[moggles]

My wifes grandmother who we were caring for for the past seven months passed in her sleep tonight. I kept being told that she wasnt going to pass tonight but something kept me going in there. My wife having had an operation was basically constricted to little or no activity and needed help as she was in pain and all. I last saw gram alive at 945 approx. I went in and let her know that it was an honor to have helped her these past seven months and that we appreciate her giving us the chance to do this. Then I gave her one of my jade buddhas and I told her that he would protect her and keep her safe. She says ok then leans back and goes back to sleep.

I came out to the computer and proceeded to chat with everyone then at 955 my wife needed some more pain medicine and I had to take a potty break. As I went past the door to grams room I glance in and see a sight that I might not soon forget. Gram had lost all indication of life. I proceeded to check her vitals then I went out to my wife and I told her that gram had past. At which point she got out of chair went in and proceeded to double check her vitals praying and hoping that I was wrong.

I then called my mother-in-law and I informed her that gram had past. After such the events of the day kind of roll together. Called nurse, informed roommate, gave directions to house to nurse, nurse arrives, yep shes dead, called funeral home, funeral home shows up, gram leaves, nurse leaves.

Am I depressed? YES. Am I stressed? YES. Am I strong enough? I HOPE SO.

=moggles=

[bebop]

I am so sorry for your loss. it sounds like she went peacefully. I am glad you were there for her before and let her know how much you appreciated her.

[DocClyde]

Moggles,

So very sorry to hear. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[moggles]

Ok so you read about. You have warnings. You know the person is gonna die. Why do I feel empty? Emotionally bankrupt? Why dont I feel the hurt - oh I know its there but I DONT feel it. I a devoid of everything. I feel emotionally dead. Some people warn me that this is when its worse when you dont feel anything is when all emotions and feelings are going full speed, and when you are most likely to take the hardest fall. So I have tried to prepare for this death. I said my goodbyes and I made sure that she was watched over along the way. I think that that there showed her that it was time and that she could pass. Is it my fault that she died last night? I dont think so because it was inevitable. Did I help it along? I probably did and it hurts that I might have done that but at the same time I think it was time. So is a Death of a family member the worst pain you could ever feel? I dont think so. I think the loss of a child ranks higher or the loss of a spouse. You know though and I believe everyone does. This HURTS like hell. If hell exists I would be in it right now. Yet at the same time I dont feel anything. Am I happy? no. Satisfied? no. Mad? no. Depressed? maybe. Numb? YES. Do I think that it was her time? Yes. Do I think that I helped it along by giving her a comfortable outlet to leave this plane of existence? Hell yeah, but I dont feel as if I didnt anything that I shouldnt have. So why do I feel guilty. Guess thats for me to discover.

[DocClyde]

Well, there are different ways and stages of grief. I think those who think that there is only one way to grieve are fooling themselves.

I know as a kid, I did not bawl at my mom's dad's funeral--I was sad, but I was hardly ever around him. Then, with my dad's dad, I bawled my heart out. He lived next door, let us play in his house, etc.

I dont think it is so much worrying that you havent grieved in that way that someone wants you too...I think everyone has different ways of dealing with what is a very intense and painful situation.

[moggles]

I think that the best way I can explain what I am feeling is something like - Put a gun to my head and pull the fricking trigger. Sorry if that offends but thats what I feel. Yet at the same time I know that that isnt the answer and so I sit and tell everyone I can that I hurt and that I need help and everyone has been so helpful and I appreciate it so much and I dont know why it hurts so much I never liked her and always wished that she would die. Yet in the past week and a half I have gone out of my way to help her, make her comfortable and content. People say my heart is too big, that is why I get hurt so easily but isnt that a good thing. Its like for the most part the pain is too much so my head shuts down.

[darkeyes]

So sorry to hear of your loss, I know how it hurts, I've lost several loved ones, recently.
Remember, if we always keep them in our memory, then they will always be "alive".
I know that thought may not bring much comfort right now, in time it may.
My deepest sympathy,
DE

[AAAAA]

Hang in there Mogs One day at a time

[__zh]

day by day moggles. we just lost our mother two weeks ago today...suddenly w/o illness too.

you ARE strong enough....strong ppl lean on others so that they can remain strong.

keep writing and the grief will take its own course.

[BalishBun]

Im sorry