My Mom - Suicide

03:18 AM

I haven’t talked about my mom much. Of course I’m thinking about her because of the holiday.

You know, you can’t talk much about suicide IRL. It’s taboo.

I don’t really need anyone to read this. I just wanted to write it out.

Even though it was very difficult to take care of her, and I’ll admit that she made me and my family pretty miserable, I loved my mom. I was an only child, and my mom and dad split when I was 3, and my father was absent and his side of the family didn’t accept me. My mother’s family was overseas. She was all I knew, all I ever had growing up.

I get upset sometimes when I see commercials about suicide prevention.

Possible trigger:

I tried to save her. She nearly died five years prior to her death. She swallowed a three-month supply of her meds. Her neighbor found her, thank God, but she wasn’t breathing. She had no brain waves for three days. They tried to get me to pull the plug. She wasn’t breathing and her heart kept stopping. They said she would be a vegetable, basically, if she did survive. But I wouldn’t do it.

She came out of it. She had a little brain damage, but really it wasn’t noticeable.

I got her to a psychiatrist, and I supported her for years, not knowing she qualified for public support. Her doctor told me to apply. I got her on disability, got her into public housing in a really nice neighborhood near my house. I found her a church and a senior center to go to.

But it didn’t matter. The meds did not work for her. The pdoc said she was bipolar and schizophrenic. I’m not really sure I agree with schizophrenic, but man, she was paranoid and had amnesia (she couldn’t remember when she had rage attacks). She was textbook BPD. She was depressed, anxious, paranoid, extremely angry, and completely unable to tolerate life. She was addicted to Ativan.

She was constantly threatening suicide, but one night it seemed probable. I had to call the police to take her to the hospital, and I tried to commit her. She got an attorney and got out.

Within weeks, she committed suicide. This time, she took all her meds and took additional measures I won’t mention.

I tried.

One of my biggest fears is that my own condition will worsen, and I end up like her. My doc doesn’t think so, and I don’t have her symptoms.

FallDuskTrain · Nov 23, 2017, 03:01 AM

Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, you did go above and beyond and you did try very hard.
I dont know what to say accept that I cannot imagine how I would cope seeing my own mom deteriorate before my own eyes.
I wish it were more acceptable to discuss suicide IRL. It has become the elephant in the room yet completely ignored and not tolerated.
I am really very sorry that you are hurting and please know that I am here if you ever want to vent, talk.

Nov 23, 2017, 03:29 AM

FallDuskTrain—thank you for listening and your kind reply. I just needed to talk about my mom tonight.

Nov 23, 2017, 03:48 AM

You did so much to try to help her. That is true love.

I agree with the sentiment that, I wish it were more acceptable to discuss suicide IRL--even my therapist has suggested that I not tell people IRL about my serious attempt.

At least PC is a good place to talk about it. Hugs.

FallDuskTrain · Nov 23, 2017, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by key tones

FallDuskTrain—thank you for listening and your kind reply. I just needed to talk about my mom tonight.

I understand.
I lost my dad to suicide this year. While I am doing absolutely nothing to deal with his loss (i am in complete denial), I am filed with guilt.
I did not have the opportunity to be there for him.
I hope you are feeling better. If you are not, that is understandable.
I am here.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Nov 23, 2017, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by key tones

I haven’t talked about my mom much. Of course I’m thinking about her because of the holiday.

You know, you can’t talk much about suicide IRL. It’s taboo.

I don’t really need anyone to read this. I just wanted to write it out.

Even though it was very difficult to take care of her, and I’ll admit that she made me and my family pretty miserable, I loved my mom. I was an only child, and my mom and dad split when I was 3, and my father was absent and his side of the family didn’t accept me. My mother’s family was overseas. She was all I knew, all I ever had growing up.

I get upset sometimes when I see commercials about suicide prevention.

