I had a flash of a memory early in the afternoon. It was of someone close to me, and how they looked as they ate their meal. I already knew at the time this was probably going to be the last meal I shared with them. I would have let that moment seize me today, if it needed to. I know better than to repress it, these days. But it passed gently, and I got on with things.

Some years I make a point to talk to various family members about our losses. Other years (like this one), I don't feel like talking to them about it. I hope it doesn't seem selfish to them. I don't think it does. We are pretty open about our feelings, and they know if it is needed, we will talk.

There's something that's probably going to happen this weekend or next that's likely going to cause a short but intense sadness and loss in me. I haven't decided if I want to write much about it or not, but I figure I should acknowledge it to myself right now, rather than let it fester underneath my consciousness.

[Angelique67]

I've been having lots of thoughts of my best friend who died when we were 33, and my cat who I always think about. Missing them both so much and I'm petrified of the losses to come.

Just heard that a young man who was a resident here recently, overdosed on drugs and died on Wednesday or Thursday. So sad.

Gentle hugs given (and received) from all.

My neighborhood is lit up for the season. We had a little snow earlier in the week, and there's nothing like Christmas lights on a house in the snow.

I'm thinking this weekend about my younger cousin. He was 28, and we lost him last winter to a violent seizure. I'm flying to my mom's house for Christmas, and his dad (my uncle) will spend the holiday with us, and a number of other people. I'm thinking more about him, because in the last eight years, he lost his wife, his son, and his brother (my dad). All of them were too young. I can't really blame him when he has nothing but bitterness to say of the world.

Still thinking of all of you dear people who are feeling the void at this time. The presence and support of others on these forums has been a significant help to me this year.

Bjornen—oh, I feel for your uncle, and you, that just makes my heart cry

I talked to my therapist today (we have Saturday appointments). I told her I’m doing better than usual for this time of year. I haven’t cried at my desk at work.

I’ve felt myself start to have a thought; I just turn away from it just to keep things looking OK while at work. At home, I feel little quakes once in a while. Moments of pain at a thought or memory. But it stops. And it’s OK again.

I think of you all and send you warm wishes and hugs

I’m OK now. On my way home, I found myself feeling anxious, and I tried to do my DBT therapy. But the problem was, I couldn’t find the anxious thought that started it. I racked my brain. Nothing.

Then a few minutes later, I started crying. Same thing. I didn’t know.

Thinking, thinking, thinking....because DBT. I want to apply....

Finally, I remembered that a commercial had come on the radio about a charity drive helping families that have lost someone.

Yeah, that was it. More tears. Now I’m thinking about my losses. My brain was trying to keep me from going there.

Oh well. Trying to apply DBT blew up on me.

I’m OK. It’s just that the holidays are harder. My little dissociation tricks aren’t working.

(My therapist says I dissociate, but I don’t have dissociative disorder.)

Originally Posted by key tones

I’m OK now. On my way home, I found myself feeling anxious, and I tried to do my DBT therapy. But the problem was, I couldn’t find the anxious thought that started it. I racked my brain. Nothing.

Then a few minutes later, I started crying. Same thing. I didn’t know.

Thinking, thinking, thinking....because DBT. I want to apply....

Finally, I remembered that a commercial had come on the radio about a charity drive helping families that have lost someone.

Yeah, that was it. More tears. Now I’m thinking about my losses. My brain was trying to keep me from going there.

Oh well. Trying to apply DBT blew up on me.

I’m OK. It’s just that the holidays are harder. My little dissociation tricks aren’t working.

(My therapist says I dissociate, but I don’t have dissociative disorder.)

Oh no . I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you're okay now. The holidays are much harder, aren't they. Let's all remember to notice and pat ourselves on the back for the things we do accomplish this year. Even something like asking yourself where the pain is coming from is a commendible action. It's so easy to try to drown it and ignore it.

Thinking of you, KT.

[CalamityJane425]

My life is always hard since I come from a family
that is sociopathic + narcisstic so I have to always
fend for myself.
I watch DVDs of classic tv shows they're the only ones I like.
I'm a huge fan, ones of the 60's & 70's.
I lost an Aunt over a year ago that was traumatizing & no one
talked to me or cared about how I felt.
SO, I'm a bit withdrawn & not trusting of anyone. Hopefully I will
be volunteering on a farm this time next year so I won't be alone.
I learn an important lesson, no one cares you have to care about yourself.

I feel excited for christmas but I wish my dad was here. The place was more lively when I had my dad, sister, brother and mum all together. Now, it just feels a bit empty. I can't say that to my mum because it triggers her. My sister is coming down from uni to join us that'll be great.

[CalamityJane425]

I'm real sad.
People are mean & evil.
Will the morning hurry up
& come so I can get out of my apartment
to go to Mc Donalds for breakfast.

[Snowkapped]

I'm sorry Calamity...yes people are mean, very mean, because they have no life of their own. They pick on others, they are cruel to others because they enjoy doing that. These are often people who have some power assigned by an immoral society. I hope you meet some decent people today and I hope you are not bombarded by holiday fanfare.

I've been working at my computer this evening, listing to new music. I so often come across songs that I wish my dad was around to enjoy. In retrospect, both my parents were extremely progressive in their music tastes (my mom still is), and never shunned the music I listened to growing up. By the end of his life, my dad was coming to me for recommendations.

Naturally, thinking about this makes me miss him all the more as the holidays approach. But mostly, I'm just enjoying imagining how he might react to the stuff I'm listening to these days were he here.

I was just doing something simple—getting some stamps off of the refrigerator. You know, you don’t need to use stamps to mail letters anymore. I have this big stock of stamps. The stamps are so old that they are curling up. I guess the adhesive is failing.

And I think to myself—my husband was still alive when I bought these. I think the same thing when I see something dated back then, especially if it is something I wrote or a file I saved.

I don’t know why I do that to myself.

Why can’t time stand still?

Why can’t I go back in time and just live in the past?

Why couldn’t it stay like that forever?

Why do I do this to myself?

Whew, I really needed to talk. I’m glad I have this thread. I can’t remember when having a good cry actually made me feel better, but this one actually did.

[g68pop]

Made it through another year, lots of help from family. 2018 will be better!

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by key tones

Whew, I really needed to talk. I’m glad I have this thread. I can’t remember when having a good cry actually made me feel better, but this one actually did.

Hi key tones. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like grieving is still a very present situation for you. It has many layers in my experience. Hope you find a way through the grief.

These articles may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-...s-of-a-spouse/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/Grief_and_Loss/

https://psychcentral.com/grief/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-s...oss-and-grief/

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi key tones. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like grieving is still a very present situation for you. It has many layers in my experience. Hope you find a way through the grief.

These articles may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-...s-of-a-spouse/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/Grief_and_Loss/

https://psychcentral.com/grief/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-s...oss-and-grief/

Thank you for the articles.

His birthday was last week, our anniversary is this week, and the anniversary of his death is toward the end of this month. Next month is my birthday (which is hard too), then Valentines Day.

I can’t wait for all of this to be over.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by key tones

Thank you for the articles.

His birthday was last week, our anniversary is this week, and the anniversary of his death is toward the end of this month. Next month is my birthday (which is hard too), then Valentines Day.

I can’t wait for all of this to be over.

Yes anniversaries are even tougher especially the first. Over time it can be easier to let go.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by CalamityJane425

My life is always hard since I come from a family
that is sociopathic + narcisstic so I have to always
fend for myself.
I watch DVDs of classic tv shows they're the only ones I like.
I'm a huge fan, ones of the 60's & 70's.
I lost an Aunt over a year ago that was traumatizing & no one
talked to me or cared about how I felt.
SO, I'm a bit withdrawn & not trusting of anyone. Hopefully I will
be volunteering on a farm this time next year so I won't be alone.
I learn an important lesson, no one cares you have to care about yourself.

This resonated with me. My family is emotionally unavailable and disconnected. Expressing emotion was something I got scolded for as a kid. (Negative ones, but even positive ones I had to be somewhat reserved with)

I've had to fend myself too, when I lost my mom about a year ago. It was cancer, but even when they gave me the news, NOBODY would TALK to me enough about it. My dad was in denial, my brother not talking to me as he resented me for having to be at "ground zero" in caring for them, and my mom was as distant, harsh, and disconnected with me as ever. Being near death didn't motivate her to finally connect with me emotionally before it's too late. I tried many times over the years with her, but she never met me even half way.

Anyway, I DID try reaching out to my brother but he wasn't receptive. So no right to be mad at me. I tried to connect (we never were close) so I could help SOMETIMES. I live far away, but unless he or someone TALKS to me about what's really going on, I can't and won't help.

She lasted about 6 months. That was around a year ago, so MLK weekend isn't a "big holiday weekend" for me like the media says. It's a sad anniversary, as it was the last time I saw her alive. It was the Sunday before MLK day. Last time I saw my dad & brother too.

So, no hugging and crying together, as my dad is stoic and doesn't even want to talk about it. I ended up calling places like the American Cancer Society and American Lung Association for info on her condition.

I've asked my dad several times if he wants help with stuff, like maybe sorting her belongings. He keeps telling me my brother is around, so he's relying on HIM for everything.

I went to a grief group for a few months, but I stopped cause it was too large and "fluid" for me. It was a drop in group, so the dynamic changed each week, and there was never enough time for real sharing. I did get something out of it though. It was just too emotionally taxxing trying to find a group that's free or low cost, and close to home, and small (no more than 8 people). That group had 18 - 25 people, and we just had 90 minutes.