Possible trigger:

I tried to save her. She nearly died five years prior to her death. She swallowed a three-month supply of her meds. Her neighbor found her, thank God, but she wasn’t breathing. She had no brain waves for three days. They tried to get me to pull the plug. She wasn’t breathing and her heart kept stopping. They said she would be a vegetable, basically, if she did survive. But I wouldn’t do it.

She came out of it. She had a little brain damage, but really it wasn’t noticeable.

I got her to a psychiatrist, and I supported her for years, not knowing she qualified for public support. Her doctor told me to apply. I got her on disability, got her into public housing in a really nice neighborhood near my house. I found her a church and a senior center to go to.

But it didn’t matter. The meds did not work for her. The pdoc said she was bipolar and schizophrenic. I’m not really sure I agree with schizophrenic, but man, she was paranoid and had amnesia (she couldn’t remember when she had rage attacks). She was textbook BPD. She was depressed, anxious, paranoid, extremely angry, and completely unable to tolerate life. She was addicted to Ativan.

She was constantly threatening suicide, but one night it seemed probable. I had to call the police to take her to the hospital, and I tried to commit her. She got an attorney and got out.

Within weeks, she committed suicide. This time, she took all her meds and took additional measures I won’t mention.

I tried.

One of my biggest fears is that my own condition will worsen, and I end up like her. My doc doesn’t think so, and I don’t have her symptoms.

So deeply sorry for your loss.

There is no-one like a Mum

I really wish I could take this pain away from you.

KT, I hope you don't mind me saying this - I realise we don't know each other that well - but I can say for sure that she would be so proud of you.

She loved you, and would want you to be happy.

Nammu · Nov 23, 2017, 03:16 PM

((((((((((((Key tones)))))))))))) I hear you.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Nov 23, 2017, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I understand.
I lost my dad to suicide this year. While I am doing absolutely nothing to deal with his loss (i am in complete denial), I am filed with guilt.
I did not have the opportunity to be there for him.
I hope you are feeling better. If you are not, that is understandable.
I am here.

Really sorry to hear this, Falldusk

Don't feel guilt! This is one of the awful things about a sudden death, especially suicide. Everyone feels guilty!

When my father died, my older brother wasn't speaking to him. I mean, he'd completely disowned him. Terrible things were said.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we could see what is going to happen, we'd know what to do. But humans aren't made that way.

Everyone I've spoken to who's lost someone has this bitter and corrosive feeling of regret. Even if the death is relatively 'straightforward'.

Dads love their children. If he was able to speak to you now, do you think he would say, 'I want you to suffer and brood and blame yourself.'

He wouldn't

Nov 23, 2017, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I understand.
I lost my dad to suicide this year. While I am doing absolutely nothing to deal with his loss (i am in complete denial), I am filed with guilt.
I did not have the opportunity to be there for him.
I hope you are feeling better. If you are not, that is understandable.
I am here.

It’s so hard, feeling this way. We weren’t responsible, but yeah, the guilt is there.

I know in my heart that our loved ones would not want us to feel this way

Nov 23, 2017, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I understand.
I lost my dad to suicide this year. While I am doing absolutely nothing to deal with his loss (i am in complete denial), I am filed with guilt.
I did not have the opportunity to be there for him.
I hope you are feeling better. If you are not, that is understandable.
I am here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

So deeply sorry for your loss.

There is no-one like a Mum

I really wish I could take this pain away from you.

KT, I hope you don't mind me saying this - I realise we don't know each other that well - but I can say for sure that she would be so proud of you.

She loved you, and would want you to be happy.

Thank you so much, Purple

Those are such kind words

Nov 23, 2017, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

You did so much to try to help her. That is true love.

I agree with the sentiment that, I wish it were more acceptable to discuss suicide IRL--even my therapist has suggested that I not tell people IRL about my serious attempt.

At least PC is a good place to talk about it. Hugs.

I am so sorry

We, as a society, do a terrible job dealing with the topic of suicide

I’m so glad you find support here

Nov 23, 2017, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

((((((((((((Key tones)))))))))))) I hear you.