So, like you, I relied on movies or books or comfort food. I did make one friend from grief group so that helps some.....Ate too much cake, cookies, etc. too.

Yesterday I finally asked my dad what caused this lung cancer. He said her dad was a heavy smoker. This I never knew, as I knew little about her. She never opened up, but knowing this helps makes some sense about how she got this if she never smoked. So that early exposure explains a lot, but they didn't tell me this a year ago. I'm sure they knew.

She also worked as a waitress when young, and in those days there was no "no smoking" in a restaurant or even a section for it.

So, no sharing of memories, no frequent visits to each other for emotional support, etc. You know, like a REAL family. My brother still isn't speaking to me.

I just "talk" to my dad once a month on the phone about superficial things, for no more than 5 minutes. He doesn't like talking on the phone.

Anyway, I know this is how he is, but it's unbearable at times to have no family to share grief with. That's the way it "should" be. But in my family?

Sometimes I feel like I have no family and want to cut ties completely.

I was going to go there a second time 1/20/17 but a storm was going on. But the next week, 1/27 she was gone.

Her birthday is Christmas, so the holidays were more painful and lonely than usual. Not sure how I really feel since I don't talk about it except with the group and maybe one person. And not long after I found out mom had cancer, a good friend of mine suddenly passed. So I was already grieving him, and I still am today.

Nobody asks me how I'm doing either, except the therapist who ran the grief group. She called me when I didn't come for a couple of months, and I told her the group isn't the right kind for me. But at least she wanted to know how I'm doing.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by nonightowl

This resonated with me. My family is emotionally unavailable and disconnected. Expressing emotion was something I got scolded for as a kid. (Negative ones, but even positive ones I had to be somewhat reserved with)

I've had to fend myself too, when I lost my mom about a year ago. It was cancer, but even when they gave me the news, NOBODY would TALK to me enough about it. My dad was in denial, my brother not talking to me as he resented me for having to be at "ground zero" in caring for them, and my mom was as distant, harsh, and disconnected with me as ever. Being near death didn't motivate her to finally connect with me emotionally before it's too late. I tried many times over the years with her, but she never met me even half way.

Anyway, I DID try reaching out to my brother but he wasn't receptive. So no right to be mad at me. I tried to connect (we never were close) so I could help SOMETIMES. I live far away, but unless he or someone TALKS to me about what's really going on, I can't and won't help.

She lasted about 6 months. That was around a year ago, so MLK weekend isn't a "big holiday weekend" for me like the media says. It's a sad anniversary, as it was the last time I saw her alive. It was the Sunday before MLK day. Last time I saw my dad & brother too.

So, no hugging and crying together, as my dad is stoic and doesn't even want to talk about it. I ended up calling places like the American Cancer Society and American Lung Association for info on her condition.

I've asked my dad several times if he wants help with stuff, like maybe sorting her belongings. He keeps telling me my brother is around, so he's relying on HIM for everything.

I went to a grief group for a few months, but I stopped cause it was too large and "fluid" for me. It was a drop in group, so the dynamic changed each week, and there was never enough time for real sharing. I did get something out of it though. It was just too emotionally taxxing trying to find a group that's free or low cost, and close to home, and small (no more than 8 people). That group had 18 - 25 people, and we just had 90 minutes.

So, like you, I relied on movies or books or comfort food. I did make one friend from grief group so that helps some.....Ate too much cake, cookies, etc. too.

Yesterday I finally asked my dad what caused this lung cancer. He said her dad was a heavy smoker. This I never knew, as I knew little about her. She never opened up, but knowing this helps makes some sense about how she got this if she never smoked. So that early exposure explains a lot, but they didn't tell me this a year ago. I'm sure they knew.

She also worked as a waitress when young, and in those days there was no "no smoking" in a restaurant or even a section for it.

So, no sharing of memories, no frequent visits to each other for emotional support, etc. You know, like a REAL family. My brother still isn't speaking to me.

I just "talk" to my dad once a month on the phone about superficial things, for no more than 5 minutes. He doesn't like talking on the phone.

Anyway, I know this is how he is, but it's unbearable at times to have no family to share grief with. That's the way it "should" be. But in my family?

Sometimes I feel like I have no family and want to cut ties completely.

I was going to go there a second time 1/20/17 but a storm was going on. But the next week, 1/27 she was gone.

Her birthday is Christmas, so the holidays were more painful and lonely than usual. Not sure how I really feel since I don't talk about it except with the group and maybe one person. And not long after I found out mom had cancer, a good friend of mine suddenly passed. So I was already grieving him, and I still am today.

Nobody asks me how I'm doing either, except the therapist who ran the grief group. She called me when I didn't come for a couple of months, and I told her the group isn't the right kind for me. But at least she wanted to know how I'm doing.