Thank you Nammu

FallDuskTrain · Nov 23, 2017, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Really sorry to hear this, Falldusk

Don't feel guilt! This is one of the awful things about a sudden death, especially suicide. Everyone feels guilty!

When my father died, my older brother wasn't speaking to him. I mean, he'd completely disowned him. Terrible things were said.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we could see what is going to happen, we'd know what to do. But humans aren't made that way.

Everyone I've spoken to who's lost someone has this bitter and corrosive feeling of regret. Even if the death is relatively 'straightforward'.

Dads love their children. If he was able to speak to you now, do you think he would say, 'I want you to suffer and brood and blame yourself.'

He wouldn't

Thank you so much for caring. You said such nice things. Thank you, really.
I am sorry that you lost your dad.
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving day with your loved ones.
Again, thank you for the support. It means more than you can imagine.

Nov 24, 2017, 03:09 PM

I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what it feels like to lose someone to suicide. I've lost my dad to cancer and it's not nice. I don't know what to say but I want to send you my love and hugs

Nov 24, 2017, 03:59 PM

Thank you, Happycheeks. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Fuzzybear · Nov 24, 2017, 08:50 PM

(((((((( key tones )))))))
I’m very sorry for your loss

Nov 24, 2017, 10:09 PM

Thank you Fuzzy

Sunflower123 · Nov 27, 2017, 07:31 AM

key tones- I am so sorry for your loss. You were a loving daughter who went above and beyond. It’s hard to accept that if people are really set on that course of action, they will find a way.

Thinking of you. For the record, I don’t think you’ll end up like your mom. You have too much joie de vive if I’m using that term correctly.

Nov 27, 2017, 10:40 AM

Thank you Jennifer

Buffy01 · Dec 08, 2017, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by key tones

I haven’t talked about my mom much. Of course I’m thinking about her because of the holiday.

You know, you can’t talk much about suicide IRL. It’s taboo.

I don’t really need anyone to read this. I just wanted to write it out.

Even though it was very difficult to take care of her, and I’ll admit that she made me and my family pretty miserable, I loved my mom. I was an only child, and my mom and dad split when I was 3, and my father was absent and his side of the family didn’t accept me. My mother’s family was overseas. She was all I knew, all I ever had growing up.

I get upset sometimes when I see commercials about suicide prevention.

Possible trigger:

I tried to save her. She nearly died five years prior to her death. She swallowed a three-month supply of her meds. Her neighbor found her, thank God, but she wasn’t breathing. She had no brain waves for three days. They tried to get me to pull the plug. She wasn’t breathing and her heart kept stopping. They said she would be a vegetable, basically, if she did survive. But I wouldn’t do it.

She came out of it. She had a little brain damage, but really it wasn’t noticeable.

I got her to a psychiatrist, and I supported her for years, not knowing she qualified for public support. Her doctor told me to apply. I got her on disability, got her into public housing in a really nice neighborhood near my house. I found her a church and a senior center to go to.

But it didn’t matter. The meds did not work for her. The pdoc said she was bipolar and schizophrenic. I’m not really sure I agree with schizophrenic, but man, she was paranoid and had amnesia (she couldn’t remember when she had rage attacks). She was textbook BPD. She was depressed, anxious, paranoid, extremely angry, and completely unable to tolerate life. She was addicted to Ativan.

She was constantly threatening suicide, but one night it seemed probable. I had to call the police to take her to the hospital, and I tried to commit her. She got an attorney and got out.

Within weeks, she committed suicide. This time, she took all her meds and took additional measures I won’t mention.

I tried.

One of my biggest fears is that my own condition will worsen, and I end up like her. My doc doesn’t think so, and I don’t have her symptoms.

I lost my brother in law to suicide and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I don't asked myself if I hadn't lost my mom four month earlier perhaps I would have notice something was wrong? If I had just called that day? Came over? Would I have notice something was off? then just called the police or had taken the hospital. Speaking from someone who has thought a lot about suicide. Had attempt it a few times.